


falling into place

by wordsofink



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Amusement Parks, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Thoughts, Best Friends, Bullying, Carnival, Cat, Christmas, Claustrophobia, College, Complete, Cooking, Crushes, Cutting, Dances, Dates, Depressive Thoughts, Doctors, Domestic Fluff, Elementary School, Emotional support animal, Family, Family Dinners, Fighting, Friendship, Good siblings, Graduation, Grieving, Halloween, Healing, High School, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Insecurities, Jason/Nico friendship, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Meet the Boyfriend, Memories, Mention of alcohol, Middle School, Minor Character Death, Mortal AU, Name Calling, Neighbors, Nostalgia, Original Characters - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Parties, Prom, Reyna/Will friendship, Sadness, Self-Harm, Senior year, Sleepovers, Spring Break, Summer, Swimming, Thanksgiving, Therapy, Toxic Relationships, Treehouses, Unrequited Crush, baths are relaxing, beach, bi!will, disapproval, gay!nico, good brothers, good parenting, locked in a closet, mention of anti-depression medicine, mention of anxiety medicine, non-con elements, physical bullying, pools, solangelo, some blood, thinking about college, trick-or-treating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-05-26 15:16:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 61,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15003650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsofink/pseuds/wordsofink
Summary: Will and Nico are childhood best friends. In the innocence of youth, Nico thinks nothing can get between them, but high school threatens to tear their friendship apart. Nico abandons Will for his boyfriend, only realizing his mistake after graduation. Nico's trying to move on, but maybe Will's learning to let go.Alternately: sometimes things aren't falling apart but falling into place.(summary may change as writing continues)tags and warnings will be added at the top of each chapter that needs them - please let me know if anything needs to be tagged*characters are not mine unless otherwise stated*





	1. meeting

**Author's Note:**

> my first multi-chapter work (I'm excited haha)
> 
> this is a multi-chapter fic of this work that I have previously written: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14658081/chapters/34708910  
> more fleshed out (hopefully), but it'll follow the same plotline for the most part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will and Nico meet.
> 
> (Nico's POV)

Looking back, Nico’s not quite sure how it all happened.

He remembers how it starts, though. One winter afternoon in kindergarten. His mom is late to pick him up at school, and so Nico is quietly sitting on the steps by the car-rider line. There are only three kids left and one bored teacher. Him, a girl, and another boy. The girl is carefully braiding her hair, eyes trained on the empty parking lot. The boy has his hands stuffed in his armpits, his neck hunched down into his bright green jacket. He looks cold.

“Do you want my mittens?” Nico asks. He’s surprised at himself for asking. He almost never talks to strangers unless his sister or parents are there. Stranger danger was a concept bored into him by teachers since he was old enough to understand the idea.

“You’ll be cold then,” the boy says. His teeth chatter when he’s not speaking, and his face is a little red with the cold.

“You’ve got spots on your face,” Nico blurts out. No one in his family has spots on their face. His mom has a mole on her arm, but it looks different from this boy’s spots. He likes these spots.

“They’re freckles,” the boy says. “Everyone in my family has them.” He grins at this, holding out his hand. The minute Nico shakes his hand, he’s already shoving his mittens into them. They’re black with a cartoon cat’s face on them, a gift from his older sister for his birthday.

“I’m Nico,” Nico says. The boy nods, pulling the gloves on. They fit him perfectly, and they seem to look better on him than on Nico.

“I’m Will.” He pauses. “Are we friends now?” Nico blinks. He doesn’t have any friends, though that’s mostly because friendship requires him to talk to people as his mom says. And Nico prefers to stay quiet.

“Yeah,” Nico says. “Friends. Best friends.” Will grins at this. He takes Nico’s hands in his, and Nico frowns in confusion.

“Your hands will get cold,” Will says by way of explanation. Nico doesn’t protest. Will’s hands are much warmer now, and he likes the feeling of Will’s hands in his. He gives Will a smile, not sure what to say next. Is he supposed to invite Will to his house? Bianca has friends over all the time. He’s about to ask when his mom pulls up, and all Nico can manage is a small wave.

“Where are your mittens?” Mama asks when Nico gets into the car. Nico points at Will who is waving back. He expects his mom to get angry or upset, but she only smiles. “I’m glad to see you making friends.” Nico smiles back. If this is what making friends feels like, he wants a lot of friends.  
-  
As fate has it, Nico doesn’t make a lot of friends. It’s not that he’s disliked by his peers, but Will more than makes up for every friend Nico could ever make. (He outshines even the sun sometimes, Nico thinks.) After shaking on their best friendship, they became glued at the hip, a package deal. And Nico’s sure he wouldn’t have it any other way.

In second grade, he has his first sleepover. He’s invited a few kids from his class because people invite more than one person to sleepovers, right?. Will shows up early, his dinosaur backpack slung over his shoulders. His dad is standing behind him, holding Will’s sleeping bag and pillow.

“I’ll pick him up around ten tomorrow,” he says to Nico’s mom. Nico doesn’t quite know how many hours that is, but he knows it’s the longest he and Will have ever hung out. He takes Will’s stuff from Mr. Solace and starts to head upstairs. He’s halfway up the stairs when his mom calls them back down.

“I set you guys up in the living room,” she says. “I think there will be more space there.”

Nico’s slightly disappointed. When he planned this sleepover, he thought he’d be sleeping in his room. He thought he and Will and maybe one other friend could share his bed. And then the others could sleep on the floor or in his beanbag chair like Will did sometimes. (He’s never slept in a room with someone else before, but Bianca’s assured him he doesn’t snore.)

“Okay, Mama,” he says. He leads Will to the living room, rolling out his sleeping bag next to Nico’s. Nico’s own sleeping bag is already laid out with his pillow and blankets. “If you get cold, we can share,” Nico adds. Will smiles. They sit on their sleeping bags, waiting for everyone else to arrive.

Jake and Andy show up next. And Ty’s mom calls last minute to say that he’s down with a cold. Will shivers at this, saying that his older brother has a cold and that he’s always sneezing on people. Nico’s glad Bianca doesn’t have a cold because she’s staying over at a friend’s house tonight so Nico can have his sleepover.

“So, what do you want to do?” Nico asks. He hasn’t really planned much out. He figures they could do what he and Will usually do. But no one else wants to go outside when it’s so cold. No one else really likes to play pretend. And it’s hard to bake cookies when there are so many people.

“We could play hide-and-go-seek,” Jake suggests. Will and Andy also agree, and Nico’s the seeker. Nico tells them which rooms they’re not allowed in before closing his eyes. He counts to fifty before checking around the living room. His mom is in the kitchen, making dinner for them.

“Have you seen anyone?” Nico asks.

“That’d be cheating,” she says smiling. “But I think I heard footsteps in there.” She points to the dining room. Nico nods. He finds Jake behind the curtains and enlists his help to find Andy. He thinks he knows where Will is since he and Will play this game all the time when the weather’s bad. He and Nico know the best hiding places. (Sometimes Bianca can’t even find them when she’s playing.)

Andy’s hiding in Nico’s closet behind his laundry hamper. “We should split up to find Will,” Nico says. “He’s really good at hiding.” The others nod in agreement, and they split up. Nico searches through his room. Andy looks in the kitchen again and under all of the beds. Jake looks in all of the closets and behind the doors.

“I found him!” Nico calls. Will crawls out from underneath Nico’s sink, grinning. He grabs all of the stuff he moved from the bathtub, setting it back under the sink.

“Took you long enough,” he says. “Now it’s my turn to count!”

They play hide-and-go-seek until dinner’s ready; Nico’s house is big enough that they never tire of spots to hide. Nico watches, curious, as Jake picks off all of the green stuff on his plate, not touching any of it. Andy picks off the tomatoes. Nico wonders if they don’t like lasagne or his mom’s cooking. He glances over at Will who’s already on his second helping.

“Yummy,” he says when Mama asks how the food is.

After dinner, Mama gets out some snacks for them to eat while playing video games. Will and Nico are sharing a bag of Goldfish, while Andy and Jake are eating pretzels. Nico proposes they switch snacks every now and then, but Jake shakes his head.

“I don’t like that kind of Goldfish,” he says, pointing at the package. Nico glances at Will who just shrugs. Nico didn’t realize that there were different kinds of Goldfish. He just though cheese-flavor was the only kind. He asks his mom about it, but she says that she’s not going to run to the store at seven to get more Goldfish.

“Do you guys want to watch a movie?” Nico asks. It takes them half an hour to decide on a movie, and then Jake and Andy don’t watch it. They just pull out their Gameboys and start playing on them. Nico looks at Will, wondering if they should just turn off the movie, but Will’s watching it. Nico tries to watch it as well, though the movie pick was Andy’s idea.

His dad gets home around eight-thirty like he does every other Friday evening because he’s been out to dinner with his friends. He ruffles Nico’s and Will’s hair before grabbing a handful of Goldfish. Nico and Will look away as he kisses Nico’s mom. Jake and Andy aren’t paying any attention.

“Do you guys want to go to sleep?” Nico asks. Will’s been yawning for the last twenty minutes, and he’s leaning on Nico’s side. It’s past both of their bedtimes, but tonight is a special night. Because Nico has friends over. Mama says they don’t have to go to sleep until nine-thirty that night because they can sleep in.

“I’m not tired,” Andy says. He pushes play for another game, turning to say something to Jake, and Nico glances at Will. Will’s already asleep, leaning back against the couch.

“Only wusses go to bed before nine-thirty,” Jake says. “At home, I don’t have a bedtime. My dad lets me stay up as late as I want.”

“Really?” Nico asks. He can’t imagine staying up as late as he wants. He doesn’t know what he’d do. He’s usually tired by the time Mama tells him to stop reading or that Will has to go home for the night. And Will’s usually tired, too. He can’t believe other people don’t have bedtimes.

“I have a bedtime,” Andy says, “but I always stay up later. I play my Gameboy under my sheets.” Nico’s tried that before, but it always gets too stuffy. And he’s too tired to pass many levels. That and he doesn’t like getting in trouble.

Mama announces that they’re going to bed a little after nine-thirty though the movie is still playing. Jake makes a grumbling noise, but Andy just winks at Nico. Mama helps them roll out their sleeping bags before waking Will up to tuck him in. His dad comes down to check on them as they’re settling in.

“If you need anything, Nico, we’re just upstairs,” he says. Nico nods, hugging him goodnight. Will’s asleep again. Nico’s about to fall asleep when he hears Jake and Andy whispering. He glances over to see if they’ve woken up Will, but they haven’t. They fall silent when they hear Nico moving, and Nico lays back down.

He wonders if they’re sharing secrets. He can see part of their faces illuminated on the screens of their Gameboys. He looks over at Will again, wishing he could fall asleep so easily. But he stays awake, even after Jake and Andy seem to have fallen asleep. Will rolls over, blinking at him.

“Are you sleeping?” Will whispers. Nico shakes his head. He’s not sure why he can’t sleep. Maybe it’s the floor or because Jake and Andy are whispering behind his back. “Do you want my pillow?” Will asks. “We can trade. Mine is super soft.” He slides it over for Nico to feel, and smiles.

“But mine isn’t as soft,” Nico whispers back.

Will yawns. “We can share, then,” he says. He scoots closer to Nico, smiling. It seems like the moment his head touches the pillow, he falls asleep. Nico turns over onto his back, following suit. Will’s pillow is softer, and it smells like Will’s house. Nico smiles, falling asleep.

The next morning, Will and Nico are sitting at the kitchen counter eating pancakes. Jake and Andy have left already, and Mama has called Will’s parents to say that she can drive Will home later. So Nico and Will are eating chocolate chip pancakes when the other boys got only eggs and plain pancakes.

“How was your first sleepover, Nico?” Dad asks.

Nico shrugs. “It was okay. I don’t like sleeping on the floor.” Dad laughs, smiling at this. “I want to sleep in my bed next time.”

Will smiles. “I liked it,” he says. “Though Andy and Jake were kind of mean.” He frowns. “Not mean. But rude.” Nico nods. He has the same feeling. (Will's always been better at finding the right words.) “I don’t think they liked it.”

“You don’t have to invite them next time,” Mama says. “If you plan the sleepover, you can invite whoever you want. When I was a girl, I only invited my closest friends.”

Nico likes that idea. He turns to Will who seems to agree. “If I only invite you, we can sleep in my bed and not on the floor,” he says. Will nods. “Can we have a sleepover next weekend?”

Mama just laughs. “We’ll see,” she says. “Let’s enjoy this one first.”  
-  
If Nico had known what the future held, he might have started making a scrapbook of his friendship with Will when he could. (He’d collect every picture, ever souvenir, every important item and stow it away someplace special. To remind him of their friendship.) Of course, if he knew what the future held, he might have been able to change it.

“I’m bored,” Nico groans as he flops onto the couch. It’s spring break, and they’ve spent the entire week together so far. They’ve had two sleepovers, a Harry Potter marathon, and swam in the creek until they thought their fingers would become permanently wrinkled.

“I guess we could ride our bikes,” Will suggests. Nico shakes his head. His calves were still sore from the five miles they’d ridden yesterday. (That had mostly been Will’s fault as Will had thought he knew a shortcut. It turns out, he didn’t.)

“We could make brownies,” Nico says. Will shakes his head, gesturing to the kitchen counter where two dozen cookies were still laid out. They’d done that yesterday and still had yet to eat them. And the rule in Nico’s house was that he wasn’t allowed to bake anything else until he’d eaten what he’d already baked.

“How about a treehouse?” Will asks. “We don’t have one of those. And isn’t that something every boy does?”

Nico shrugs. He hasn’t thought about it before. Building a treehouse seemed like something people in books did, not actual people. Besides, neither he nor Will knew much about building anything. The closest they’d ever gotten to architecture was in fourth grade when they had to construct miniature models of their house for no apparent reason.

“We could look it up. Or ask your parents,” Will says. “Because we’d have to build it in your backyard.” Nico nods. Will’s backyard was full of his sibling’s things: toys, a garden, a little playhouse, a swing set. His older brothers had also built a zip line back there.

“We should ask your brothers, too,” Nico says. Will nods, smiling. Nico grabs the home phone to call his mom. She was at work and said that they could build a treehouse if they had supervision and could get the materials themselves.

Which was how she ended up coming home to Michael and Lee and Bianca all standing in the yard while Will and Nico hauled in wood. It helped that Lee worked at some kind of place that gave away imperfect lumber. At first, Will had been skeptical about this.

“If they throw it out, isn’t it bad?”

Lee shrugged. “It just has holes or isn’t perfectly rectangular. Besides, it’ll give your treehouse character.” Michael had agreed, and soon Nico was on board. If this whole thing failed, at least they had something to do for the weekend.

“This is what I’m thinking,” Will says, handing Nico a piece of paper with a house drawn on it. “Of course, a bit simpler because I just learned how to use a drill.” Nico rolls his eyes. They were going into middle school next year, and he thinks they should be able to do this.

“I think those trees look the best,” Bianca says. She’s standing with her hands on her hips in a way that makes Nico think she has a minor crush on either Michael or Lee. She’s more Michael’s age, but Bianca has told Nico it’s okay if there are a few year’s difference. Especially if it is just a crush. (Not that she confirmed she had a crush on Michael.)

“See this is the problem with our zip line,” Lee says. “We don’t have good trees like this.” He pats the tree that they’re going to build the treehouse in. Its branches are low enough that they don’t have to construct an elaborate way of getting the boards up there.

The entire project takes about two and a half days. Nico’s definitely sure that Bianca’s got a crush on one of Will’s brothers, and Will’s more than happy with how the treehouse has turned out. They’ve built in little steps on the trunk to climb up, but it can also be accessed by a ladder. It looks kind of like a lopsided box stuck to a tree, but Will’s already climbing into it.

“I think we should have a sleepover out here,” Will says. “To break in the treehouse.” Nico agrees, inviting Michael and Lee, though the treehouse isn’t that big.

Saturday night, they climb up into the treehouse with their sleeping bags and blankets. Even though it’s spring, Nico knows Will’s going to get cold at night. They also have water bottles and some food in plastic containers to keep the bugs and critters out of it.

“This is less comfortable than the floor,” Nico says. Will giggles, knocking on the wood.

“Yeah, but it’s nice. And it smells good.” Nico thinks it just smells like wood and spider webs. They can’t really see the sky through the tree branches, but they pretend to locate the stars, making up their own constellations. Nico convinces Will that they need to carve their initials into the treehouse to mark it as theirs. Will carves a crooked smiley face next to his name.

Will starts to doze off as it gets darker, his internal clock telling him it’s bedtime. “Hey, Nico?” he yawns. He’s not quite looking at Nico in the dark, but Nico can tell he’s nervous. He scoots closer, trying to tell Will it’s okay. The two of them don’t have secrets. Best friends don’t need secrets.

“Yeah, Will?” Nico prompts when Will doesn’t do anything. He half wonders if Will’s going to ask if they can go inside. He half wants Will to.

“I think I’m bi,” he whispers. Nico pauses before he says anything. Lately, figuring out your sexuality is a big thing. Everyone’s coming out and saying if they’re gay or bi or lesbian, etc.. Nico wonders if it’s a trend, but he’s also never really had a crush. So he doesn’t know if he’s attracted to anyone at all. “Like bisexual,” Will adds when Nico doesn’t say anything.

“Okay,” Nico says softly. “That’s okay. Twice as much love, right?” Will shrugs, smiling a little. He shifts, getting comfortable on the wooden floor. Nico thinks they should have brought up more pillows to lay on. He doesn’t quite understand the concept of sexuality. Do people just automatically know? Is there something to be done in order to figure it all out?

“Did you tell your parents?” Nico asks. He doesn’t quite understand what ‘coming out’ means. He knows it’s like a public announcement, but he doesn’t really see the point. He’s never announced anything about himself before. If people need to know, they usually just ask.

Will hums. “I told Mama. She said she loves me no matter who I love. Lee told me he’d punch anyone who disagreed.” Nico nods. He’d punch people, too, he thinks. Will’s his best friend. He’d never let anyone hurt Will. “Don’t tell anyone yet, please. I’m still figuring it out.” Nico promises, pinky promises.

He’s not really worried about it, but he wonders how Will could know how he likes both girls and boys if he’s never kissed anyone. And Will hasn’t told him of any crushes. (Aren't they too young for crushes?) He glances over at Will, not surprised to find his best friend sleeping now that he’s gotten all of his secrets out. Will is so good at falling asleep that Nico sometimes jokes that he could win gold if they had a sleeping Olympics.

But they’re just in fifth grade so maybe they’re not supposed to have this all figured out yet.


	2. middle school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the friendship continues :)
> 
> (Will's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: some bullying

Will doesn’t think middle school quite lives up to how his brothers talk about it. There aren’t that many fights, and only a few teachers care about the dress code. In a way, it’s very much the same as elementary school in a way that Will thinks middle school is more or less like high school. A few things change, but it’s still the American public education system.

“Are you going to join any clubs?” Mama asks after the second week of school. Nico and Will are at the kitchen table doing their homework. Honestly, sixth-grade math isn’t that much different from fifth-grade math. The only real difference is that the math teacher doesn’t also teach reading and history and science. She only has to teach math.

“I don’t know,” Nico says. He shrugs. “I’m not really into hanging out with a lot of people.”

“I think I want to join the book club. And maybe the Red Cross club,” Will says. He’s looked at the flyers at least a dozen times as he walks through the halls. He likes reading, and he’s also thinking that he might want to be a doctor or a nurse when he grows up. “We could do a club together,” Will suggests. He doesn’t want Nico to miss out on any clubs just because he doesn’t like meeting new people.

“What about the art club?” Nico asks after a few minutes. Will smiles. He didn’t have much artistic talent, but Nico liked to sketch now and then. He showed Will the few pieces he was proud of, but Will knew he could draw by the doodles that were always in the margins of his notes.

“The art club could be fun. They also sometimes do volunteer work,” Will says. He just hopes they won’t have to share any of their artwork if they don’t want to. In Will’s family, he’s the least artistic. While Kayla can draw and pain and his brothers can build and design, Will still struggles in the creative area. He thinks it might be because he’s more mathematically and logically inclined.

His siblings are somewhat impulsive, always driving their parents crazy. Like the time Lee brought home a hamster just because he had a dream of owning one. Mama had let him keep it, but it got sick and died three weeks later.

“When’s the first meeting?” Nico asks. Will shrugs. “I guess we could look when we go to school tomorrow.” He turns back to his homework, penciling in smooth numbers. Somehow, Nico manages to make math look neat and precise. Will’s homework sheet looks like his scrap paper.

“Nico, sweetie, are you staying for dinner? I’m making my baked chicken with the lemon sauce tonight.” Nico glances up at Will, even though he knows that Will loves it when he stays for dinner. Any time he gets to spend with Nico, he loves.

“Yeah, sure. Can I call my parents to make sure it’s okay?” Mama nods, letting Nico use the home phone. He’s just hung up when Lee and Michael burst into the room.

“Shut up,” Lee says, glaring at Michael. “It’s my room.”

Will hears his mom sigh, and Nico looks up, curious. “Well, it’s also my room. You can’t just claim it,” Michael says. “Besides, you’ll just be down the hall. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Lee huffs before looking at Mama. “I told you two to figure it out,” she says. “I’m not taking sides. You’re both old enough to deal with this yourselves.” At this, Lee storms back down the hall, a door slamming. Michael flops on the couch, turning on the television.

“Did you finish your homework?” Mama asks.

“It’s in the room,” Michael says.

Mama sighs again. “Well, go and get it. You know the rules. No TV until homework is done.” Michael doesn’t move for a few moments. Then he stomps down the hall. Will hears some muffled yelling.

“What’s that about?” Nico asks quietly.

“Lee wants his own room, but Michael says that he has a say in it, too. So they’re arguing over who gets to keep the room and who has to move down the hall.” Nico nods. Personally, Will would kind of like the empty room. Austin snores and sometimes keeps Will up with his loud music that can be heard through his headphones, even though Will’s constantly telling him to turn it down. He’s pretty sure Austin’s going to be deaf by the age of thirty.

But Lee’s always shared with Michael, and Will and Austin have always shared. Kayla, being the only girl, gets her own room, though it is slightly smaller.

“Boys,” Mama says. She points her finger at Will. “Now don’t you and Austin go fighting about this, too, okay?”

“Yes, Mama,” Will says. He’s waiting for Lee to go to college so he can maybe convince Michael to let him room with him. Of course, if they get their own rooms, Will’s hoping that he can move into Lee’s room when he leaves. “But could you tell Austin to stop playing his music so loud? It’s hard to sleep.”

Mama just nods before opening the fridge. She’s getting started on dinner which means that Nico and Will should finish their homework or move to the dining room. Michael has yet to reappear from down the hall, so he’s either made some sort of truce with Lee or is pouting in the hallway.

Dinner’s relatively quiet with both Lee and Michael sulking. They throw each other glares across the table. Nico and Will watch back and forth as the battle continues silently. Will looks over at Nico, but he’s not fazed by this. He’s used to Will and his siblings fighting on occasion.

“Do you need a ride home?” Naomi asks once the dishes have been cleared. She’s got Lee and Michael doing the dishes in hopes that it’ll help them work things out. Nico nods, packing up his things. Will follows behind him. “I need to pick up Austin and Kayla on the way home,” she adds.

“I’ll see you tomorrow!” Will calls as Nico walks up his driveway. Nico waves back, his mom waiting on the front steps. “Goodnight!”  
-  
Halloween is one of Will’s favorite holidays. On this day, he can be anything he wants to be. Well, within reasonable limits. His mom was not about to make him a fire-breathing dragon costume, no matter how much he begged. Something about safety violations and whatnot.

“So, what are you going to be?” Will asks once more. He knows Nico won’t tell him. It’s a thing that they do each year. They plan their costumes separately, trying to get the other one to guess what they are. It’s more fun this way, they think. Will also likes it because he doesn’t have to live up to the expectation of Nico’s costumes. The ones his mom and sister hand-make for him or buy from the store.

“You’ll just have to wait,” Nico says over the phone. “Besides, you haven’t spilled either.”

Will pretends to huff, but he’s smiling. HIs costumes are also homemade, but they’re made by him. And he’s already mentioned his lack of artistic talent. His visions don’t look much better when he’s trying to sew things together. So this year, he’s altered a green hoodie that Lee handed down to him. He’s got felt for the eyes and scales that will go down the middle of his head.

“And I’m not going to!” Will says. He can hear Nico laugh. “See you at eight-thirty?”

“Yup,” Nico says. “Your house.” Will nods before he forgets that he’s on the phone.

“I’ll tell Mama to expect a pirate,” Will says.

“Not a pirate,” Nico says. Will can hear him laughing again before he hangs up.

He hurries back to the kitchen to finish his costume. Mama’s been helping him, but she only has so much time between helping Austin, Kayla, and him. And Austin’s not allowed to have needles or the grown-up scissors. Mama is in the living room, a sheet of fabric on her lap. Austin wants to be Batman this year, so Mama’s made him a mask and cape.

Austin’s been humming the Batman theme song all week, and it’s kind of driving Will crazy.

“Mom!” Kayla shouts from upstairs.

“What?” Mama shouts back. Lee and Michael are trying to see who can find the scariest music, but they’re playing their music at the same time.

“Where’s my tiara? I can’t find it!” Kayla is being a cowgirl this year, but she’s not wearing a cowgirl hat. She wants to wear a crown. Will thinks it’s a pretty original idea. “I looked in my dress-up, but it’s not there.”

“Just a minute, sweetie. I’ll be right up, okay? When I finish your brother’s costume.” Mama looks at Will, smiling. “Did you finish your costume, Will?”

Will holds up his mostly complete costume. He just needs to sew on the scales, but he’s having a hard time making this stand up. They just look kind of stupid laying down. Mama takes a break in her sewing to show Will what to do. He sits down beside her, getting to work.

“Do you know what Nico’s this year?” Will shakes his head, not looking at her. He doesn’t want to mess this up. “He was a doctor last year, right?” Will nods, smiling. By some stroke of fate, they’d both been doctors last year. They had both found that super funny.

“I guessed pirate, but he said no.” Mama hums. They work in silence until the music starts getting louder. Will realizes it’s because Michael’s carrying his speaker down the stairs.

“Think this will be scary enough?” he asks. Mama makes a motion for him to turn it down. “You said it couldn’t be too scary for the little kids.”

“If you keep it at this volume, it should be good,” she says. Michael grins, rushing back up the stairs to yell something at Lee. Will finishes his costume as the doorbell rings. It’s already been rung a few times by the littler kids who have to go out early so that they can get to bed on time.

But since Nico and Will entered middle school, they can go out when it’s dark. And they can go out by themselves. No more chaperones. Besides, Lee’s going to a party, and Michael’s staying home to hand out candy while Mama takes Austin and Kayla around.

“Hey,” Nico says. He’s dressed as a zombie, complete with the makeup and dried blood. It kind of creeps Will out, but in a good way. “Like it?”

Will grins. “It’s amazing. Is it real blood?”

Nico laughs, shaking his head. “No, Bi’s into this YouTube channel about make-up or whatever. So she’s been experimenting all week. Of course, she’s not trick-or-treating, though. Lame.” Will agrees, but he doesn’t say it out loud. (You’re not really supposed to insult your best friend’s siblings.)

“Ready to go? Is that your costume?” Nico frowns at him, looking at Will’s green T-shirt. “Are you the Hulk?”

“I’m not dressed yet,” Will says. “Close your eyes, okay?” He hurries to get his costume on, pulling the hood over his head. He looks at himself in the mirror, happy to see that the scales stick up. He makes a scary face, smiling again. “Ready!”

Nico opens his eyes, smiling. “A dragon. Cool! You just need fire.”

Will shrugs. “Mama said no fire.” Nico pouts with him, and Mama just rolls her eyes as she passes by.

“Be home by ten, okay? And don’t cross the highway. Stay on this side of town. You have your phone?” Will pulls his battered flip phone out of his pocket. It didn’t do much, sometimes didn’t even receive voicemails. But it worked as a watch and to call people.

Mama hugs both of them before dropping a few pieces of candy into their pillowcases.

“Are we going to trick-or-treat in high school?” Will asks once they’re down the road. It’s something he’s been thinking about. Because his older brothers don’t do it anymore, and Nico’s older sister doesn’t do it. In seventh grade, they’re some of the oldest trick-or-treaters out. He doesn’t count the teenagers that are just sitting around their fire pits, even though they’re dressed up.

Nico shrugs. “Maybe. Depends if we get invited to those parties.”

Will rolls his eyes. Nico hates going to parties. He doesn’t like all of the people or the drinking. They both made a pact to not drink until they were twenty-one. And they had to have their first drinks either with their family or each other.

“I don’t think a party could be nearly as much fun as this,” Will says. But he’s not sure. He kind of wants to be invited to parties. Just so that he knows other people know about him. Plus, he wants to go to at least one party. He hears the music is really good, and he likes to dance.

They go to thirty-two houses before they stop to take a break and drink some water. Will checks his phone, and it’s only nine twenty-three.

“Hey, what are you supposed to be?” comes a taunting voice. Will looks up to see a few older kids standing near him. One’s dressed as a ninja turtle, complete with the shell and weapons. Will bets it’s store-bought.

“I’m a dragon,” he says, trying his best not to sound scared. It’s not that he is scared. He just hates confrontation.

“And I’m a zombie,” Nico says. He strikes his best zombie pose.

“Dude, awesome costume,” one of the guys says. “It looks so real.” He reaches out to touch Nico’s face, looking kind of amazed.

“Too bad he’s got to hang out with this kindergartener,” comes another voice. “Hey, dude, you want to hang out with us?”

Nico shakes his head. “We were just heading back,” Will says. “We’ve got a lot of candy already.”

They laugh. “Not for candy, kid. We’re going to a party.” Nico looks at Will, shaking his head again. “Only the zombie, though. We don’t need the baby to come along with.”

“We’re not interested,” Will says. His voice is a little wobbly from all of their taunting.

“And you’re not interesting. Better go take this baby back to his mom. Catch you later, loser!” They turn around, laughing and pushing each other around.

“You okay?” Nico asks, turning to Will. Will shrugs. He knows his costume isn’t as good as everyone else’s, but he worked really hard on it.

“Do I look like a baby?” He brings his hands up to his face. Maybe he should have put paint on it or something. Something to help him look like a dragon instead of a seventh grader. He has yet to lose his baby fat, so his cheeks are still round and full, kind of like the rest of him. And he hasn’t hit puberty yet, so his voice is still high.

Nico, on the other hand, is lean. And his voice started changing this year. They’re the same height, but Will thinks Nico looks older.

“You don’t look like a baby, Will. And you aren’t a baby, either. They were just trying to hurt your feelings.” Will starts walking towards home. Nico follows him. “They’re older, too, so they have more experience, you know? Like, they’re stronger and better at making costumes. Or they work and can buy costumes.” Will shrugs.

“I’m not too upset about the costume,” Will says. “But when am I going to start growing?” He pokes his stomach, frowning a little when he feels how squishy it is.

“Will, you’re not fat, and you won’t ever be,” Nico says. “You’re probably going to be really tall, so you need all of that extra skin. And I’m going to be stuck being short like Mama and Bi.”

“Or you could be tall like your dad.” Nico shrugs.

“Maybe, but I don’t have much extra skin to spare. I think I’m going to be short. At least, the doctor said I won’t reach six feet. Only five and a half. Maybe, if I’m lucky.”

Will smiles at that. “Well, I don’t care how tall you get.” Nico smiles back at him.

“And I don’t care if you have a little extra fat. It makes you warm. Bianca’s all bony, and it hurts when she elbows me.”

Will laughs. “I have bony elbows, too.” Nico laughs with him.

They make it back home, dividing up their candy and sorting out everything they don’t want. They have to be quiet because Austin and Kayla are trying to fall asleep. Mama’s in the kitchen, cleaning up from dinner.

“Got anything good?” she asks. She peers over their shoulders, grabbing a Kit-Kat before either one of them can protest. “You can have three pieces of candy,” she adds. “Any more and you’ll be bouncing off the walls.”

Michael comes in, scooping up all of the candy they don’t want. He shoves a chocolate bar into his mouth, grinning.

Nico’s staying over that night, so they change out of their costumes and get ready for bed. They’re sleeping on the pull-out couch since Will’s bed isn’t big enough for two people, and Austin’s using the other bed. Mama kisses both of their foreheads, tucking them in.

“Don’t let the bedbugs bite,” she whispers as she turns off the lights.


	3. dates and kissing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico goes on his first date.
> 
> (Nico's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of alcohol

Maybe if Will hadn’t encouraged Nico to go out and be social, then things would have turned out differently. Maybe if Nico hadn’t been so stubborn in trying to figure out if he was gay right now. Maybe if he’d just sat down and figured out what that unnameable feeling was whenever he thought about that kiss with Will, he could have avoided a lot of heartbreak later. But things have a funny way of falling apart.

The drama party wasn’t what Nico had pictured. While Will went to parties sometimes, Nico hardly went. They were so social, too loud, too drunk. So he figured a drama party would be a good place to start. After all, theater kids were weird, but they weren’t what he imagined in a party scene.  
How wrong he was.

The party took place at this guy named Jeff’s house. He was one of the lead actors in the current theater production, and he seemed to know how to throw parties. Which meant blasting music and singing karaoke and lots and lots of food and drink. There were people everywhere, too.

“Why are there so many people here?” Nico asks.

Will laughs. “It takes more than the actors to put on a play, Nico,” Will says. “You’ve got all of the sounds, the lights, the props, the directors. And then you’ve got all of their friends. Drama parties can be crazy.” He laughs, going to get himself a soda. He gets Nico one, too.

“I kind of thought it’d be quieter.” Nico hoped he could just sit down next to some guy, maybe start flirting a little bit. (He’d looked up how to do that, too. Since Will and his brothers were no help. And he wasn’t about to ask his own family.)

“Then we should have gone to an art party,” Will teases. Nico rolls his eyes. He remembers art club from middle school. After about five meetings, both Nico and Will dropped out. While the people were okay, they didn’t do much other than cut out shapes from paper and make these weird ghost lollipops. Nico had been hoping that maybe they’d draw or paint, but that wasn’t the case. And their end of year party had been worse.

“Hey, let’s dance,” Will says. He tugs Nico’s arm so that they’re standing a little closer to the edge of the room. And then he starts dancing. Nico has to stifle his laughter because Will isn’t that great of a dancer. But he likes to dance, and Nico just likes watching Will smile.

So Nico holds Will’s drink while Will moves to the music. He sways his hips and wiggles his arms. Nico thinks he kind of looks like those weird balloon things that they put outside of car dealerships but less scary and creepy. Other people are dancing, too, and some are making out at the same time. Nico glances around the room. He really doesn’t want to have to talk to someone before just kissing them.

“Go talk to people,” Will says. “Or dance with me.” He takes Nico’s hands, moving them with his. Nico rolls his eyes. Will’s going to spill their drinks all over Nico’s head.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Nico says. Will pouts because he knows Nico’s just not going to dance, but he lets Nico go. Nico heads towards the bathroom before turning into the kitchen. There’s betting lighting in here, and there are some people leaning against the counter.

He almost runs into a couple making out. “Ever been kissed before?” the guy asks.

“Would you like your first kiss?” The girl smiles at him, her lipstick a shocking red color. Nico stands there, not quite knowing what to say. He doesn’t like the idea of kissing strangers, but it’d be best, wouldn’t it? Because with Will, he has to factor in the fact that Will’s his best friend and that neither of them has kissed anyone before. But this guy clearly has experience, and Nico doesn’t even know his name.

“Um, sure,” Nico says. He doesn’t sound as confident as he would like.

The girl cups his face, winking before she presses her lips against his. She tastes like plastic and lipstick and alcohol, and Nico pulls away after that peck. She grins at him. “Oh,” she says. “I’m going to get more to drink,” she says to the guy. Then she saunters away.

The guy turns to Nico. “Hey,” he says.

“Hi,” is all Nico can get out before the guy is kissing him. He’s definitely more experienced than Will. He slots their lips together, and while it’s not perfect, it’s better, Nico thinks. The guy is running his hands through Nico’s hair and sucking on his bottom lip. He pulls back to give Nico time to breathe.

“How’s that?” he asks. Nico just blinks. He wonders if this is how Will felt. “Well, see you around, handsome.” And then he’s gone, too.

Nico wonders if drinking some beer would help him kiss more people, but the idea doesn’t sound pleasant. He doesn’t like the taste, and he doesn’t like the idea of what would happen if his parents found out. Or Bianca. She’d roast him alive. Besides, he has to be sober for this experiment to work. He doesn’t want to only be gay when he’s drunk.

“Where’d you go?” Will asks. He’s sitting on the couch, watching the karaoke. “I was thinking we could do a song together maybe.” He pats the cushion next to him.

“You know I don’t sing,” Nico says.

“Well, no one here is really singing,” Will says, gesturing to the guy on the ‘stage.’ Nico laughs, agreeing. The guy, while he can probably sing, is way to drunk to be matching pitch. Instead, he’s belting out some Taylor Swift song, missing all of the chord changes.

At least drama kids are entertaining.  
-  
It’s at the third party that Nico gets asked out for the first time. He’s with this guy, Gage or something. They’re drinking in the kitchen, Nico having a soda, Gage drinking something that kind of smells like whiskey. He’s leaning closer and closer to Nico as the night goes on, and Nico can see how big Gage’s pupils look.

“Wanna go out with me? You’re really handsome.”

Nico’s not sure what to say, so he just nods. Because he’s never been asked out before, but he’s super flattered. Even if he’s only known Gage for about fifteen minutes. He’s kissed two guys so far - not including Will. Maybe Gage will be the third.

Their first date is to the movies like some cliché romance. Gage buys the movie tickets, and Nico buys the snacks. He’s glad that they go to a movie because Gage is way less funny when he’s sober than when he was drunk. At least, he’s more of a gentleman, giving Nico space and holding doors open for him.

“Have you seen this movie before?” Gage asks. Nico shakes his head. It was something about aliens and the end of the world. It didn’t make much sense to Nico, but Gage seemed super into it. He raised his fist at the screen, silently shouting whenever something he didn’t agree with happened. It was like he was watching sports or something, Nico thinks.

It isn’t like watching movies with Will. Although, Will didn’t like going to the theater. He likes watching movies at home on the couch with lots of popcorn and blankets and being able to talk through the whole thing. Because, unlike Gage, Will would have screamed at the screen.

“Dinner?” Gage asks once the movie’s over and he’s stopped ranting about the special effects and the plot line. “We could somewhere or get a pizza?”

“Pizza,” Nico says. He’s feeling pretty awkward, and he’s thought about calling Will more than once just to make up some excuse and leave. That and Will keeps texting him to give him updates.

When Nico told Will that he was going on a date with Gage, Will had pouted for about two hours. Then he quickly launched into ‘best friend mode’ where he made sure that Nico knew he could text him whenever he needed to, that he’d find some way of rescuing Nico should the date go south. And if it went well, he wanted to hear all about it.

Gage has his license, so he orders the pizza, picking it up on the way to his house. He tells Nico that his mom isn’t home so they have the whole place to themselves. That doesn’t quite make Nico feel comfortable, but he’s also a little excited. He’s only ever been to Will’s house unsupervised. This is what dates were like, right?

They settle themselves on the couch, the pizza box on the table. Nico had tried to get plates, but Gage said that they could just use napkins and eat with their hands. Though the TV is on, Nico’s overly conscious about dripping onto the couch or dropping something. It looks like an expensive couch, and Nico doesn’t want to stain it.

Gage snags them some beer from his mom’s supply. “Don’t tell her, but it’s fine,” he says. Nico doesn’t think that makes any sense, but he doesn’t point this out. It’s Gage’s house, and it’s his mom. Nico’s not going to start any drama. He wonders if he and Gage are now boyfriends. He’s not sure if he likes the idea or not.

“Wanna kiss?” Gage asks after a few sips of his beer. Nico hasn’t touched his. It’s still unopened. He doesn’t have time to answer before Gage is lurching towards him, a grin on his face. Nico lets it happen, relaxing into the kiss. He’s definitely gotten better, he thinks. Gage doesn’t seem to mind. He leads, pulling Nico towards him.

Nico tries to figure out what to do with his hands. He slides them up Gage’s back first, moving towards his hair, but Gage pulls them back down, resting them on his lower back. “Feel free to go even lower,” he mumbles. And then he’s kissing Nico again.

Nico keeps his hands where they are, not daring to move faster than they are. He’s practically laying on top of Gage, his hands pinned underneath Gage’s weight. But he’s not scared. He’s even starting to enjoy the kiss. Until Gage sticks his tongue in Nico’s mouth. Nico pulls back.

“No French kissing, dude?” Gage asks. Nico wipes his mouth, catching his breath. He didn’t think he was ready for French kissing, for feeling someone’s tongue in his mouth. The idea seemed gross. “Here, I’ll go slower. Give you time to adjust,” Gage says. He pulls Nico back down to him, teasing Nico’s lips with his tongue now.

It felt better. Maybe Nico was just shocked at the suddenness of it. He pulls away again after a few minutes. By the time Gage’s mom gets home, they’re sitting on the couch, a good distance between them.

“So, I’m not really feeling a second date,” Gage says slowly when he drops Nico off.

Nico smiles. “No hard feelings. I was thinking the same thing.” Gage smiles back, waving as he drives off. Nico calls Will immediately.

“French kissing is kind of gross,” he says. “At least if you don’t really like the person.” Will laughs, begging Nico to tell him the rest of the details, and Nico does. Every single detail. And maybe if things had stayed that way, things wouldn’t have fallen apart.


	4. theo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has a crush.
> 
> (Will's POV)

“How many guys have you kissed now?” Will asks. It’s Monday, the day for the usual gay update. Nico grabs his books before answering.

“I think I’m at about eight or nine. I’m trying to decide if I should count what happened last weekend.” He looks at Will for his opinion.

“I think it only counts for the experiment if lips touched,” Will says. “The other stuff is kissing, but the experiment has to be consistent.”

Nico nods. It’s the beginning of junior year, the beginning of a new school year. Will’s got new notebooks and pens and pencils that aren’t only three inches long. He was going to get a new backpack, but Austin somehow destroyed his and got a new one instead.

“Well, new year, new guys,” Nico says. Will doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t really think this experiment is a good idea. The only reason he let Nico do it at the beginning was that he didn’t think it’d last so long. He thought Nico would find someone to date and it’d be over. Or he’d confess that he’d had a crush on Will since their first kiss freshman year.

Nico waves to some kids in the hallway, and Will wonders if he’s kissed them. He feels a little sick at the thought of Nico’s lips touching so many others, but he’s not Nico’s mom. It’s not up to him to tell Nico what to do. Even if he is Nico’s best friend.  
“Any kisses stand out?” Will asks.

Nico shrugs. “Not really. I’m still figuring out that one, though. With the Theo guy, remember him?” Nico asks. Will nods. Theo was in their grade, new to the school last year. He was the kind of kid who was just cool without having to try. He already had his little group of friends and a slew of rumors that he merely smiled at when asked.

Will thinks Theo’s a player. He’s seen him with girls and boys underneath the stairwell, out on the soccer fields, in the hallways. Theo’s not the kind of guy Will wants Nico to think about.

“We only kind of kissed,” Nico’s saying. “Like, we didn’t kiss on the lips. He kept kissing my neck and shoulders. And then I kissed his neck. We were going to kiss on the lips, I think. But some drunk walked into the room.” Will’s thankful for that drunk. Although, maybe if they’d kissed on the lips, Nico wouldn’t be thinking about Theo anymore.

“I think you should just forget about him,” Will says. “Move onto another guy. Or have you decided?”

“Decided what?” Nico asks, looking confused.

“If you’re gay or not,” Will says quietly. Nico blinks.

“Oh, yeah. I’m definitely gay,” he says. Will’s a bit surprised. He kind of thought Nico would have told him if he knew. Especially since he’d seemed so worried about it earlier. “I haven’t really thought about it recently. I guess I’m more focused on who’s a better kisser now,” Nico says.

Will shrugs. He’s thinking that Nico sounds kind of like a player now, but he doesn’t say it out loud. He doesn’t say anything until they’re in the middle of a Harry Potter movie marathon. It’s a Friday night, and the house isn’t quiet. But that’s where Will’s most comfortable, when there’s background noise.

“I think I might have a crush on someone,” Will says. He’s trying to sound casual because he doesn’t want to make a big deal about. Even though he kind of does. “But I’m not sure they like me back.” He’s sure they don’t like him back.

Nico turns away from the screen, looking at Will. It’s dark in the living room, but Will can see almost perfectly with the television screen. “How could they not like you back?” Nico asks. It surprises Will a little. “Are they not gay or whatever?”

Will shakes his head. He’s been thinking about this ever since Nico told him he was gay. “They are. But I’m not sure if they think of me as dating material. Like, we’re just friends, you know?” Nico shrugs. Will has a lot of school friends, friends that he does projects with and studies with sometimes. But his main friend is Nico. Will wonders if Nico’s getting the hints.

“Maybe you should ask them out? Take your chances,” Nico says. He’s not looking at Will now, his eyes back to the screen. Will sighs, feeling a frown on his face.

“But what if I mess it all up?” Will asks. Nico sighs, fumbling for the remote before pausing the movie. He turns back to Will.

“You can’t mess it up. If they’re your friend, they’ll understand. It might take a little time, but they’ll come back.” Will shrugs. He’s not sure. He doubts Nico’s even thought about dating Will. He’s pretty sure Nico only kissed him that one time to prove that he was gay. Will was just a pair of lips.

“Maybe. Or maybe I’ll just mess everything up. I mean, I’m not as great as you think I am,” Will says, trying for a little humor. He’s not exactly the kind of guy everyone wants to date. He’s not fit or lean, and he’s not athletic. He’s a little pudgy and wears sweaters when It’s cold. He wants glasses, though he has perfect vision. He sings in the shower.

Nico huffs. “I think if you really like this person, you should go for it.” Will nods slowly.

“Will you help me?” Nico nods.  
-  
Will feels anxious. He really does. His hands are shaking, and his heartbeat keeps going crazy. And it’s not even Tuesday yet, the day he’s going to ask. His favorite day of the week. (He has no idea why.)

Nico and Will had spent the entire weekend googling cute ways to ask someone out, pick-up lines, flowers vs. chocolate? They sifted through Will’s closet, asked Will’s older brothers (to Will’s embarrassment).

“Definitely a button-down,” Lee says. “It makes you look taller, I think.”

“Don’t forget to comb your hair,” Michael says.

Will doesn’t tell Mama, though he’s sure she knows what’s going on. Almost nothing slips past her. Not to mention, she’s probably looked through their search history. He’s not allowed to clear it, so all of the pick-up lines and embarrassing flirting websites are locked into time.

“Are you sure they’re going to like all of these puns?” Nico asks. “I mean, I find them funny, but not a lot of people do.”

Will shrugs. “They’ll like them,” he says. He’s nervous and sweaty and kind of wants to just forget this whole idea. If he could back out now, he would. Only, everyone knows now, including Nico. And it’s getting harder to tell if Nico’s just being naive, oblivious, or really doesn’t like him that way.

“Can you tell me who it is?” Nico asks on Sunday afternoon. They’ve gotten all of the stuff, and Will’s set out his clothes. Nico knows where he’s supposed to be so Will can find him after, and Will’s planned out where he’s going to ask (someplace somewhat private so Nico won’t feel pressured).

Will shakes his head. Nico nods. He doesn’t ask again. Will kind of wishes he’d told him.

Because Nico messes up the plan.

It’s Monday afternoon, and they have a chemistry test to study for. Will’s driving them to his house because his brothers are good at chemistry in case they need help.

“You have a date?” Will asks, trying not to sound hurt. “I thought we were hanging out this weekend.” They’d left Friday open for Will’s date. It was looking like he wouldn’t need it.

“We hang out every weekend. It’ll just be for a few hours. I’ll spend the rest of the weekend with you. How else are we going to get through every Harry Potter movie?” Nico asks.

Will just shrugs. He’s trying not to feel hurt that Nico’s going on yet another date. He wonders if Nico even likes this person. He wonders why Nico even says yes. Does Nico just not know how to say no? Or does he just want to give everyone a chance?

“Where are you going on your date?” Will asks. Nico’s crossing his arms now, seemingly defensive of his date.

“Chico’s,” he says. Will nods. He doesn’t really like Chico’s, though that’s mostly because he doesn’t really like Mexican food. “And maybe a movie. If there’s anything good playing.”

“Harry Potter’s playing,” Will mumbles. He’s not sure if he wants Nico to hear him or not, but it’s clear he does.

“Besides, you’ve got your date Friday. So it works,” Nico says. Will doesn’t say anything.

Studying is a little tense, and Will can’t concentrate. He doesn’t understand anymore why this test is so important when his best friend is mad at him and definitely doesn’t like him back. He can’t tell Nico that he was going to ask him out. Nico would just tell him that he was a great guy, a great best friend, but he didn’t like him like that. (Because he wasn’t Theo, Will thinks. Will would never be Theo, for good or bad.)

He knows one thing, though. He can’t ask Nico out. Once Nico leaves, he gives the flower to his mom. She doesn’t ask, but she seems to understand that he and Nico are in some sort of fight. (Nico didn’t stay for dinner.) He hangs up his blue button-down, and he tosses his sticky notes full of puns and pick-up lines into the trash.

Will’s not sure why he feels so hurt. It’s just a crush, he thinks. Just an unrequited crush. Maybe it’s because it’s his first one, so he’s sure he’ll get over it. Nico will go on his date and never see Theo again. And then he and Will will make cookies or play video games, and everything will be back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two short chapters for today :)


	5. jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> friendships can fall apart
> 
> (Nico’s POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: minor character death mention, some bullying, theo's a jerk
> 
> insecurities suck

Whoever said junior year was the most important one was right, Nico thinks. Looking back, junior year is full of pitfalls and tragedy and moments he wishes he could redo.

He’s on a date with Theo when he gets a call from Will. They haven’t been hanging out as much, but Nico chalks that up to junior year. He’s been hanging out with Theo more, and Will’s been studying and going to club meetings. They still hang out on the weekends, though, a compromise that they’ve both made to remain friends.

“Nico?” Will croaks when he answers the phone.

“Will, what’s wrong?” Nico asks. Because he knows that voice, the one that means Will’s about to break down any moment. (He’s only heard it once before when Will ran over a squirrel the year he was learning to drive.)

“Can you come home?” Will knows Nico’s on a date, so Nico knows that this is serious. He cups his hand over the phone, looking at Theo.

“I need to go home,” he says. “Family emergency.” Theo nods, flashing that grand smile of his. He looks concerned, asking if everything’s okay. “I’m on my way, Will,” he says. He hears Will sniffling, and he turns up the radio so that Will can listen as he drives home. He’s not too far, so he takes the shortcut, speeding just a little.

When he gets home, Mama points Nico upstairs. “His grandma died,” she says. Nico nods. He knows how close Will and his grandma are, even if they don’t live in the same state.

He finds Will in his bed, curled up in his sheets. A pile of tissues is growing in his trash can, and he can only see Will’s blond hair, hear the sniffling. He climbs into bed, pulling Will close to him. Will’s shaking, and he tries to say something before bursting into tears.

“I’m here,” Nico whispers. As Will sobs into his shoulder, it feels like the last few weeks melt away. He’s not exactly sure if he and Will are still fighting. But things are definitely more tense than usual. Will avoids hanging out when Theo’s around, and he doesn’t call as much. Nico, for his part, doesn’t invite Will to hang out with him and Theo anymore and he makes a point to set aside time to hang out with Will. (It was never hard to juggle friends and family as Will was family. He’s still trying to figure out how to juggle friends and a boyfriend.)

After about twenty minutes, Will calms down enough to speak. “Thanks,” he sniffles. “I’m basically a mess.” Nico thinks Will’s just wiped his nose on Nico’s shirt, but he doesn’t say anything. Will’s hurting, so passes are given. “I just didn’t expect this. Heart attack,” he says.

Nico rubs Will’s back, producing a package of Goldfish from his nightstand. Will gives him a small smile, sitting up so that he can open the bag. They sit in silence, Will hiccuping as they eat Goldfish.

“We’re leaving for her funeral on Thursday,” Will says. “I’ll be gone the whole weekend. So free pass.” He looks at Nico. “But we can have our sleepover next weekend,” he adds. Nico nods, though he feels weirdly happy that their sleepover is canceled. (He wonders if that makes him a bad friend?)

“Is it selfish to ask if I can stay for dinner tonight?” Will asks. “Mama’s a mess, too. And Dad’s trying to get ahold of Lee. And the rest of my siblings are all sad.” Nico understands.

“Of course, Will,” he says. Nico doesn’t quite know what’s happened between them, but he feels some sort of distance that he’s never felt before. Will’s never had to ask to stay for dinner. It was always implied that he would. And it was never thought of as selfish.

“I feel like so many things are ending,” Will mumbles. “We’re still friends, right? I know we haven’t really been hanging out.”

Nico nods. Because that’s what Will needs to hear right now, but he can’t help but feel like he’s lying somehow. “Friends forever, right? That’s what we promised.” Will smiles.  
-  
The week Will is gone is weird. Nico isn’t sure what to do. Will’s never felt so far away. During the summer months, whenever they travel, they would always know to call and text every day. They would send each other pictures of trees and themselves and their family. They would take turns saying goodnight. Now, though, Nico wasn’t sure if he was supposed to text or call.

And he felt bad for not remembering, but he blames this on Theo. Theo with his hazel eyes and brown hair. He was always running his fingers through it, making it stand up just a little bit. Even though he gelled it, it was always soft to the touch, and Nico likes how it smells, like raspberries or something.

“Where’s Will?” Theo asks when Nico hugs him. They try to keep PDA to a minimum around Will. He doesn’t seem to like it, though he’s never seemed bothered by it before. But Will isn’t here right now, so Nico can even make out with Theo in the hallway if he wants to.

“Funeral,” Nico says. “That was the family emergency.” Theo nods, petting Nico’s hair.

“Everything okay?” Nico thinks that’s a strange question. Because Will’s obviously not okay. He’d come to school puffy-eyed every morning and quiet. He would smile at Nico, ask questions in class, but it was clear he was sad.

“Yeah,” Nico says anyway. “He’s fine. Just grieving.”

Theo smiles. “He’ll get over it. I bet his grandma was old and ready to die.” Nico blinks, but he doesn’t say anything. He knows that Theo doesn’t really understand their friendship, that he doesn’t really understand Will. “He’s always pretty emotional, you know,” Theo adds.

Nico shrugs. He doesn’t want to say anything bad about Will, especially since Will’s sad. But Will is usually the more emotional one. He would cry whenever people would die in movies or books. He cried during Bambi and you never even saw anything. He would even cry if he saw a really cute dog sometimes. (He’d always kind of liked that about Will, how he wasn’t afraid to feel things.)

“He’ll be back next week,” Nico says. “You want to hang out after school?” Theo grins.

They’re officially boyfriends now, and Nico feels like a schoolgirl. Everything Theo does is amazing, he thinks. Theo plays sports, but he’s not on a team. He has a lot of friends even though he just moved last year. And he’s really cool. He makes friends with the teachers and asks smart questions in class. In other words, he’s like a cool, athletic Will.

Unfortunately, Nico’s family doesn’t quite like Theo. “Where’s Will?” Bianca asks when she comes home for fall break. She’d been waiting for him to get home and had hugged him immediately. Nico had felt a little embarrassed when Theo walked in behind him.

“He’s studying,” Nico says. In truth, Nico has no idea what Will’s doing. They’d talked after Will got back, but Will had still been sad, and Nico had had a date with Theo to get ready for. “There’s some history test coming up, I think,” he adds.

“And you don’t need to study?” She’s giving Theo a few glances, but Theo doesn’t seem to notice. He’s looking at the framed pictures on the mantle.

“We’re not in the same history class,” Nico says. Which is true. “Anyway, this is Theo. We’re boyfriends.” He smiles, grabbing Theo’s hand. Theo squeezes back even though the only touching he really allows is kissing. He’s not much of a hugger like Will, and he thinks his hands are too sweaty to hold. Nico disagrees.

“Hey,” Bianca says. She looks him over. Nico thinks she looks unimpressed. He feels a little awkward. Isn’t your family supposed to like your significant others? “Is he staying for dinner?”

“Yup,” Nico says. He smiles.

“Well, nice to meet you.” She walks off. “Tell Will that I miss him,” she calls back.

Theo whistles once she’s gone. “Tough love,” he says. Nico shakes his head. He knows Bianca loves him. And she’ll come around for Theo sooner or later. She’s probably just upset Nico hadn’t told her sooner.

Nico shows Theo his and Will’s treehouse. It’s had some wear and tear over the years, but it’s still relatively stable and sturdy. They climb up, laying back. They don’t fit quite as well as he and Will. Theo’s taller, got longer legs, has broader shoulders. But they make it work. And Nico doesn’t mind cuddling up with Theo, even if Theo doesn’t really like it.

“Nice place,” Theo says. “I wish I could have a treehouse.”

“We can share,” Nico says, only feeling a small twinge of guilt that he didn’t ask Will. He moves his shoe so that it covers where Will had carved his name into the wood.

“Thanks,” Theo says. “I feel like I should sign it or something.” That makes Nico feel weird so he shakes his head.

“That’s just tacky,” he says. Theo nods. Nico puts his other shoe over his name. If he closes his eyes, he can pretend that Will doesn’t exist, that it’s just him and Theo, friends and boyfriends forever.  
-  
It was kind of awkward having a best friend like Will sometimes. Now he was back to his old self, and he wanted to hang out more again. He kept hinting that Nico wasn’t spending enough time with him, that he couldn’t remember the last time he and Nico had hung out, the last time they’d had a sleepover.

“Sleepovers are kind of for kids,” Theo says one day at lunch. Will blinks, looking over at Nico. Nico shrugs. “I mean, they’re fun. But they’re really for kids. Older kids have one-night stands and go to parties.”

“Or stay in committed relationships and not play around,” Will mumbles. Nico’s not sure if Theo heard. “I like sleepovers,” Will adds. He picks at his lunch, twirling a carrot in some ranch dressing.

“How about you guys come to a party this weekend?” Theo asks. “I hear that Mac’s throwing one. Lots of beer and good music.” He smiles.

Will shrugs. “I don’t drink,” he says.

“Have you ever tried?” Theo asks. “Because cheap beer tastes gross. You’ve got to get the good stuff.”

Will shakes his head. “I don’t drink,” he repeats. Nico glances at him, taking Theo’s hand.

“I don’t really drink either, but I think this party sounds fun. I’ll go.” He turns to Will. “It’s okay if you don’t want to go,” he says. Hurt flashes across Will’s face for a moment. He clears his throat.

“Probably lame anyway,” he says, shrugging. He grabs his tray, standing up. “I’ve got to talk to a teacher about something. See you later, Nico.” He waves, and Nico smiles.

Theo turns to Nico now. “I’m glad he’s gone,” he starts, “because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” Nico nods slowly. “I don’t think Will’s a good friend.”

Nico feels like he’s been punched in the gut. Because Will’s his best friend. They’re just going through a rough patch right now. Will’s the best friend Nico’s ever had.

“Look, Nico. He’s just clingy, you know? Like, he has other friends, but he doesn’t hang out with them. He’s really emotional which can be mentally unhealthy, and he’s indecisive. He takes forever to make up his mind. Which I fear is bad for him as well.”

Nico frowns. He doesn’t quite understand. “He thinks through things,” he says. “And it’s not bad to feel things, you know.”

Theo nods. “I know, but he moped around for two weeks after his grandma died. That’s a bit extreme, I think. He should be happy that she’s in a better place now. But he’s also really possessive of you. He doesn’t like me because he thinks I’m stealing away your friendship. Which I’m not. You want us to be friends, right?”

Nico nods. He just wants Theo and Will to get along. He doesn’t understand why they don’t. “I don’t think he’s jealous. Will doesn’t get jealous. It’s just new for him. I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

“He’s jealous, I think,” Theo says. “He’s jealous because he doesn’t have a boyfriend. He doesn’t even know if he’s straight or gay or whatever. How about I talk to him? Just one-on-one, you know?”

“Okay,” Nico says. He just wants all of his friends to be friends with each other, and he’s sure if Will likes Theo then his family will also like Theo. It kind of hurts that they’re taking Will’s side of things even though Nico’s their son.

Nico doesn’t like all of the things Theo’s saying about Will, but he can’t help but think they’re true. Like when Will calls Nico when he’s on a date for math homework help when he could have called anyone else. Or when Will wants to hang out without Theo. Or when Will comments that he isn’t as fit as Theo.

“He uses his insecurities to make you pity him,” Theo had said. And Will had a lot of insecurities that Nico used to just hold tenderly and try to cheer Will up about. But now he just thinks that maybe if Will joined a sport or worked out, he’d be able to gain muscle. But Will wants to play video games and study and read.

“Have you talked to him?” Nico asks a few weeks after their conversation. He and Will have been fighting again. He’s giving Will the silent treatment, and Will just keeps asking what he’s done wrong. Theo says that Will needs to figure it out on his own or else he’ll be dependent on Nico for the rest of his life.

“I have. I’m still working on it. He’s stubborn.” That’s something Nico can agree with. He and Will have always been stubborn. Like the time Will tried to come to school with the flu. So Nico got the flu as well, and they stayed home together. Nico had bought Will a stuffed dog to cuddle with, and Will had gotten him a stuffed cat.

“I can talk to him, too,” Nico says quietly. He hates confrontation, especially with Will. He hates upsetting Will, but, maybe, he thinks that’s why they’re fighting. If they just said everything, then maybe there’d be nothing left to fight about. And then they could all be friends. “I just wish this stuff could be simple,” he says.

Theo kisses his cheek. “It would be if Will just stopped hating me. Jealousy is an evil mistress.” Nico had laughed at that, though he wasn’t sure why.  
-  
Things fell apart just before the Christmas holiday. Nico’s not sure which part he regrets more, making Will leave or letting Will leave. He didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late.

“Why haven’t you been talking to me?” Nico asks Will. He’s angry that Will didn’t show up for his family’s white elephant gift exchange like they did every year. He’s also angry that Will’s been acting like a sore loser when Nico and Theo are trying to fix things. It’s like Will doesn’t want to be Nico’s friend and that hurts.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Will shoots back. He’s not glaring, but he’s doing something to his face that makes it unpleasant to look at. Not to mention that this is the first time Will’s talked back. Usually, he just tries to help without actually being helpful, suggesting that maybe Theo’s part of the problem instead of blaming it all on Will. “I was letting you spend time with your boyfriend because that seems like all you want to do.”

“Well, he’s my boyfriend. We hang out together. That’s what we’re supposed to do,” Nico says. He crosses his arms, though he knows it probably looks childish. He’s not sure why Will’s so upset about this. He’s allowed to kiss who he wants, date who he wants. Will’s not his mom, and he can’t tell Nico what to do.

“He’s a player, though, Nico. He’ll just dump you in a few months. I’m just trying to help you.” Nico laughs. If Will was trying to help him, he’d stop trying to tear them apart and act like everyone was out to get him. Will didn’t want to hang out anymore even though Nico had invited him to his family’s Christmas party. 

“Right, because your jealousy is showing.” Hurt flashes across Will’s face. Nico only feels a prick of guilt.

“I’m your best friend, Nico. I wouldn’t lie to you.” Will seems frustrated, his cheeks reddening.

“Well, you are,” Nico says. “Maybe we aren’t friends anymore.” He can tell Will’s about to cry by the twitch of his nose. Will’s never been ashamed to cry in front of him before, but they’ve never fought like this before. Will takes off down the hall. Nico stomps over to where Theo’s been standing and kisses him on the lips, right in the middle of the hallway.

Will doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” Theo asks quietly. He looks concerned but also a bit amused. Nico’s not sure he’s reading Theo right.

“Yeah,” Nico says. It hurts that maybe he and Will aren’t friends anymore, but he’s glad that he won’t have any more toxicity in his life. Without Will, he can focus purely on his relationship with Theo, getting into college, and leaving high school behind.

“I wouldn’t worry about him, Nico,” Theo says softly, playing with his hair, something he only does on rare occasions. “He’s got other friends. And college is coming up. High school is just a lie, really. College is where everything happens.” He kisses Nico’s cheek, and Nico settles into his arms.

He doesn’t see Will for the rest of the day.


	6. help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things aren't getting better
> 
> (Will's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: bullying, mentions of claustrophobia, mention of anxiety, mentions of homophobia
> 
> please let me know if anything needs to be tagged

Will knew he and Nico were fighting, but he didn’t know it was this bad. He could sort of handle Nico not talking to him, choosing Theo over him, but he didn’t know what to do when Nico wouldn’t look at him anymore. It hurt, that Nico believed whatever Theo said without even thinking about it himself.

Nico had said Will was being clingy, so Will tried to give Nico space only to get yelled at for ignoring him. Or he tried to do things his own way so that he was being more independent, but then he was being passive-aggressive and upset. Will didn’t know why their friendship was so drained all of a sudden, why Theo didn’t seem to like Will.

“Mama,” Will calls when he gets home. He’s tired himself out trying to figure out which apology Nico will respond to. He’s slipped sticky notes in Nico’s locker, tried to talk to Theo, tried to talk to Nico, but Nico’s still pretending he doesn’t exist.

“She’s in the backyard,” Kayla says. She’s at the kitchen table doing her homework. Will finds his mom fixing up their yard. She always tried to clean out her garden after the harvest, but it had been raining the last few days. She’s on her hands and knees, her hands covered in dirt.

“Hi, sweetie,” she says. She smiles at him.

“Nico still isn’t talking to me,” Will says. “And I have this feeling like he won’t ever talk to me again.” Will sniffles a little, tears pricking his eyes. He’s never voiced this particular thought out loud because now it sounds more real. Like he and Nico really aren’t friends anymore.

“What happened?” Mama asks.

“Theo’s friends are teasing me,” Will says. He remembers back in elementary school when the teachers would say that he needed to tell a trusted adult if he was being bullied. But now that he’s in high school, he looks like a coward or a snitch. Which only causes more teasing. “They keep shoving me in the halls or saying that I’m sexually confused. That Nico only kept me around because he pitied me.”

Mama makes a noise, patting the ground beside her. “Have you tried talking to Nico?” Will nods. He’s tried walking up to Nico, but Theo always stopped him. Or one of Theo’s friends. Or Nico would just walk away. And Will knew better than to chase Nico down the hall. He knows what ‘no’ means, even if it hurts.

“I don’t know why I was so stupid to believe that Nico could have a crush on me,” Will mumbles. “It’s obvious he hates me now.”

Mama kisses his forehead. “He doesn’t hate you, Will. He’s just in his first relationship. Still in the honeymoon phase. It’ll pass, and he’ll come back to you.” Will shrugs. He wasn’t sure it was so simple. Nico seemed to really like Theo. They were always making out in the hallway or holding hands. (They’d stopped saving Will a seat at lunch.)

“But what if he doesn’t?” Will sometimes wonders if Nico knows that he was - is - Will’s crush and was disgusted by it. That he’s only dating Theo os he won’t have to go on a pity date with Will. And he’ll keep dating Theo until Will’s out of the picture. “What if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?”

“You two are best friends,” Mama says. “You guys will work this out. Why don’t you try going to his house this weekend? School may not be the best place to work things out.”

Will nods. He’s tried a lot of things, even going so far as to look up ways to apologize to one’s friend. Unfortunately, there isn’t any advice for what to do in his specific situation. (He has to choose between helping his friend in an abusive relationship and trying to salvage a friendship. He doesn’t believe that he’s the only one who’s ever been in this situation. But maybe that just means that there’s nothing he really can do.)

He doesn’t go to Nico’s house until Saturday afternoon. After he’s written and re-written Nico a Christmas card and wrapped his present (something he’d gotten Nico back in July before everything fell apart).

He knocks on Nico’s door, something he still does, even when he and Nico were best friends and not fighting. He’s not sure who he expects to open the door, but it’s not Bianca.

“Will!” she says. She’s smiling at him, and Will has hope. Bianca wouldn’t want to see him if Nico had said awful things about him to her, right? “Come in. I’ve missed you. How’s junior year?”

Will walks in, shrugging. He doesn’t usually give Bianca Christmas presents, but he kind of wishes he did now. “It’s okay. Not as great as I thought it’d be. Just as stressful.”

Bianca nods. “Are you thinking about going to college?” Will shrugs again. He and Nico have talked about college some, but they’d decided over the summer that it wouldn’t matter which college they chose because they’d find a way to make long-distance work.

“How’s college for you?” Will asks. He doesn’t want to talk about himself right now. He’s afraid he might start talking about Nico or sound self-centered or just break down.

“It’s been really fun, actually. At first, I was super homesick, but now I have friends and have joined a few clubs.” She smiles, telling him about some of her friends, about this funny thing a professor did in class.

Halfway through her story, Nico comes in. They watch as he grabs something from the fridge without even looking at Will. Will feels himself shrink a little.

“Nico? Aren’t you going to say hi to Will?” Bianca asks. Her tone is sharper than Will’s used to, and he realizes that maybe she does know what’s been happening.

“Hi,” Nico says. He turns to go upstairs, but Bianca grabs his arm. She whispers something to him. “Why? I didn’t invite him. He just showed up. I’m going to see Theo.”

Bianca glares at him. “I don’t understand why you aren’t talking to him. Just because your boyfriend doesn’t like him.”

“You know why,” Nico hisses. He glares at Will before stomping upstairs.

“I’m sorry,” Bianca says. Will feels like crying.

“It’s fine,” he says. “I’m used to it now.” He’s not. He doesn’t think he’s ever going to be used to Nico hating him. “Here’s his Christmas gift. And there’s a card,” Will adds.

“I’ll talk to him,” Bianca says. “Theo’s a jerk, and Nico’s being one, too. I’m really sorry he’s treating you like this. You’re welcome over here anytime.”

Will nods, but he doubts he’ll be back here again. He leaves the gift bag on the counter, wondering if Nico will even open it before tossing it into the trash. He’d gotten Nico a rare collector’s action figure of Hades because Nico secretly loves Greek mythology, and he’s collecting the main twelve gods and goddesses. Now he has all twelve. (If he opens it.)

Will waves to Bianca who gives him a small smile. Will has to pull over in a grocery store parking lot because his eyes are stinging from trying not to cry. He can’t get Nico’s cold voice and hard glare out of his mind. He always thought he’d have Nico by his side, but maybe he was just being too dependent.

Maybe if he showed Nico he could he like Theo, Nico would take him back. And then they could be friends again. Maybe.  
-  
Christmas was like a reprieve from school. Will got to hang out with his family, eat cookies, and sing carols all day long. He could talk to people without worrying if he was being too clingy or stupid or wondering if they secretly hated him.

But going back to school was anxiety-inducing. Will didn’t want to see Nico all wrapped around Theo. He didn’t want to see them kissing in the hallway, didn’t want to see them holding hands or laughing at each other’s jokes. Theo’s friends had started calling him out for things he didn’t even notice he was doing. Things like walking funny or talking funny or smiling weirdly.

Will doubted he did any of those things, but it was hard not to think he did when they were constantly telling him so. And they’d walk so that he had to move out of their way all of the time or else their shoulders would crash into each other.

They liked to play this game of chicken in the hallways where they’d see who moved first (Will) or if they would crash. Sometimes Will would flinch before they even started walking, and they’d laugh so hard. Will tried to be a good sport about it, but it was hard when he wasn’t sure anymore. Usually, he’d go and talk to someone else or sit with someone else, but no one wanted to talk to a victim of Theo’s bullying. So they all left him alone. Pretending like he didn’t exist or was only asking for homework help.

Only Kayla would talk to him, but he didn’t want to let her get bullied just because they were related. So he didn’t talk to her at school, telling her that it was okay if she just hung out with her friends, that the bullying was really minor, that it didn’t hurt his feelings.

“You know, I think you just hate gays,” Peter says one day. “You’re always making gross faces whenever you see Nico and Theo kissing. I think they’re cute together.” He’s smiling at Will in a way that makes his stomach flop uncomfortably.

“I’m not homophobic,” Will says.

“Well, you seem like you are,” Bryce says. “You always avoid looking at them or walking by them. And you look so disgusted whenever you do see them. I bet you’re also gay. And you aren’t just jealous but also turned on. And you just can’t admit it.”

Will shakes his head. “I’m bi,” he says. Everyone knows that.

“Poor Will. Can’t make up his mind,” Octavian says. “He’s leaving his options open just in case he gets rejected.”

Will isn’t sure what to say. He knows how they work, how they twist his words and make it all sound wrong.

“If you’re not homophobic, why don’t you tell the whole hallway that you support Nico and Theo’s relationship,” Bryce says. Peter and Octavian nod in agreement. “Go on, Willy.” He’s standing so close to Will right now that Will can smell his breath. He shoves Will’s chest with his hands, grinning. “We’re waiting.”

Will looks around. No one is coming to help him. Everyone is averting their eyes, not wanting to be a witness to his death. He shakes his head. He isn’t going to do what they tell him to do just because. He doesn’t support their relationship, so he’s not going to lie.

“Still in denial?” Peter asks. He grins. They all wear matching grins. “Back into the closet then, I guess.”

Before Will has any idea of what’s happening, they grab him, shoving him back. He stumbles, his shoulder knocking into something hard. Then it goes dark.

It takes him a moment to realize that he hasn’t passed out, that he’s still breathing, that his shoulder hurts a little. He can hear himself breathing, can hear the kids in the hallway, can hear the laughter outside what he assumes is a door. Because he doesn’t have a blindfold on.

“Let me out!” he calls. He tries to keep his voice steady, but what if they don’t let him out? He reaches for his backpack, trying to find his phone. It lights up the room, and he realizes that he’s in the janitor’s closet. There aren’t any lights in here because it’s so small. He opens up his messaging app, scrolling to Nico’s name. It’s close to the top, a whole month of unanswered texts. He wants to try again, but Nico’s probably in class.

(And what if Nico just laughs? Says it was a good joke? That Will is just a baby for not playing along with it?) Two months ago, he’d have texted Nico in a heartbeat, and Nico would have come saved him. Also, two months ago, he wouldn’t be stuck in a closet.

So he doesn’t text Nico. He puts his phone to sleep to save battery, trying to control his breathing. But the smell of dirty water and chemicals and the fact that no one cares if he’s in here is getting to him. He’s never been claustrophobic, but he imagines this is what it feels like. Dirty and cramped and dark.

He tries pounding on the door again, but there isn’t anyone in the hallways now. He’s been counted absent, his parents are going to ask him if he’s skipping now. (He’s thought about it.) He’s not sure he wants to tell them about this. What would they think? This stuff would never have happened to Michael or Lee. No one would dare make fun of them.

Will thinks he’s close to panicking when he hears the last bell. He’s been in here for almost two hours. His leg has gone numb, and he’s really close to crying. What if they close down the school with him still here? His breathing is getting quicker at the thought of being locked in this closet all night. He’s hungry, and he’s a little scared.

His phone starts ringing. “Will? Where are you?” Kayla asks. He’s supposed to drive them home. “Will?”

“In the closet,” he says, his voice rough from not using it.

“What?” Kayla asks. “Do you have a club meeting? I can ask Michael to come and get me.”

“No!” Will says. “No, I mean, I’m locked in a closet. I got shoved in a closet. Some janitor’s closet and the door is locked.”

“Oh,” Kayla says. Then she curses into the phone. Will pretends he didn’t hear that. “Which closet?” Kayla asks. He can hear her moving now, the voices in the background fading.

“The one by the science wing, I think?” He takes a deep breath. Help is coming. It’s a few minutes before Will finds himself falling back. He’s been leaning against the door, and now it’s open.

“Will, gosh. Are you okay?” He’s trying to get up, but Kayla pushes him back down. She hands him her water bottle, looking at him. “You’re really pale, you know. Maybe you should go see the nurse? Here, eat this.” She hands him a granola bar next. He can tell she’s angry with the way that she keeps herself busy.

(He’s more than embarrassed to have to be saved by his little sister. He feels like crying, but he’s not about to do that in the hallway.)

He drives them home after what feels like an eternity. Kayla keeps asking if she should drive. She’s learning how to now, and she’s not sure if Will should be driving. His legs are shaky, but he’s fine. They make it home without a scratch, and Will heads immediately for his room, hoping that Austin isn’t in it.

It’s only a few moments later that his dad is standing in the doorway. “Will, I think we should talk.” Will nods, and his dad sits down on his bed. Will only listens to half of the conversation. He’s so tired all of a sudden, like talking to people is suddenly draining.

“I think you should talk to someone,” his dad is saying. “Just to help you work through all of this. I know everything happened really suddenly. With your grandma and Nico.”

Will nods. He remembers when Nico held him, told him everything was going to be okay. (Was he lying then? Did he hate Will even then? Was he only doing that because Will had lost someone?) “I guess,” Will says. He doesn’t really want to talk to anyone. He doesn’t feel like talking. He just wants Nico back so they can play video games and have sleepovers in the treehouse and ride their bikes. (Or maybe all of those things are childish.)

“How about we try?” Dad asks. Will nods. “Just a month or two. And if it’s not working with this person, we can try someone or something else, okay?” Will nods again. A therapist isn’t going to replace Nico. It might just make him feel worse. He knew there was nothing wrong with therapy, but he didn’t want the kids at school to find out.

“I’m going back in the closet,” Will says after a minute. Dad frowns. “I mean, the metaphorical closet. I’m going back in. I’m not out anymore. No one knows what I am.” His dad hasn’t always been one for words. He always chose to express his love in other ways, gifts for their mother, going to sports games with his sons, riding bikes with Kayla, going to concerts with Austin.

“We’re going to figure this out, okay, Will? You’re going to be okay.” He kisses Will’s forehead, smiling. “I’ll call you for dinner.”  
-  
Will can’t imagine things getting better. But that next Friday, he and his mom are driving to his therapist’s office. His name is Dr. Friedman. Will’s going to try what sounds like a monthly subscription to see if this helps. He’s been more tired these last few days, not really having anything to do. He even has time after studying now, and he has to stop himself from calling or texting Nico to hang out.

He thinks about going up to their treehouse and just waiting for Nico to come out. But he also wonders if maybe Nico’s torn the thing down as way to burn the last remnants of their friendship.

“Just try, okay, sweetie?” Mama asks. She’s looking at Will with so much concern and love, and Will wants to crawl into her arms and stay there. He hates going to school now with all of those kids not caring about him. The teachers just ask him if anything’s wrong, but he doesn’t think they really care. Besides, what can they do? They can’t stop a whole school from hating him.

The office looks like a doctor’s office, clean and bright and new. His mom picks up a magazine from the table, flipping it open. Will leans over her arm, looking at the pages with her. This was something they used to do when he was young. He pulls back, and she gives him a weird look.

“William Solace?” asks a man. “I’m Dr. Zachary Friedman.” Will shakes the man’s hand, flinching a little when the man’s grip tightens a little. They head back to his office, a small, open room towards the back. The walls are a soft blue color, and there are white curtains over the windows.

“Have a seat. You can choose the couch or the chairs.” Will sits in the chairs. “I always like to try and introduce myself before we start,” he continues. “You can call me Zach or Dr. Friedman, whichever feels more comfortable. I grew up in Ohio but moved here about ten years ago.” He continues talking about himself, and Will slowly relaxes some.

“I’m Will,” he says when asked to introduce himself. He doesn’t know what to tell. There isn’t much, he thinks. Just that he really likes being outside, that he hates celery, that his favorite color is blue. None of that is interesting, though, so he doesn’t say anything.

Will can tell that Dr. Friedman is trying to be casual about this, but he kind of wishes he’d just ask about Nico, about why Will’s here, about something other than if he wishes he had a dog. “Who’s someone you trust very much?” he asks suddenly.

“My mom,” Will says. “And my dad. My family.” Dr. Friedman nods.

“I think for your first homework, I want you to write a letter to someone you trust about what’s been going on. You seem like you know already, but I want you to be more comfortable with these feelings. In our heads, we can pretend they don’t exist. But it’s harder when it’s on paper. So write a letter. You won’t have to show it to anyone. This is just for you.”

Will nods. They talk a little about school, about Will’s classes, his friends (none), what clubs he’s in (none anymore), college.

“I want you to feel comfortable in here,” Dr. Friedman says. “So if there’s any way to make you more relaxed, please let me know. Remember, we’re still getting to know each other. This kind of healing takes time and effort.” Will nods. He thinks everything takes time and effort.

“Do you help other people?” Will asks. The doctor nods. “Does it work for them?” He’s done some research on therapy. He knows it works, but he also knows it doesn’t work for everyone. He knows it depends on what you put into it, but sometimes just talking things through doesn’t help.

“I think if we start talking about what you’re going through now, it’ll help you be more able to deal with future bullying,” he says. “Because if we just bottle everything up, there’s no healing. It takes time to work through things, but the sooner we get started, the easier things will be later.”

“Okay,” Will says. He’s still not completely sure about this, but he wants to try. He needs to move on from Nico because Nico’s already left him behind. He needs to better himself so that maybe Nico will come back for him.


	7. making memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico's still with Theo. Will's out of the picture.
> 
> (Nico's POV)

Nico’s pretty sure if he knew what was happening, he’d rush over and put a stop to it. But he never knew, not until he got those letters. Not until his whole world turned upside down. Before Theo, there’d been Will. And now there was Theo. He never imagined them getting married or starting a family, but it was hard to see past Theo when he took up so much of Nico’s life. If only he’d known just how blind he’d been.

Nico’s family has always been supportive. They always encouraged him, loved him. Which is why he doesn’t understand why they don’t like Theo. He’d always thought that they’d be a little weird about his first boyfriend but then quickly get over it. But that isn’t what’s happening.

“I think you guys should meet Theo officially,” Nico says. His mom’s chopping vegetables by the sink, and his dad is sweeping the floors. Bianca’s back at school, but that’s probably a good thing. She’s less subtle about how much she hates Theo. At least his parents tried to appear supportive. “Like for dinner or something.”

“You want us to invite Theo over for dinner?” Mama asks. Nico nods, even though she’s got her back to him. “He’s over every other day. I think we’ve met him.”

Nico huffs. “But you don’t seem to like him. I think if you just met him, you’d see how great he is.”

His dad looks up now, dumping the dirt in the trash can. “Let’s just go with it, Maria,” Dad says. “He could be going through his rebellious years right now.” Nico’s standing right there.

“I’m not rebelling. I just really like Theo. And you guys should support me. Unless you have a problem with me being gay.”

Now his mom turns around. “We don’t have a problem with you being gay. Love boys all you want. The problem, we think, is Theo. He’s not a nice boy, Nico. We can’t tell you to break up with him, but we can’t support you dating, either.”

The thing about his parents was that they were always blunt. They weren’t exactly subtle, and they never coddled him when it wasn’t needed. They certainly weren’t doing it now.

“You’re a young man, Nico,” his dad says now. “You’re old enough to make your own decisions, and we have to respect that. But we’re still your parents, so we do get a say in these things.” Nico crosses his arms.

“Well, I’ve invited Theo over for dinner on Friday, and it’d be rude to un-invite him now.” His parents look surprised, but then they shrug.

“We’ll give him a chance, Nico, but one day you might look back on this and realize we’re only trying to help you.”

Nico storms up the stairs.

Friday comes soon enough, and his parents are no more happy than they’d been earlier.

“We’ll be on our best behavior,” they say when Nico asks. He almost wishes that Bianca were here, but then he remembers how outspoken she is and how much she doesn’t like Theo.

“Mrs. di Angelo, Mr. di Angelo,” Theo greets when he walks in. “So nice to meet you.” He shakes their hands, and they don’t tell him to call them by their first names like they did the sixth time Will came over. Because they’d also been tricked by Will.

They invite Theo into the dining room and sit him down. Then Mama serves him the chicken and rice dish she prepared. After a few minutes in silence, Nico clears his throat.

“So, Theo wants to go to college in California,” Nico says. He’s wanted to go there, too, ever since Theo thought of it. They had a plan. They were going to study together and apply to the same college. And then they wouldn’t have to do the long-distance thing that tore so many couples apart. “He wants to be an engineer.”

“Lots of math,” Dad says. “Business is where things are at right now.” He excuses himself to fill up his glass. He doesn’t offer to fill up Theo’s.

“Why California?” Mama asks. “It’s so far away.”

Theo shrugs. “My parents don’t really care too much about where I go as long as I’m gone.” Part of Nico thinks that Theo just wants to move out to California for attention, but he’s not going to say that. Someone needs to believe in Theo, and that’s going to be Nico. “Besides, California is pretty cool.”

“They have a lot of good colleges around here, too,” Dad says. Nico knows this part is directed at him. They’ve talked about college a little, before Theo came along, when Bianca was looking at colleges. Nico had always wanted to stay close to home, wanted to be able to visit his family. But now, he’s thinking that maybe some distance will be okay. “A few of them have pretty good engineering programs, too.”

“But they don’t have the same feeling, you know? California is more laid back and hopping.” Nico’s not sure about that, but he goes along with it. He thinks his hometown is pretty laid back. No one really harassed him when he came out, but then he’d also been friends with Will. And everyone liked Will.

And now he had Theo.

“I think California will be really cool,” Nico says. “There are a lot of places to intern there, too.” He hasn’t done a lot of research about California and its schools, but he trusts Theo.

The rest of the conversation is just as strained, and Nico excuses them before Mama tells him to wrap this up. He takes Theo to his bedroom even though he’s not technically allowed to have boys in his room. He also shuts his door. Theo grins.

“Hey, baby,” Theo purrs. He pulls Nico close, kissing him hard. Everything Theo did seemed to be with purpose. He kissed Nico like he meant it, and he didn’t let go. His fingers dug into Nico’s sides, anchoring him to the spot. Nico moves his hands up to Theo’s shoulders. He lets Theo lead.

Tonight, they French kiss. It’s still a little gross to Nico, but he likes it better with Theo than with Gage. Or any of the other guys he’s kissed like that. Theo doesn’t give him much warning, but his tongue is quick and silky. Sometimes when they kiss, Theo plays with Nico’s hair. That’s when he melts.

But tonight isn’t one of those nights. Tonight, Theo just takes, and Nico lets him. Because his parents were being rude to him, and Theo doesn’t really have parents to introduce Nico to. He’s been to Theo’s house before, but no one’s ever home. His dad was an alcoholic, and his worked late hours. Which means that Theo had to practically raise himself. But no one ever seemed to care about that.

When Theo’s hand slides down Nico’s back, Nico pulls back. “Not tonight,” he says. “I’m not ready yet.” Theo nods, though his eyes are full of lust. Nico crawls onto the bed, patting the space beside him. “Wanna watch a movie or something?”

“I just want to kiss you,” Theo says. “All over.” Nico lets him pull off his shirt, but that’s as far as they get. He wants to pull off Theo’s shirt, too, but Theo stops him. Nico nods. Maybe Theo isn’t ready to be that vulnerable. Nico can wait.  
-  
Nico sighs when he opens his locker. He’s been avoiding it, using Theo’s instead.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Theo asks. Nico doesn’t like it when Theo calls him that, but he lets it slide. He can’t think of any other name he’d like to be called.

“Will keeps leaving me these notes,” Nico says. He picks up a handful from the past week. They’re sticky notes of various colors, all saying pretty much the same thing. Apologies for different things. One for being too clingy, another for fighting, another for not giving Nico what he needed, another for not supporting him.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” Theo asks. “I can tell him to leave you alone.”

“No, it’s fine. They’re just notes. Harmless.” Theo’s kissing down his neck, and it’s making it hard to focus. The notes are annoying, but they don’t elicit much emotion from him. They’re just written in awful handwriting from an awful person. Nico chucks them in the trash can.

“It’s just the notes, though, right?” Theo asks. “Like he’s not still forcing himself onto you, right?”

“No, no,” Nico says. The way Theo phrases it makes it sound like Will had been taking advantage of him. Which in a way he was, but not like that. But still. Thinking of Will made Nico feel so conflicted. He wasn’t sure why when it was so obvious that Will was just using him. Maybe it’s just hard for him to let go of his childhood.

“C’mon, baby. Let’s have some fun.” It’s a Friday, so Theo takes Nico to the ice rink. They skate around, holding hands. Nico’s gotten a lot better at this since he first started. Will was always too scared to go ice skating, so he’d never gone. (He hadn’t wanted to go without Will.) But he realizes how much he was missing out. He makes wobbly circles around Theo as Theo grins at him.

“You’re so graceful,” Theo says. “Like a ballerina.” He puts his hands on Nico’s hips, a place they always end up. They skate around until Nico’s face is too cold, and Theo’s fingers are going numb.

Theo takes them through the McDonald’s drive-thru, and they head to a park to eat. Theo pulls out a blanket from the trunk, and they lay down next to each other. They feed each other French fries and kiss. Nico thinks he’s really getting the hang of making out. It’s almost intoxicating, like a drug.

They wrap up in the blanket, their bodies lined up from head to toe. Theo’s given Nico his jacket, and he’s got his hands underneath Nico’s shirt. “I should take you home,” Theo says. Nico’s relieved when Theo moves his hands away, but he doesn’t want to go home. It’s well past his curfew.

“Come on, Nico,” Theo says. He’s not much of a night person, always getting grumpy when he has to take Nico home late. Nico’s not sure if it’s because he doesn’t want to face Nico’s parents or because he’s actually just grumpy. Or because Nico’s being too clingy. The thought gets him off the blanket.

“I was thinking I should probably get rid of Will’s things,” Nico says once they’re in the car. “All of the stuff he left over at my house.”

Theo nods. “I could help you.”

Nico smiles. They sneak into Nico’s room, though he doubts his parents are awake. They’ve taken to waiting until the morning to reprimand him, knowing it’s no use to wait up for him. Nico will just stay out later and later. Nico flips on his light, finding a tub in his closet.

He starts in his closet, finding some of Will’s clothes in there, stuff that probably won’t fit either of them anymore. He finds some of Will’s keychains, a stuffed animal, a snow globe. He hadn’t realized how much of Will’s stuff he had. The box is almost full by the time Nico’s finished looking through his room.“Could you take this to him?” Nico asks. He can’t look Will in the eyes anymore, and he doesn’t want to explain his absences to Will’s mom.

“Sure thing, baby.” He smiles, kissing Nico a few times more before leaving. Nico sighs, falling back on his bed. He feels so tired right now. He thinks about sneaking downstairs to watch some TV, but the idea isn’t all that appealing. Instead, he gets ready for bed, crawls under the covers, and goes to sleep.  
-  
They hang out together for the entirety of spring break. It’s almost a little overwhelming to be with Theo constantly, but Nico thinks he should get used to it. If they’re going to college together, this is what it’s going to be like. And then if they live together, even more so.

He remembers how he and Will always used to spend spring break. They’d go swimming or ride bikes. They once built the treehouse with their siblings. Spring breaks were always family matters. When Nico’s family decided to go to the beach one year, they invited Will’s family along. When Will’s family decided to go to the amusement park, they invited Nico’s family along. It was just how things were.

But, now, spring break is filled with nothing but Theo. Bianca had been home the week before, and she made a point that she was not going to hang out with Theo. It rubbed Nico a little wrong, but he understood that his sister was super stubborn and wouldn’t cave. So he divided his week so that he could spend time with both evenly.

“We should go on the rollercoasters,” Theo’s saying now. They’re at the amusement park because that’s the kind of dates they go on. Either Theo plans something out or it’s spontaneous. Nico’s glad Theo takes care of it, though, because he’s pretty bad at planning dates.

“How about that one?” Nico asks, pointing to one that goes upside down. Theo grins. The last date Nico had planned ended up not so great. He’d proposed that they ride bikes through the park. It was something he and Will used to do, and it was something he missed from their friendship. He tried to ride his bike alone, but it wasn’t much fun.

“Yeah, and that one, too,” Theo says, pointing at one that Nico has to crane his neck to see. The only problem with the date was that Theo wasn’t all that good at riding bikes, and he made that known to Nico the whole way. He wasn’t going to outright say it sucked, but he thought it sucked. After that, Nico just let Theo choose their dates. Even if Nico wasn’t really a fan of heights.

They get their tickets and weave their way through the crowds, settling into the lines. They don’t really talk much while they wait. Nico can’t think of too much to say when they’ve already spent the entire week together. Today is Saturday which meant that they’d be heading back to school on Monday. (Nico doesn’t think he’s ever had this problem with Will before. If silence fell, it was okay.)

“Do you want to do one of those carnival games?” Nico asks. They’re about halfway through the line now, getting closer every ten minutes or so.

“Sure, you want a prize?” Theo grins. “I could totally get you a prize.”

Nico smiles. He’s always wanted one of those big plush animals, but he’s not sure what he would do with it. For the rest of the wait, he looks at all of the prizes, deciding what he wants. He settles on a decent-sized giraffe plush. Then it’s their turn to get into a cart. They strap themselves in. Theo raises his hands as they get to the top, grabbing Nico’s, too.

And then Nico screams as they race down the track. He’s never been a fan of rollercoasters, but Will used to love them. So he’d ride all of the smaller ones with Will and let Will’s siblings or Bianca go on the big ones. This is his first time going upside-down on one. He’s not sure he likes it.

“Fun, right?” Theo says. “I can’t believe you’ve never been on that one, baby.” He kisses Nico’s cheek, and Nico feels proud of himself. He did just go on that big rollercoaster. It was a little fun.

They go on a few more before Nico starts getting dizzy from all of the motion. They eat lunch at a Panda Express parked by some of the carnival games. Nico only eats half of his lunch, not wanting to throw up later. That would be embarrassing.

“We should let our food settle a little,” he says as Theo heads for one of the rides.

“The line’s long enough it’ll probably work,” Theo says. “But if you want to get your prize first, we can do that,” he adds. Nico nods, heading over to the booth that has the giraffe. It’s a ring toss game. Nico’s sure with his athletic ability, Theo can manage this pretty easily. Still, it takes about four tries, and then Nico’s walking away with his giraffe.

“You don’t want one of those big bears? Or the bananas?” Theo asks as they get into the line. Nico shakes his head. He’s thought about this long and hard. Giraffes are one of his favorite animals. They’re tall and graceful and slap each other with their necks when they fight.

After a few more rides, Nico thinks he’s about to fall asleep on his giraffe. He’s wrapped his arms around it, and Theo smiles at him. “You’re cute when you’re sleepy.” Nico hums, climbing into Theo’s car. The drive to his house is quiet, with Nico listening to the radio and the sound of Theo humming along. He’s a little tone-deaf, but Nico thinks that that adds a little character to him.

“Goodnight, baby,” Theo says. He kisses Nico’s lips before heading back down the driveway. Nico feels a little lost. He kind of wishes he could invite Theo into his house so that they could cuddle on the couch or in his bed before he has to fall asleep. But his family doesn’t like Theo, so Theo isn’t welcome into the house after ten.  
-  
The week after spring break brings more surprises. Posters advertising prom start appearing in the hallways, and Nico can’t help but want to go. It’s supposed to be one of those cliché high school memories, but Nico wants to be apart of that. He hasn’t really made a lot of high school memories, and even though high school is just a transition, he wants to do something fun with it.

“You want to go to prom?” Theo asks. He doesn’t quite sound as on board as Nico thought he would.

“Yeah. I think it’d be fun. We don’t have to go the whole time. Just a few hours or so.” He really wants Theo to say yes. He’s imagined going to prom ever since he and Will were little kids and had only heard about it through their siblings and parents. It sounded both magical and cheesy, and that was something Nico wanted to do before he went to college and the real world began.

“Maybe. It’s really expensive, you know.” Nico shrugs. He had money. And it wasn’t like Theo didn’t have money. He insisted on paying for all of their dates even though Nico could pay for at least half of them. And this was something Nico wanted.

“I can pay. And you don’t even have to wear a tux. You could just wear a suit if you wanted,” Nico says. He’s going to wear a tux, though.

“I don’t know, baby,” Theo says, and Nico feels himself droop. “I’ll have to think about it. I really need to start saving up for college.”

This was something Theo had been saying for a few weeks now, but it never seemed like he was actually doing it. He would take Nico on dates that must cost a lot of money and not even seem to care. And then Nico would suggest something, and Theo would say that it was expensive and he was saving up.

“I’m serious about paying. I know the tickets are a lot, so I’ll pay for those. And my tux. You just have to get your own outfit,” Nico pushes. He and Theo haven’t really fought before. They were both stubborn, so sometimes they butted heads a bit. But they had never really fought.

“I’m thinking about it, Nico,” Theo says. End of discussion is what it meant. Nico nods. He doesn’t sigh until Theo’s walking down the hall. He heads to his locker to get some of his things, surprised to find no new sticky notes from Will. He hopes that Will’s moved on, being a better friend to someone else. (He misses Will, but he knows that their friendship was flawed. And he’s got Theo now.)

Two weeks later, Theo prom-poses to Nico. He’s holding a large poster board that he’s written out the word PROM on. Nico had been hoping for something more fancy or flashy, but he’ll take it. They’re going to prom.

The weeks between then and prom drone by. Nico’s pushing his nose into the books so that he has really good chances of getting into college. He needs to bring up his GPA just a little bit which means pulling up just a few B’s to A’s. He’s not sure how Theo’s doing since they both decided that they study better on their own. They’d tried studying together, but their studying methods were too different for them to collaborate. Plus, they were taking a few different classes.

But prom night eventually comes, and Nico’s tuxedo is hanging up on his closet. He takes a shower, doing his hair before he gets dressed. Bianca’s home now, so she helps him get ready, smoothing out his jacket and rolling a lint roller over his back.

“You’re handsome,” she says, smiling. “Do you know if Will’s going?”

Nico shrugs. “Probably. You know how he loves dances.” Bianca smiles at this, and Nico’s glad he can still do that. Make her smile.

“Yeah,” she says. “If he’s there, you have to promise me that you’re going to talk to him. At least say hi, okay?”

Nico sighs. “Yes. Okay. I will.” Bianca smiles again, smoothing out his shoulders again.

“Have fun, Nico.” She hands him the corsage. Nico doubts Theo will wear it, but he doesn’t mind wearing it. He secretly loves these little details, how both formal and informal it is. He remembers Bianca on her prom night, how she got so flustered, she almost forgot wear her dress to the dance. She’d gone with a group of friends who had all rented a limo.

Theo arrives to pick Nico up fashionably late. He’s wearing a tux as well, a flower tucked into his pocket. “Ready, baby?” he asks. Nico nods. He’s got the corsage around his wrist, and he’s careful not to crush it as he gets into Theo’s car.

The theme of prom this year is A Night to Remember, so there are photographs from the yearbook plastered everywhere. Nico finds himself in a few of them. Some he’s with Will, and some he’s with Theo. He makes a note to grab some of these before the night is over.

“I like the decorations,” Theo says. There are Christmas lights strung up around the room, and there are little teacup candles on the table. The food is chicken nuggets, cookies, and lemonade. He drags Theo out to the dance floor.

“You know I don’t dance,” Theo says.

Nico rolls his eyes. “I don’t either. But it’s prom.”

Theo shrugs. Nico can tell he doesn’t understand the magic, but it means a lot that Theo came. Nico wasn’t going to go alone, and it wasn’t like he had a lot of friends to go with. He dances, a little awkwardly without Theo, for a few songs. When a slow song comes up, Theo gets more into it, grabbing Nico’s hands and pulling them closer. Nico smiles, resting his head on Theo’s shoulder.

The night isn’t quite like Nico imagined, but it’s close. He thinks that maybe his senior prom will be better. After the crowning of the king and queen, they decide to sneak out. Nico grabs the photos he wants, shoving them in his pocket.

They head to Theo’s house, knowing the rule at Nico’s. Nico takes off his jacket to lay in Theo’s bed. His room isn’t much, but it smells like him. And there are posters on the walls of famous people. They can hear Theo’s mom getting ready for bed. His dad isn’t home, probably drunk somewhere on the street or in a bar right now. Theo’s mom hadn’t said much more than hi when Nico showed up. She’d smiled and given an awkward wave. Then she’d headed down the hall.

“She doesn’t say much,” Theo says. “She’s always too tired for conversation. Which I totally get. Working crazy shifts like she does, doesn’t really leave a lot of room for a social life.”

Nico wonders how Theo could possibly have made it this far without going crazy. He’d have for sure. He can’t imagine his life without his mom and dad and sister. Or even what few friends he had growing up. Will’s family had always felt like extended family, but now they felt almost like estranged family. He’s barely seen them since breaking off his friendship with Will.

“But she’s nice to you, right?” Nico asks.

“Oh, yeah,” Theo says. “She pretty much lets me do what I want. She hardly ever punishes me unless I do something really stupid. Like the time I tried to drive her car when I was twelve.”

Nico nods, though that wasn’t quite what he meant. He’s pretty sure that Theo’s never gone on mother-son bonding trips or gone fishing with his dad. And he doesn’t have any siblings to drive him around or talk to him late at night when he can’t sleep. (Bianca still did this as long as he didn’t talk about Theo.)

When it’s around two or three in the morning, Theo drives Nico back to his house. He kisses Nico on the cheek, smiling before heading away. Nico walks quietly upstairs, pulling the photos out of his pocket. He’s not sure why he misses Will so much. Maybe it’s because he didn’t just lose Will. He also lost Will’s siblings and his parents.

He’s thought about trying to rekindle his friendship with Will, but he’s not sure it would work. Has Will changed? Would Nico even realize the signs of an unhealthy friendship? He knows Theo wouldn’t like it if he was friends with Will again, but Theo didn’t control Nico’s life. Nico did.

Nico sighs, shoving the photos of Will into his nightstand. He’s only got one more year of high school anyway. And then they’d be going their separate ways. Nico sighs again. Maybe Will’s going to be his weak spot, but he can toughen up, not let it get to him. He and Will are better without each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last update until I get back from vacation :)


	8. hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting worse.
> 
> (Will's POV)
> 
> PLEASE read the warnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: implied/referenced suicide attempt, self-harm, depressive thoughts, mention of anxiety and panic attacks, non-con touching/assault, bullying
> 
> If you are uncomfortable with reading any of these things, please stop reading at "'I'd love that, Mama.'" to the end. Please let me know if I need to tag anything else!!
> 
> Seriously, this chapter isn't that much fun, but it's the worst of what I've got planned.

The days are running together, Will thinks. It’s not like he’s doing much to distinguish them. He goes to his therapy appointments every other week. He writes his letters. Sometimes, they’re a paragraph. Other times, they’re four pages. He handwrites all of them because it feels more natural this way. The only thing he regrets (feels guilty about) is that he’s writing them to Nico. Because Nico is the person he trusts the most, the one who he’d tell all of these things to without a single filter.

He’s not sure if that means there’s something wrong with him or that he just isn’t moving through therapy as quickly as he should be. He’s outlasted his monthly subscription, os he supposes that he’s now a member of sorts. After all, it’s been three months.

Studying for exams is relieving in a way because it means he can solely focus on something. His mind has been wandering a lot lately, though it’s not like he’s really thinking of anything. He’s stopped writing those apologies to Nico. Dr. Friedman says that if Nico wants to forgive Will, he’ll have to do so on his own terms now. (Will’s pretty sure it’s just a really nice way of saying that Nico’s never going to forgive Will for being a bad friend.)

Will passes all of his exams with flying colors, acing all of his classes. It’s not like he’s had much else to do. He’s dropped out of most of the clubs because no one really wants to be seen with him. He’s only in the National Honor Society and the Beta club because he can just collect community service hours. (He volunteers at the community garden: weeding, pruning, watering, etc.. Just him and the plants.)

For his birthday, Mama gives him a jade plant. It sits on his desk where it gets a lot of sun. Right now, it has four cute little leaves, and Will’s proud to mention that he sees two more starting to grow. He plays music for it and talks to it sometimes when his mind is too full of disconnecting thoughts. He read somewhere that talking to plants and playing music helps them grow.

“Hey, Will, did you want to go to the pool?” Michael asks. Everyone’s home for the summer, and there are no travel plans. Which means that there are seven people trapped in one house because there are only three cars in the family. Dad’s currently at work, and Mama’s just gotten home from a half-day. “Kayla and Austin are going. Lee’s visiting his girlfriend.”

Will smiles at that. Lee found someone at college this past year, a girl who coincidentally only lives a town over. Her name is Bethany, and Will thinks she’s pretty. He’s never actually met her, but he knows that they’re having a family dinner at the end of this month to meet her. (He’s kind of excited. Although, it does make him wonder if they’d have a family meeting if he and Nico had started dating. Since Nico was pretty much already a part of the family.)

“Sure,” Will says. He doesn’t really feel like going out, but he needs to. He hasn’t been outside in a week, and he feels really sluggish.

“You don’t have to get in or anything. Or even swim around. But you need some sun,” Michael says, appearing in his doorway. He tosses Will a towel. Will changes into his swimsuit and grabs a white shirt. He’s paler than he was a year ago, so his freckles stand out. He’ll have to use more sunscreen than he normally does. Most summers, the job was getting him to come back inside.

Michael drives, the windows down, music blasting. Will knows Mama’s hoping that Michael will decide to travel or something. This town’s too small for someone like Michael. As if to prove her point, Michael leans out the window and yells.

“Can you not do that?” Kayla asks. “It’s embarrassing.” She’s just painted her nails some weird lime green color yesterday, and now she’s trying to figure out if she wants to repaint them or not. She’s the only girl in the house (besides Mama), and sometimes Will forgets that she also enjoys “girl” things, too.

The pool isn’t that crowded considering that it’s the afternoon, but it’s also a Wednesday afternoon. They take up a whole row of chairs, laying out their towels. Austin tries to cannonball into the deep end, but a lifeguard stops him. Instead, he has to settle for jumping the regular way.

Will’s still debating whether or not he wants to get in. He’s applied his sunscreen, but he can’t help the nagging feeling that he’s going to get sunburned. And he’s not sure he wants to show off his now pale chest. There are a few other kids here and some parents. One girl is sunbathing underneath an umbrella.

“C’mon, Will!” Austin calls. He’s got a water gun now, and he’s attempting to chase Michael around the pool. Kayla’s swimming laps at the far end of the pool. Will sits down on the stairs. Here, the water’s pretty warm, so he slides in another few steps. He stops when the water reaches his shoulders.

“Here, Will,” Michael says. He hands Will an orange water gun, squirting his shoulder. “Don’t tell Austin, but get him when he comes by.” He winks like they shared some secret before diving under the water. Will can see Austin at the other end of the pool, looking around for Michael.

Will leans back, enjoying the way that the water makes him feel lighter. He’s always liked being in the water. It was relaxing and calming. On the nights when he can’t sleep (and writing letters and talking to his jade plant aren’t working), he’ll fill up the bathtub and soak. Then he’ll climb into bed with pruny fingers and wet hair and fall asleep.

He hears laughter, and he focuses on where he’s at. He sees Austin sneaking around the edge of the pool, trying to sneak up on Michael. Will grins. He pulls out his water gun and gets Austin right in the forehead. Austin squeals, shooting Will. But Will’s ready, and he dodges, the blast only hitting his shoulders.

“Traitor!” Austin yells as he attempts to catch Will. He’s surprised by Michael coming up from under the water and tossing him into the air. They get scolded by an older lady who’s trying to tan.

After that, Will goes back to soaking on the steps. He has to grab a bottle of water from the vending machine when his fingers get too pruny.

“Hey, Mama called to say that we should go pick up the pizza,” Kayla says. Will hadn’t noticed her tapping away on her phone. Will isn’t even sure where his phone is. He used to keep it on him so that he knew exactly when Nico texted or called him. Now, he wasn’t sure if Nico ever was.

They all climb back into the car, wet and smelling of chlorine. Kayla has to hold the pizza because she called the passenger seat, and Will’s glad. He doesn’t like the smell the greasy cardboard. But he’s definitely hungry by the time they get home. Which is a welcome change.

The last month of school or so, Will had taken to skipping lunch. At first, he’d been so hungry. But now he hardly noticed that he wasn’t eating three meals a day. (Well, he kind of was. He sometimes had a snack when he got home.)

Mama smiles at him when he picks up his second slice. He knows she’s worried about him, that they’re all worried about him. But he keeps telling himself that he’s going to get better. For them, for Nico, for himself. That’s his goal.

After pizza, they all cram together in the living room to watch movies. It’s one of their many Disney movies that they have, but Will hardly watches it. He feels tired from the swimming, from the sun, full from eating the pizza. He lays his head against the armrest.

“You okay, Will?” Dad asks. Will hums.

“Just sleepy.” When he was little, he used to have this idea that the sun literally gave life. That if he stayed out in the sun enough, he would gain energy. (And that his freckles were little pockets of energy.) Now, he’s pretty sure the sun sucked out energy. Because he feels so tired right now, and it’s only eight-thirty.

“You’re welcome to head up to bed,” Mama says. Will shrugs. If he goes upstairs, he’ll feel lonely. So he wants to stay down here where everyone is. Half an hour later, he hears Kayla yawn, her head falling against his shoulder. By the time Lee gets home, Will’s barely awake, but he’s pretty sure Michael and Dad are the only ones still watching the movie.

Later, in his room, he pulls out another piece of paper. Dear Nico, it starts, just like all the others. He pauses before he starts writing, thinking about where he left off in his last letter, what he wants to tell Nico this time. He pretends that they’re having a conversation, and that usually makes his writing flow more easily.

He thinks that if he were really talking to Nico, he wouldn’t have to talk about these things. Because Nico would have been there. But he isn’t. So Will writes these letters that he’s never going to send. Because he has to tell someone. Or else he might just break.  
-  
Senior year isn’t what Will’s expecting. He’d been expecting to take fun classes with Nico, go on a spring break road trip (they had it all planned out once upon a time), go to the senior prom. They’d had so many plans, and now Will had to work at just making it through the day.

He now kept his head down, not making eye contact. He hated it when someone brushed up against him, even on accident, because he thought that they might push him over or shove him into a locker. He was finding it hard to speak to people, even teachers, because he was afraid he’d say the wrong thing. He hated asking questions in class now, didn’t like presenting projects. He just wanted to disappear.

Dad had brought up the idea of transferring, but that seemed a lot like backing down and giving up to Will. This was his senior year, and he couldn’t just leave. He liked his teachers and his classes. In one year, he wouldn’t have to see any of his peers ever again. He’d be at college where he could start anew. No one would know him as Nico’s ex-friend. No one would tease him about being gay or how Nico ditched him for a better guy. He wouldn’t have to worry about being shoved into lockers or closets or having his lunch stolen just for kicks. Or the worried glances teachers now gave him.

He knew his parents were getting more worried now. Will wasn’t talking as much at home. He’d hole himself up in his and Austin’s room, hardly noticing if Austin’s music was too loud now. (It always was. Now Kayla was the one complaining.)

“Is everything okay at home?” the nurse asks. Someone had tripped him (or maybe he’d just misstepped), and he’d scraped his hands and knees. “You’re in here an awful lot now.”

“Home’s fine,” Will says. Home was the only place he felt safe now. He could sit on the couch or eat in the kitchen without having to worry about people talking behind his back. He knows there are other kids being bullied; it’s not just him. But that hardly makes him feel any better.

“Are you getting into fights?” Will shakes his head.

“Just tripped. Growth spurt.” It’s half true. He did trip. But he hasn’t grown much since last year. And the doctor said he probably would only grow another inch or so if any.

The doctor was something new. Besides going to his annual check-ups, he now went to see the doctor for medications. First, anxiety medication. Because just the other week Will had had an anxiety attack walking down the hall, and he’s had a few since. (He’s pretty sure that didn’t help his reputation for being a weak freak.) He’s still adjusting to the medicine, so he’s been moody lately. Fluctuating between being sad or nervous to being frustrated or numb. He hopes it mellows out soon because the mood swings are tiring, and he hates when the worry hits him out of nowhere.

Second, they’re talking about anti-depressants as well. But they’re waiting to see if the anxiety medication does anything. So far, Will’s supposed to be keeping a feelings journal. He’s mostly been drawing in frowny faces, though he’s not sure if that’s because of the medicine or because he dreads going to school.

“I’m proud of you, you know,” Mama says one night after Will’s submitted all of his college applications. He’s applied early in hopes that he’ll get good news sooner rather than later. College is one of the few things he’s still excited about. “You’re working so hard, and you’ve accomplished so much.” She kisses his forehead, smoothing back his hair.

“I know,” Will says. He leans onto her shoulder. He likes just sitting with his mom. It’s comforting in the same way it was when he was a child. “I just wish things were different, you know?”

Mama nods. “Me, too, sweetie. But we’re going to make it through this. You’re so strong, Will. And we’re here to help you.” Will nods. He knows. He can’t imagine what he’d do without them. Nowadays, he realizes that he used to take his family for granted. But now he really appreciates everything they do.

Like dragging him to the grocery store just so he gets out of the house or helping him with his homework. Kayla walks into school with him, smiling at him whenever they pass in the hallways. Austin’s installed a night light in their room since Will’s now a little afraid of the dark. Lee sends funny postcards when he can. And Michael surprised Will with ice cream the other day and made Will cry he was so happy.

“Do you want to help me in the bakery tomorrow?” Mama asks. Will nods. He’s always loved going to the bakery when he was smaller. He liked coming home smelling of cinnamon and sugar. He liked the feeling of dough in his hands, the smell of freshly-baked muffins.

Mama has to go in super early to prepare everything that they need for the day. Will’s yawning, rubbing his eyes, but he’s excited. It’s been a while since he’s helped in the store, and he’s ready to just fall into something again. Mama sets him to make three batches of blueberry muffins. Will makes sure to follow the recipe exactly, even noting the little penciled in notes in the margins.

“Smells good in here,” Mama says when he pops them into the oven. Will smiles, washing his hands again. Then he starts to clean up his area. Mama’s turned on the radio, and Will hums along to the music. He feels lighter than he has a long time, and he hopes it’s partially because the medicine is finally working. (He’d had another anxiety attack two nights ago at the thought of having over a semester left of school.)

Will helps her set up the display case, cutting fresh rectangles of parchment paper to set the baked goodies on. Then he sets the muffins and scones and cookies into the designated trays. The order relaxes him and the familiarity. An early customer comes in just ten minutes after Mama flips over the OPEN sign. Will manages to ring up her order and give her correct change without messing up.

The morning progresses slowly, but Will doesn’t mind. He makes himself a cup of hot chocolate and his mom a cup of coffee. Then he helps himself to a blueberry muffin. They taste just like his mom’s.

At lunchtime, someone comes in to start their shift. Mama takes Will to an outdoor cafe, and they order turkey sandwiches and club soda and watch the Saturday morning traffic go by. They talk about everything but Nico and school and it feels good to just enjoy life again.

“We should do this more often,” Mama says. “I’ve missed having you kids in the store.”

Will smiles. “Remember that time Lee left those footprints everywhere?” Mama laughs, sighing. Lee had spilled a bag of flour and had left a trail through the entire store as he tried to find the mop to clean it up. “Or the time Kayla brought in that stray cat.”

“That was a disaster. I’m surprised the health inspector didn’t walk in right then and there,” Mama says. They’d had to give the cat away to the shelter that afternoon, but apparently, it was adopted. Lee had gone to check on it, wondering if he could somehow adopt it without their mom noticing, but it was gone.

“How about every month? Or every other week?” Will asks, going back to the first part of the conversation. He thinks life would be easier if he had something to look forward to.

Mama smiles, nodding. “I think we can work that out. If you don’t mind losing a few hours of sleep here and there.” Will shrugs. They both know that he’s been having a hard time sleeping lately. Sometimes it’s that he thinks he’s trapped back in that closet. Other times he can’t seem to fall asleep. Some nights a bath helps. Other nights, he has to take his jade plant to the back porch and write letters. Usually, Mama or Austin come to get him if he stays up for longer than a few hours.

“If you want, I think I could even pay you a little. Make some money for college.”

“I’d love that, Mama.” Will smiles.  
-  
Life isn’t always perfect, Will thinks. But it could be a lot better. The weather’s turned cold abruptly, and that always makes him a bit more under the weather. He thinks he’s getting a cold, but it’s hard to tell. He’s not too worried about it, though. Because a cold would mean that he could stay at home and miss school.

“Hey, Will,” comes a male voice. Will turns, surprised. He can’t remember the last time someone talked to him because they wanted to. “I was wondering if you could help me with some math homework. I don’t really get it.” Will remembers him vaguely from his math class. His name might be Patrick?

“Um, sure,” Will says.

“Can you help right now? Just a few minutes.” It’s Will’s lunch period, so he nods. He grabs his bag lunch and follows the boy to an empty classroom. He’s about to sit down when he realizes that they aren’t alone. Peter, Octavian, and Bryce are all grinning at him.

“Thanks, Patrick,” Bryce says. He hands Patrick what looks like money before Patrick leaves. He doesn’t look at Will as he does. He shuts the door. Will tries to leave, too, but hands grab his wrists.

“We’ve missed talking to you, Will,” Octavian says. “It’s been so long, you know.”

Will supposes that they’ve been lonely. He knows that Theo doesn’t hang out with them anymore. Theo’s always with Nico. (He sees them everywhere, even though it seems like Nico’s developed some way of never seeing Will. It’s like he looks right through him now.)

“We just want to talk,” Peter says. He runs a hand through Will’s hair, patting it like Will’s a dog. “Like, have you figured out the whole gay thing yet? We only want to help.”

Will’s starting to get that panicky feeling he gets whenever he’s about to have an anxiety attack. Someone’s hand moves to his shoulders. Whoever’s holding his wrist is strong, and Will’s arms are starting to hurt from the awkward angle.

“Don’t touch me,” Will says, squirming as someone’s hand plays with the hem of his sweater. He’s being pinned to the seat, his arms behind his back. He’s pretty sure this counts as assault, but he can’t find his voice to call out. Peter leans forward, kissing him, effectively cutting off Will’s main source of oxygen.

“Not a great kisser. You’re going to have to work on that,” Peter says, pulling back. Will wants to wipe his mouth, wash it out. Peter kisses him again. His hands play with Will’s shirt, dipping underneath the hem to brush against Will’s stomach. Will tries to kick him, but he only manages to get Bryce.

“Do you like that, Willy?” Bryce asks. “I think he likes that, Peter. He’s blushing.” Peter kisses down Will’s neck, leaving a trail of spit as he goes. Will tries to move, but all he can do is buck his hips. Peter’s eyes widen.

“I think he does,” he says. “Shall we?”

“Leave me alone!” Will screams. They seem surprised by his outburst, but they don’t pull back.

“Maybe later, then,” Peter says. “I don’t do sex on a first date.”

Will’s not sure how long they take turns kissing and touching him. They never go past his waistband, but it still feels invasive. Will’s trying so hard not to cry or panic, but he’s not doing too well with either. They’ve started teasing him about how he’s tearing up. They don’t stop until the bell rings.

“See you later, Willy,” Peter calls. He blows Will a kiss. Will wants to throw up.

Luckily, no one is using this classroom after lunch. Maybe they planned it that way. He waits until the crowd in the hall is gone. Then he runs to the bathroom where he retches over the toilet. He never ate lunch, and his breakfast is already digested. He can’t get the taste of their lips out of his mouth, something like fruit or smoke. He retches again, resting his forehead on the grimy toilet.

“Michael?” Will calls. He knows Mama doesn’t have the car this morning, and he doesn’t want to call his dad. And Lee’s at school. So Michael is his only option.

“Will, I’m on my way to class,” Michael says.

“Can you come get me?” Will asks. His voice is rough, and his eyes sting. He still feels sick.

“Will, what happened? Don’t tell me those jerks beat you up again?” Will shakes his head before remembering that he’s on the phone. “Will, please talk to me.”

“Just take me home. I’m hiding in the bathroom.” The last part comes out as a whine, and he hears Michael swear.

“Hang on, Will. I’m about twenty minutes away.”

Michael does come, though Will’s not sure how he got into the school. (Not that high schools are all that hard to get into.) He swears again when he sees Will hunched over the toilet. Then he helps Will to his feet, helping him to the car. He doesn’t ask Will what happened, knowing that Will needs time to process what happened before he can talk about it. (He doesn’t think he ever wants to kiss someone again. Maybe he’s not gay. He definitely didn’t like that. Or maybe he’s asexual. Or maybe he’s just broken.)

He doesn’t remember getting home, but he is. Because he’s laying on the couch, a blanket over him, the TV on. Michael’s on the phone with what sounds like Mama.

“He’s pretty bad, Mama. Not speaking. I don’t know what happened.” Will zones out for the rest of the conversation. He forces himself to get up, moving towards the bathroom. Michael’s still in the kitchen. No one else is home.

He starts the bath, stripping. He just wants to wash himself clean. He gets into the tub, scrubbing himself with the loofah he’d treated himself to the last time he went shopping. He uses the scented soap, washing his hair twice. Then he drains the tub and fills it back up again with fresh water. He lays back, closing his eyes.

His stomach is still churning uncomfortably, and he just wants to know how to rid himself of this uncomfortable feeling. It’s like his skin itches, but the itch isn’t on the outside. Except, he isn’t itchy. He’s hurting. In pain. He traces the old bruises on his arm, the scrapes on his knees. He looks like the kind of kid who would get beaten up. Thin but somehow a little pudgy. He tries to smile, but it looks weird to him.

He spots Kayla’s razor on the counter. (They all share the same bathroom. Nice perk of having four siblings and only three bathrooms in the house.) He picks it up, examining it. He shaves his face every week, not liking the feeling of stubble. He wonders how it’d be to shave his leg.

Slowly, he reaches down to his calf, drawing it out of the water so he can see it better. He practices the smooth strokes in the air before trying it on himself. He yelps. His hands are shaking, and he’s managed to cut himself. It hurts worse than it does on his face because he forgot to put something on his leg before he shaved it. It’s bleeding a little bit, and Will looks at it.

The pain fades after a bit, and Will feels empty again. Barely having time to think, he draws the blade over his wrists. The pain is sharp and surprising, but it’s relief to feeling nothing. In a way, it’s like drawing the emotional pain out, making it something tangible.

Will’s startled when there’s a knock on the door. “Will? May I come in?” It’s Mama, and she sounds worried. “Will, please answer.”

“Mama,” Will calls. His voice is so close to breaking, and only now does he realize that he’s now got three gashes on his wrist. He drops the razor, draining the tub. He grabs his towel, pulling it around himself as Mama opens the door. He expects her to be horrified, but she’s not. Her face softens as she quickly pulls him to her, hugging him.

“Oh, Will, sweetie,” she breathes. He didn’t realize he was crying, but he must be. He tastes salt, and his nose is starting to run. With the door open, the mirror’s starting to un-fog. Will clings to his mom. After a while, she pulls back. “We need to clean those,” she says. She takes his wrist, washing and then putting some cream on them. She lets Will pick out the bandaid.

“And my leg,” he says. Mama just nods.

“I’m going to let you get dressed,” she says. “But then I want you in the living room, okay?” Will nods. He quickly gets dressed, dragging himself to the couch. Mama’s reading a book on the couch. He curls up against her, just needing some physical comfort.

He feels like crying again, but tears won’t come. He feels himself numbing again. He hates this feeling.

“Talk to me, sweetie. It doesn’t even have to be about today.”

So Will does. He tells her about when he and Nico were younger and once played chicken on their bikes. He tells her about how Lee was the one who took the fifty dollars from the emergency stash. He tells her that he once stuck a chopstick up his nose on a dare. (It’d hurt.)

And then he starts talking about today somehow, all of it just gushing out. Again he expects Mama to be disgusted by him. He’s disgusted by himself. But she isn’t. She just hugs him harder, kisses his forehead. She rubs his back, proposing that they do something fun tomorrow.

“Will, I’m going to schedule you another doctor’s appointment,” she adds. “And maybe you could talk to Dr. Friedman about this as well.”

Will nods. He doesn’t think Dr. Friedman’s helping, but he’s still trying. The doctor asks questions, and Will answers. But he’s not as honest as he is in his letters. He’s scared that Dr. Friedman won’t be able to help him or that he’ll somehow scare him away. Or that he won’t understand. (But Nico would understand.)

“I love you, Will. And I’m so proud of how well you’re doing in your classes. How you’re helping Kayla learn to drive. All the thought you put into Lee’s and Michael’s care packages.” (It’d been Will’s idea that Michael also gets one since he was in college. Community college is still college.)

“I’m scared to go back,” Will whispers. “I don’t want to transfer. But I don’t want to go either.”

Mama looks at him, smiling. “I know, sweetie. But we’re going to get through this. Find a way to make this work. We’re not giving up.” Will nods. They’ll find a way. Even if Will has to be homeschooled or transfer. Or have a panic attack every week.

But they can think about that later. Right now, Will just wants to relax into Mama’s soothing embrace, free of all of his anxiety and stress. He wishes Nico were right next to him, making a funny joke or threatening to beat up all of Will’s bullies. He starts drafting his letter that he’s going to write tonight. (He’s still writing his letters even though the doctor said he didn’t have to.)He knows he needs to talk about this, what happened today, what’s going through his mind. But he’s going to hold off just a little longer. Dr. Friedman said healing takes time. And time is something Will has. He knows he’s breaking, from the inside out, and he’s not sure he’s going to make it. But he’s got time. Even if he’s scared that in just a few minutes, he might burst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. This is the last update before I go on vacation. Sorry to end it on such a horrible note.


	9. endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Senior year comes around.
> 
> (Nico’s POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: implied sexual content, some sex at the end (brief and kind of vague)
> 
> Please let me know if anything needs to be tagged :)

Senior year isn’t what Nico imagined at all. When he was younger, he and Will had imagined a year of goofing off and getting good grades while they worried about getting into college. They imagined road trip and long afternoons spent with each other. They anticipated the day they’d have to say goodbye to each other, never knowing that they’d have already split.

In other words, senior year is uneventful. Nothing new happens. Nico gets days off to tour colleges, so Mama and Dad take him around to different places. He’s already got his mind set on California and no pasta bar or lake view is going to change his mind.

Theo’s getting more moody, too, and Nico has to work at avoiding one of Theo’s moods. He’s sure it’s the stress. While Theo works hard at school, he doesn’t work as hard as Nico. Most of his grades are in the B range, and the school they’re shooting for only takes high GPA’s. Nico’s tried helping, but Theo gets snappy. The stress is getting to both of them.

“Do you know where Will’s going?” Mama asks when Nico gets his own acceptance letters. (He’s applied early for everything, so he gets to know sooner. This doesn’t help Theo relax.)

“Nope,” Nico says.

“Has Theo gotten his acceptance letter?”

“He didn’t apply early like I did. So he’s still waiting.” This gets a hum, and Nico sighs. He knows that his parents are hoping that Theo won’t get into California because maybe then Nico will stay close by. Or he’ll break up. He isn’t sure which one they’d like better.

“He’s really a jerk, Nico. You can do so much better,” Bianca says over the phone when Nico tells her the news. “Also, congrats. California is beautiful. Are you close to the beach?”

“An hour away, I think.” He can hear Bianca’s approval. She’s in-state, but he knows she’s thinking of transferring either this year or next. (She hasn’t told their parents yet.)

“You’ll have to send me lots of pictures. Or I could move out there with you. Though, I am thinking of maybe doing an exchange program next year. So I might be overseas.”

She goes on to talk about her different options, and Nico listens, glad to not be talking about Theo for once. He still really likes Theo, but he knows that they’ve moved out of the honeymoon phase. Everything isn’t roses and candle-lit dinners anymore (not that it ever was).

Fall semester continues without any fanfare. Mama and Dad are begrudgingly letting Theo into the family. There are a few more family dinners, and they actually talk to him now. Still, it feels kind of weird. Nico isn’t sure if it’s because the year is passing by so slowly or because he hardly ever sees Will around.

He’s not so sure why the latter would bother him. It’s not like he saw Will last year all that much. But whenever he does see Will this year, Will’s got his head down. Nico doesn’t think people are still teasing him, but he’s not sure.

“Do you remember Will?” Nico asks Theo one night. They’re laying in Nico’s bed.

“Will? Like that guy who pretended to be your best friend?” Theo pauses. “Why? Did he talk to you?”

Nico shakes his head. He kind of wishes Will had talked to him. Maybe he could figure out what this weird feeling is he’s got. (Will was always better with feelings.)

“Is he still getting picked on? I know you said he wasn’t a good person, but no one should be picked on.”

“I doubt it,” Theo says. “I don’t think anyone was really picking on him before. Maybe just shunning him a little, you know? Because he was being a jerk.”

Nico nods. He still feels uncomfortable about the whole situation. He wishes he could just talk to Will, but he knows that Theo will freak out. And it’s not that Theo controls his life, but he’s not sure how to explain what he’s feeling to Theo in a way he’d understand.

“I guess I just feel a little bad for dumping him,” Nico says.

Theo looks at him. “That’s okay. He was a bad influence in your life, but he was still a big influence. It’s normal to miss people that are no longer in your life.”

Nico hums. He wishes he could curl up in Theo’s arms, but Theo doesn’t like cuddling that much. He’d rather hold hands or make-out. He’s not much for small touches, the kind Nico seems to crave.

What Theo does want is sex, something Nico’s not sure he’s ready for. And he’s told Theo that, but that doesn’t stop Theo from asking on occasion. He knows Theo’s just stating his needs, but Nico can’t help but feel a little pressured to just say yes. He’s not sure what he’s holding out for, so he’s not sure why he won’t say yes. He doesn’t think he’s scared; he knows Theo will take care of him. And he’s done his research. But he can’t make himself say yes.

“Hey, baby,” Theo says. “You okay? I can hear you thinking.”

“Yeah,” Nico says. “I’m fine. Just tired.” He’s not tired, but it feels that way. Recently, spending time with Theo has begun to feel a bit like work. He has to keep himself in check, make sure he’s not being too clingy, make sure he’s not being stupid. He wonders if maybe he was a bit too hard on Will if this is how Will felt around him.

Theo reaches over to kiss Nico’s cheek. “I can leave,” he says. The way he says it makes Nico feel like he’s being a burden.

“No, it’s fine if you stay. We can watch a movie or something.”

So they put in a movie, but neither of them watches it. Instead, Theo leans over again, kissing Nico. They make out for a while until Nico’s lips are sore, and he feels like if he closes his eyes again, he’ll be asleep. Theo rolls off of him, sighing.

“I’m going home, baby. You’re falling asleep.” He laughs quietly, kissing Nico’s cheek. “Good night. Sweet dreams.”

Nico hums. He has to pull up his own covers to tuck himself in. He supposes Theo never had anyone to do that for him so he doesn’t know to do it for anyone else. Still, Nico wishes Theo could give him the same attention and care Nico gives him.

He stays awake long after Theo leaves, just thinking. He remembers back to when he and Will had sleepovers. They always slept in the same bed, Will’s soft snores lulling Nico to sleep. Will got clingy in his sleep, cuddling close to Nico, and Nico never minded. He always thought that that was what friends did. Apparently, they didn’t.

He opens his nightstand drawer, glancing at the pictures of Will. It doesn’t feel wrong to have them, but he’s not sure why he’s kept them for so long. They’re just reminders of his fake friendship with Will, a time when he was unknowingly happy - even if he was being played.

Sometimes he wishes he could go back to those simpler times, and then he feels guilty. Because hasn’t Theo given him everything he’s ever wanted?  
-  
As spring approaches, Nico starts cleaning out his room. Bianca starts making trips to help Nico clear out his stuff. He knows it’s a little early to start packing, but he’s ready to get out of here. Away from high school and all of the reminders it brings.

Bianca is coaching him on all of the things he needs to bring, everything that he can leave behind, how to pack efficiently. She’s two years into college, recently got a boyfriend, and starting an internship. Nico can’t help but think of how he’s slightly ahead. He’s got a boyfriend.

“I won’t need those things,” Nico says when she starts pulling out high school memories: certificates, medals, yearbooks. He’s shoved them in the back of his closet for a reason.

“Keep them just in case. You don’t have to take them to college. Sometimes, though, it’s fun to look back on the memories. You could make a scrapbook.”

Nico shakes his head. He’s not really the scrapbooking type, and he’s not sure which memories he’d want to look back on. There isn’t really a lot that sticks out, and the ones that do aren’t all that great. High school felt like everything Theo said it’d be: a four-year prison sentence. Just a transition into the real world.

“Fine,” Nico huffs. He doesn’t even look at the stuff Bianca’s handing him. He just shoves them into a box that he’s definitely not taking to college.

“I wish you’d had more fun in high school, but college is pretty fun, too. Just make sure you actually do stuff. A party doesn’t just happen.” Nico rolls his eyes. He knows. He’s been to parties. Some do just kind of happen.

“Can we take a break?” Nico asks. “I’m hungry.” Bianca lights up at this.

“I’ll drive!” she calls as she races out of his room to get her shoes. She drives him to McDonald’s, and they sit inside.

“I can’t believe you’re going to graduate this year,” Bianca says. “My little bro is growing up.” She pinches his cheeks for effect, laughing.

“No pinching my cheeks. You’re my sister. Not my grandma.” She laughs again, shoving a chicken nugget into her mouth.

“Well, I feel like a grandma. You’re graduating this year, off to college in the fall. The next thing I know, you’ll be sending out wedding invitations.”

Nico rolls his eyes. “No marriage soon,” he says. “I want to graduate college first. Maybe even get a masters.”

He hasn’t decided what he wants to study yet. Nothing has really stuck out to him. He hopes he figures it out when he gets there.

“Well, don’t forget to send me an invitation. Or else I’ll crash the wedding and curse all of you.”

Nico laughs. “Right. Whatever.”

Bianca calms down, sipping on her soda. “Do you think you’ll marry Theo?” she asks quietly.

Nico shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it. Would you be against it?”

Bianca doesn’t answer right away. “I wouldn’t be against it if he really made you happy. But I don’t think he’s really marriage material, and I don’t think he really makes you happy.”

Nico wants to protest, but he’s not sure if he’s happy. He guesses he is because he’s definitely not sad or mad or whatever else. “I’m happy enough,” he settles on.

“Right,” Bianca says. “But you could be happier. Or just happy enough that you don’t have to think about it. You just know.”

Nico shrugs. “I guess.” He can’t remember the last time he was truly happy. He thinks maybe that time he and Will tried to have a Harry Potter marathon and ended up throwing popcorn at each other as they tried to reenact scenes from the movie, using Twizzlers as wands. Or the last time he and Will had a sleepover in their treehouse, when Nico told a ghost story so scary Will almost peed his pants.

“Just think about it. Besides, hardly anyone ends up with their childhood sweetheart. They say your best friends are the ones you meet in college.”

Theo has said something similar to this, and Nico’s hoping it’s true. If he does get married, he wants a ceremony. And it’d be a pretty sad ceremony if only his family and Theo showed up. (The thought makes him a little sad, honestly.)

When he gets home, he packs up the rest of his high school memories. College is a new chapter of his life, so he needs to keep turning the pages.  
-  
Theo calls Nico while he’s studying for his math test. He picks up right away as Theo hardly calls him. It’s silent on the other end for a moment, and Nico’s worried that Theo’s been hurt or something.

“I didn’t get in,” Theo says. His voice is quiet, and, for once, it’s not filled with the usual nonchalance. “I mean, I got into college. The one here. But not California.”

Nico’s silent for a few moments. He’s not sure what to say. Part of him is disappointed, but another part of him is relieved. He’s not sure what it’ll be like seeing Theo all of the time with no breaks in between.

“I can transfer,” Nico says after a moment. He’s already hoping that Theo will say no, and he wonders if that makes him a bad boyfriend. “I can do a year in California and then transfer. Or you could.”

There’s a pause. Nico wonders who he’s going to room with now that Theo’s not going to be there. He doesn’t know anyone else who’s going out of state, let alone all the way across the country.

“And that’s why you got in, and I didn’t,” Theo says. “Because you’re smart. I didn’t even think about transferring.”

Nico grins at the praise. “You were too upset to think straight,” he says.

Theo giggles, and it sounds so childish. “I’m never thinking straight.”

Nico laughs. He’s given up on studying for now. Right now, he’s just talking to Theo.

“What’re you doing right now?” Theo asks.

“Talking to you.” There’s another pause. “Studying for a math test,” he adds.

“Oh, I should let you off then.” Nico shakes his head before remembering he’s on the phone.

“No, it’s okay. I’ve pretty much got everything I need to know. It was time for a break anyway.”

He can practically hear Theo perk up. “So can I come pick you up?” Theo asks.

Nico smiles. “Yes, please. I’ll be waiting.” He stops himself short of saying “love you” when he hangs up. He’s not sure if he loves Theo. He knows he definitely likes him. He likes so many things about Theo. But he’s not sure he loves him. And Theo definitely hasn’t said anything like that.

He gets a text when Theo’s there, closing his math book, and heading outside. He texts his parents to say he’ll be back later. Then he climbs into Theo’s car.

Theo takes him to the park where end up making out in the car. Nico wonders how many people actually play on the park at this hour.

Nico flinches back when Theo’s hand brushes Nico’s crotch. He can tell Theo’s disappointed. “Am I missing something?” Theo asks. “We don’t have to go all the way. Just a little bit.”

Nico sits back on his heels. He has to open the window before he can think straight. “I know,” he says. “But I’m not ready. And you should respect that.” He hears Theo sigh.

“I do, baby. I just think that if we talk about this, we can figure out when you’ll be ready. Like do you want to see me naked first? Or I can go first.”

Nico shrugs. He’s not sure what it is. He’s imagined Theo naked before, trying to put himself in the mood for it. But his mind always falls back on generic thoughts whenever he gets off.

“I don’t know. It just seems daunting or something.” He doesn’t know how to describe the feeling.

“Do you trust me?” Theo asks. “Because I promise I won’t hurt you. And if I do, we’ll stop.”

“I trust you. Maybe I don’t trust myself,” Nico says. Theo huffs.

“I don’t know how to help with that.”

Nico rolls his eyes. “I know, Theo. I want this, I do. But I’m not ready. Not yet.”

Theo nods. They go back to kissing, but the mood is a bit ruined. A little grumpy, Theo drives Nico back to his house.

He stays awake all night trying to figure it out. He googles reasons why. Most of the searches say that he’s either not attracted to Theo or he’s not attracted to sex. He knows it’s not the latter, but he doesn’t want it to be the former. (How would he even explain that to Theo?)

He wishes Will were here so he could figure this out. Will would know how to help him, how to talk him through this. He wonders if Will understanding him so Well was another trick to make him believe they were best friends.

Eventually, Nico sets his phone aside. He thinks of Theo, thinks of Theo naked. He tries to get himself going, but he only manages to get halfway there. He’s not sure if it’s the image of Theo or how much pressure he’s putting on himself to figure this out. Ten minutes later, he decides to call it a night. Maybe he’s just not in the mood.  
-  
Graduation comes faster than Nico could have hoped for. One minute, he’s arguing with his mom about colleges (he’s already mailed in his acceptance to California), and the next, she’s fussing over his bow tie.

He remembers the procession and fanfare (the pomp and circumstance) from Bianca’s graduation, but it seems more real and exciting when he’s the one walking across that grand stage. He’s not sitting with Theo because they’re last names aren’t close together, but they have a plan to find each other afterward. And Nico cheers when Theo crosses the stage.

(When Will crosses the stage, Nico almost doesn’t notice. Will’s got his head down, and he trips on one of the steps going up. Nico can see his cheeks turn red, someone jeers, and then they’re on to the next name.)

Somehow, he manages to find Theo in the crowd of blue graduation gowns. He leaps into Theo’s arms, doing his best to erase the image of Will walking across that stage.

“Baby, we’re graduates!” Theo shouts. He tosses his cap into the air, but Nico keeps his. High school maybe be torture, but he’s proud of himself for making it this far. He’s not at the top of the class, but he’s in the top twenty percent. He laughs, so happy to be done with high school, to be in Theo’s arms.

“Let’s take pictures!” Mama says coming up behind them. It’s hot, but Nico doesn’t care. Today’s a special day, and nothing can ruin it.

They take lots of pictures. Some of just Nico, Nico and Theo, Nico and Bianca, the family, Nico and his parents, etc.. Nico gets some selfies, even though he isn’t going to post them on anything. He just wants to keep some of these memories close. It may be nostalgic, but it’s special to him.

Nico’s mom agreed to let Theo and Nico combine their parties. It wasn’t like Theo’s parents were planning anything for him anyway. So they’ve got cake and party food waiting for them back at the house. Nico grabs a plate of barbecue and some mac and cheese. He adds a big slice of cake, heading for the treehouse. Theo finds him, holding a plate of his own food.

“Lots of people came,” Theo says

Nico nods. Secretly, he was scared no one would come. He didn’t really have a lot of friends, and he wasn’t sure if his extended family would be able to make it (not that they were all that close). But he could see some people from school in the yard, some family friends.

“Did you get invited to any parties?” Theo asks.

Nico shrugs. He’d gotten one invitation (from Will), but he’s sure it was just an accident. “Not really. But I’m cool just staying here.”

Theo nods. He’s quiet as he eats his food. He watches the people down below, and Nico wonders if he just uses his nonchalance as a coping mechanism. Theo seemed popular, even if he really wasn’t. He ditched his friends for Nico, and his family had ditched him.

“Do you ever wonder if there’s something we missed out on doing in high school?” Nico asks quietly.

Theo shakes his head. “Not really. Most of the stuff we didn’t do was stupid. And they’ll have all of the same stuff in college. But better. You know?”

Nico shrugs. Theo leans over, kissing his cheek. “I thought prom was fun. And the carnival.” Theo nods again, but Nico can tell that he’s not really listening.

When he finishes eating, Nico climbs down, moving around to talk to people. Most of them, he doesn’t really know. But it’s kind of refreshing to talk to someone he doesn’t know. He hasn’t met new people in what seems like forever. He and Theo usually just hang out alone. And when Nico’s not with Theo, he’s with his family or alone.

Everyone comments on how big Nico’s gotten, asks where he’s going, asks what he’s studying. They tell him to say hi to his parents or give him a card. (At least he won’t be too broke going into college with all of the gift cards he’s collecting.) Theo doesn’t follow him around, choosing instead to let people come to him.

“Good party?” Bianca asks. Nico nods. “Where’s Theo?”

Nico points over towards the porch. “I think he’s getting tired of all the people.”

Bianca shrugs. “But it’s a party. I thought he liked parties.”

Nico rolls his eyes. “He can be cool without liking parties, you know. And he does. He just doesn’t know anyone here.”

Bianca laughs. “Well, you have to introduce yourself. That’s how you meet people.” She throws her arms around him. “I’m going to miss you.”

Nico laughs. “You left first.”

Bianca huffs. “You know what I mean. You’re going to be in California. And I’ll be here. It’s kind of a long way, you know?”

Nico smiles. “We can write letters. Or email. Or video chat. Text and call. Lots of options. Plus, you’ll be busy with school. Junior year.”

Bianca sighs at this. “Not too busy for my little brother, though. I know you’re going to love college. I just hope they have good food.”

“I’ll just find the kitchen and cook,” Nico says. He’s been working on teaching Theo how to cook. Theo doesn’t have much patience for the kind of food Nico likes to make, but he’s mastered scrambled eggs and toast.

“You could study to be a chef,” Bianca says. Nico nods. He remembers wanting to be a chef when he was younger. He and Will would dress up, and Nico would make them pancakes or fruit salad. And Will would clap every time Nico brought out a dish.

“Maybe. But I’m not sure I’d like to cook all day. It’s fun for a meal or two.”

Bianca grins. “Well, you can always cook for me.” She pulls back, kissing his cheek. “I’m going to go call Derek. Don’t have too much fun.” She winks as she dashed across the yard to call her boyfriend.

“Hey, baby, want to go for a ride?” Theo asks. Nico didn’t hear him coming, but here he is. His cheeks are a little red from the sun, but he still looks handsome.

“Sure. Let me tell Mama.” He hurries across the yard.

Then they’re driving, the windows down. Nico’s singing along to the radio, and Theo’s holding his hand.

“Where are we going?” Nico yells.

“Wait and see!” Theo calls back.

It’s getting dusky by the time they turn off the main road. They’re driving down some country roads, the cows heading home for dinner. They pick up McDonald’s and eat it on the side of the road. Out here, there are only trees and cows and bugs.

“Do you regret not doing anything in high school?” Nico asks. Unlike him, Theo wasn’t on the honor roll. He didn’t go to club meetings or talk to his classmates. He didn’t want to go to prom, though Nico dragged him along twice.

“Nope,” Theo says. “High school is just a waste of time. I keep telling you, the real stuff is in college. The real world is yet to come. Right now, we’re all living under a rock.”

Nico sighs, leaning against Theo’s shoulder. He’s full from the party and the chicken nuggets, and he’s starting to feel anxious.

“Baby?”

“Kiss me,” Nico says. And Theo does. He kisses Nico roughly, moving them to the backseat of his car. Theo’s hands are everywhere, in Nico’s hair, on his back, around his waist. And then he’s pulling off Nico’s clothes, and Nico almost can’t breathe. Because what if this really is the end? What if everything changes from here?

“Nico?”

Nico doesn’t pause. He just straddles Theo, pulling off his shirt and sliding down his shorts. Theo makes a strangled noise, but he keeps pushing Nico forward. Their hips roll into each other, and they both groan. Nico’s not sure why he’s waited so long for this because it feels good.

“How far?” Theo puffs. His hands are circling Nico’s thighs, itching to just grab Nico.

“I want this,” Nico says. He’s not sure if he’s going to regret this later, but he has to do it now. If not, then Theo will be gone, a thousand miles away, and they won’t be together. Not like they are now.

Nico zones out a bit. From somewhere, Theo produced a condom and lube. And Nico shivers when the coldness touches his skin. It hurts at first, but then the sting just becomes pressure. He tries to enjoy it, but he’s not sure why so many people talk about this as if it’s something great. Theo’s panting and groaning above him, sounding almost like a porno.

Nico has to jerk himself off with his eyes closed. And then it’s all over, and he’s sticky and sweaty and just wants to take a shower. Instead, he curls up in Theo’s sweatshirt, pulling his boxers back on.

He feels so clingy and needy right now, but he knows he can’t ask Theo to cuddle. Theo who’s leaning against the door right now. Nico feels like crying, but he can’t. Because then Theo might dump him right there.

Nico can’t remember ever feeling so needy. Sure, there have been times when he needed Mama or Bianca or even Will to be there with him right that moment, but he doesn’t think it matches this. Right now, he feels so vulnerable and childlike.

“Nico?” Theo asks. He’s already dressed again, looking as if they haven’t just had sex. He pulled away from Nico the moment he came, leaving Nico cold and anxious. “I can hear you thinking. You don’t regret what we just did, do you?”

“No,” Nico says. He can’t help feeling like he’s lying, though.

“It’ll get better,” Theo says. “The first time is always a bit rough. Always a little weird like that.” Nico doesn’t want to think about how many people Theo’s had sex with.

“It’ll get better?” Theo leans over, kissing his cheek.

“It’ll get better,” Theo promises. He sighs before moving back to the driver’s seat. Nico wants to go somewhere, but he has nowhere to go. Theo smiles at him as he starts the car. He doesn’t have any freckles. “You’ll see.”

Nico just nods, pulling Theo’s sweatshirt over his arms and leaning against the window. He falls asleep before they get home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still on vacation, but I got a chapter finished :) (hopefully, there weren’t too many grammatical mistakes/typos)


	10. exhausting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will starts college.
> 
> (Will's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: anxiety/panic attacks, bad friendships, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts
> 
> please let me know if I need to tag anything!

Senior year is done and gone, and Will’s never been more grateful for an ending. His last year of high school had been a repeat of the previous year with the same bullies on his heels every step of the way. He knew his parents were worried about him being so far away for school, but Will wanted a fresh beginning. He wanted to be someplace where people didn’t know his name, didn’t know what he’d been through.

Will’s done this twice already, but it feels more real this time. The packing, the saying goodbye, the bittersweet looks his parents give him. With Lee, it felt almost like a dream, something that was only temporary. And with Michael, it almost felt fake. (Because he still lived at home and ate all of the food in the house.) But Will was leaving. Really leaving. The only way to be any further would be to cross an ocean.

“Aunt Diana’s only going to be an hour away,” Mama says. Will nods. He’s not very close with Aunt Diana, mostly because she lives so far away and is always traveling. But she’ll soon be the closest relative he’s got. “You have her number and address, right?”

“Yes, Mama,” Will says, smiling. He’s both nervous and excited. California is a place he’s always wanted to go to, with its beaches and its cities and openness. It’s a clean slate, too, something he doesn’t have here. (He didn’t even apply to the local colleges, afraid that he’d end up seeing people from high school.)

“He’ll be fine, Naomi,” Dad says. “Diana inherited all of the wisdom. We may not always get along, but I’d trust her with my son any day.” Mama rolls her eyes, kissing Dad’s cheek.

By the end of the week, Will was all packed up for college. Lee was going back in a week. Michael had already started. Austin was moving Will’s things out of their room. It felt like an ending more than a beginning, but Will was okay with that. Sometimes endings were good.

The plane flight wasn’t anything new, though Will had never been on a plane before. Briefly, he wondered if Nico had ever been on a plane before. He’d left all of his letters back home, determined that this would be a fresh break from everything. No more letters to Nico, no more Dr. Friedman, no more hiding away. A new beginning meant a new Will.

Only Mama made the trip. Dad had drawn the short straw, sending his other children off to schools that were closer by. And Will was happy that it was Mama. It made things less dramatic. Because Mama always seemed to know what to do.

They went shopping for new things, buying bedsheets and lamps and desk supplies. Will thinks about the stuffed dog he’s packed away in his suitcase, the one that Nico had given him when he was sick with the flu (which he’d eventually passed on to Nico). Since Will’s arrived early, his roommate isn’t here yet. So he picks his side of the room and starts unpacking his stuff.

“It looks a little empty,” Will says, pausing. They’ve unpacked pretty much every box now, but the room doesn’t quite feel like his.

“You’re used to having a roommate,” Mama says. She smiles. “Once Luke moves in, it’ll start to feel like home.” Will nods. Since Michael attended community college, his room was still very much in use. And Will craved the company that sharing a room with Austin came with. So neither of them had moved out.

“I hope he’s not like Austin,” Will says. “In that, he stays up all night listening to loud music.”

Mama laughs. “Well, at least you’ll be used to it then.” Will shrugs. He’s grown to like Austin’s music, though he’s not about to admit that to his brother. He sets his plants by the window, claiming the desk there. His jade plant fits nicely on the windowsill, and his bamboo sits next to it. He’s got about four plants now, an orchid and a succulent in the mix.

“Do you think he’ll be nice?” Will asks. He just wants his roommate to like him. He doesn’t know much about Luke. The housing application wasn’t very descriptive in letting Will know what his options were. All he knows about Luke is that he doesn’t have a service animal, that he gets up early, and that he won’t be bringing an instrument. He doesn’t even know if Luke smokes or drinks since the application just said he didn’t mind if his roommate did.

“I hope so,” Mama says. She looks sad now that all of the shopping and sightseeing is done. “Promise me you’ll call, okay?”

Will nods. That was part of their agreement. If he wanted to stop therapy, he needed to make an effort to communicate better. The deal was that he had to call at least every other week to check in. Especially since his family couldn’t exactly just hop onto the next plane to see him.

“I will, Mama. I may end up calling every week.”

Mama kisses his forehead. “You’ll be having too much fun for that,” she says, laughing. “Every other week will suffice. College will be good for you. You’ll meet new people, have fun classes, get to explore a little. You’re only an hour or so from the beach.”

Will smiles at this. He’s never been to a real beach before, only those lake beaches where the only waves are because there are boats. He’s already started looking at the transportation to see how quickly he can make it to the beach.

“I’ll be back home before you know it,” Will says. He’s starting to feel that flutter of anxiety now, knowing that his mom will be leaving in a few hours, and he’ll be left alone in a state he’s just stepped foot in. He squeezes his mom’s hands. She smiles back.

“I know you will. But enjoy the moments in between, too.” Will nods. He’s made himself a to-do list to make himself get out there. At home, he was afraid to show his face, but now, he wants to show everyone that he’s bettered himself. “Let’s get lunch.”

They get lunch at a seafood place, but Will orders a burger. His appetite has returned over the summer, and now he can eat an entire burger without feeling sick. He feels a sense of accomplishment when he doesn’t have to ask for a box.

“I’m going to miss you,” Mama says. Will nods. He’s going to miss her, too. No more home-cooked meals. He’ll have to brave the dining hall, make some friends. He’s never been without his family, and already, he’s feeling the effects of it. “But you’re going to be just fine here, Will. More than fine.”

“I know,” he says. He wants this, but it’s hard. “I just wish that you guys could be here, too.” Mama nods, wiping Will’s cheeks. He didn’t even realize that he’d been crying. She drops him off at his dorm room, the halls silent and waiting for the school year to begin. Only his RA is here, a guy named Jake.

“I love you, Will. I’ll call you as soon as I land, okay?” Will nods. He sits on his bed, holding that stuffed dog. He already feels that looming sense of loneliness and sadness weighing his shoulders. He tells himself to do something, but he doesn’t know what to do. So he pulls out his computer, pulls up Netflix, and crawls under his covers.  
-  
“I’m Luke Castellan,” is what Will’s roommate said the first day he met him. Luke turned out to be a year older than Will, hoping for a single room. Unfortunately, he got paired with Will. He gives Will a brief tour of the campus, pointing out all of the buildings with a single gesture of his arm. Will tries to memorize the places and their locations, but he’s never been all that good at directions.

“You’ll get the hang of it,” Luke says. “I got lost a few times my first year. But now I could probably walk this place in my sleep.” He laughs, and Will can’t help but think that a guy like Luke would never willingly hang out with a guy like Will. Only if he were assigned to.

“So, have you been to the beach before?” Will asks. He’s trying not to come across as too eager, but he’s not sure it’s working. Luke gets this crease on his forehead whenever Will asks a question. He hopes it’s just an ‘another annoying freshman’ look.

“Yeah. It’s cool and all, but there are other beaches farther away that are better. Maybe we’ll go sometime.” He pauses. “Or you could just take the bus, probably. It goes pretty much everywhere.”

Will nods. He listens to Luke talk, trying to record it all inside his head. He imagines writing a letter to Nico about the town, the shops, the smells, the people. He wonders if Nico would have gone to the beach with him. Then he stops because he’s not supposed to be thinking about Nico anymore. He’s supposed to be perfecting the new Will. The one Nico would have wanted to be friends with. The kind of guy Luke would willingly seek out.

“Hey, are you listening?” Luke asks. They’ve stopped near some fountain, and Will realizes that he’s staring at the water. Luke snaps his fingers, and Will flinches. Luke looks unimpressed with Will’s reflexes. “Like I was saying, you could also rent a bike and just ride around. It’s cheaper depending on where you’re going.”

Will nods. Their friendship lasts about two weeks into the school year. Will and Luke are getting lunch with a couple of Luke’s friends (people that remind Will too much of Bryce and Theo to make him comfortable) when Luke sticks his arm out.

“Nope. You’re going to make some friends,” he says. “College is all about meeting people. And I’ve shown you the basics. Now it’s your turn to go out there. Time to leave the nest.”

Will frowns, trying to set his lunch down on the table. He feels that anxiety in his stomach building, the questions tumbling through his head. Did he do something to make Luke upset? He’s been so careful, always asking before he did something. They’d established room rules the second day of classes, and Will made sure to follow all of them. (Luke didn’t always follow them, but Will let it slide.) Did Luke just not like him? Will knew he was being a bit clingy, but he hadn’t yet found the courage to actually talk to someone.

“Look, I’m just saying that it seems like you have some kind of social anxiety. And if I keep nursing it, it won’t go away. So I’m trying to help you,” Luke is saying. “Why don’t you go talk to that girl over there?”

Will looks where Luke’s pointing. He knows the girl as Thalia because she’s in one of his classes. She’s nice if not loud and opinionated, but Will admires her ability to speak her mind. He realizes he’s been staring too long when Luke gives him a little shove. Will flinches, stepping forward. He starts walking slowly towards Thalia. She’s got her back turned to him, so he’ll have to speak up.

He turns around to look at Luke. He gets a thumbs up, but Will thinks he sees one of the friends laughing. His stomach churns uncomfortably. He’s honestly not sure if he’s going to throw up or cry or just pass out. He’s walking on autopilot now, his mind whirring too fast to process much of what’s happening.

“Hello?” comes a voice. “Excuse me, you’re kind of blocking my path.” The voice comes at him like an echo, and Will hears a weird noise. It takes him a moment to realize that that noise is him.

He’s not sure when he sits down or even if he’s in a seat, but he feels something cold and solid beneath him. He tries to stand up, but something’s holding him down. Is this all a dream? Is he back in high school? With Bryce and Octavian and Peter? He tries to cover his mouth or push away whoever’s hands are on him, but he can’t make his muscles work.

He feels his hand touch something warm, and he wants to pull away. But the feeling is comforting. Steady and soft and warm. He relaxes slightly into the touch, thinking of his mom. Has his mom come back to save him? He’s too relieved to be embarrassed.

“Good, breathe in for me. One, two, three . . . ” The counting continues. “Hold.” More counting. “Breathe out.” Will realizes what’s happening now. He remembers going through these exercises with Dr. Friedman, though Dr. Friedman wasn’t all that warm or soft. He doesn’t know how long he’s breathing or sitting there, and he has no idea whose hand he’s holding.

“Can you open your eyes for me?” It takes Will a minute before he can peel his eyes open. When he does, he finds himself looking at a girl who is not Thalia. She’s got brown hair and tanned skin and a concerned expression on her face. “Good,” she says gently. “Keep breathing.”

Will does. He’s starting to become aware of everyone looking at him, and this causes the anxiety to come back. He tries to get up again, but the girl squeezes his hand. “You’re okay. Just focus on the breathing.” After a few more rounds of breathing, she helps him up and outside.

Will takes a lot of deep breaths outside, leaning against one of the emergency calling poles. He’s still holding the girl’s hand. “Um, thanks,” he says.

She smiles, nodding. “I’m Reyna.” She doesn’t hold out her hand, and Will likes that. “I think we have English together.” Will shrugs. She looks familiar, but he’s not really sure. “Are you feeling better?”

Will nods. “Yeah, I think so. Thanks again.” He looks around. Right now, nothing is looking too familiar. “Where exactly are we?”

Reyna smiles. “We’re behind the dining hall. There’s this courtyard back here that not many people know about. Kind of like a secret.” She holds her finger up to her lips, rolling her eyes. “Do you want me to walk you back to your dorms? Or we could get something to eat?”

Will nods. He’s not sure what he’s nodding to, so he lets Reyna decide. She takes him to the mini store on campus, grabbing things off the shelves while Will tries to process everything that just happened. She pays for the food and smiles at him.

“I don’t know where you live,” she says.

“Oh, right. Livingstone Hall.” Reyna nods. They don’t talk while they walk, Reyna instead now glaring at everyone who looks their way. Will just keeps his head down. He feels disappointed. Because he tried so hard to start over. But now he’s probably made a complete fool of himself.

“Would you like some company?” Reyna asks. “I swear I’m not trying to be intrusive. The moment you tell me to leave, I will. No questions asked.”

Will nods. “Company is good.” He hates to be alone after anxiety attacks. The quiet of his mind is a good breeding ground for negative thoughts. “But I probably won’t be good company.”

Reyna shrugs. “I’m not the best company either.” She smiles at him, taking his key out of his shaking hands. She unlocks his door, glancing at the names written on it. “Your roommate is Luke?” Will nods. “Gods.”

Will doesn’t ask her what she means. He’s already starting to figure out that Luke’s not a good friend. But it’s a little hard to dump your roommate. Reyna sits down on the floor, spreading out the food she got at the store. She sets out two sandwiches, some fruit, cheese sticks, and several juice boxes.

“I don’t know what you like.” She points to the food, explaining what they are. Will grabs the turkey sandwich, suddenly hungry. Halfway through his sandwich, he remembers that he might have classes. He glances at the calendar he’s hung up on the wall, sighing when he sees that his afternoon is blank.

Reyna leans back against his desk, unwrapping her own sandwich. He can tell she’s taking in the room. While his side looks bare and lived in, Luke’s side looks cluttered and untouched. Which would make sense since Luke’s always in class or hanging out with his friends or at parties. And Will’s usually in his room or studying at the library or trying to find the closest bathroom.

“I like your room,” she says. “Well, your side of the room. I wish I could have plants, but I don’t really have the patience to care for them.” Will finds that hard to believe after she just calmed him down from an anxiety attack. He knows his last anywhere from three to twenty minutes.

“They like classic rock,” Will says. Reyna looks surprised at this, but she smiles.

“Yeah?” Will nods. Reyna grabs her phone, tapping a few screens. Then Will hears a familiar beat of drums and guitar ring out. Reyna smiles at him, setting her phone on the desk so that it’s closest to the plants. “Didn’t take you for the guy who listens to classic rock.”

Will shrugs. He likes it because it’s the nicest thing that sounds like whatever Austin listens to. He grabs the cup of grapes, popping one in his mouth. He was finding out that California grapes were sweeter than those back home. If Luke weren’t so worried about bugs, Will would have bought an entire bag to snack on in the room.

“So, you don’t like Luke?” Will asks softly.

Reyna shrugs. “Not much to like. Sure he’s handsome, but it doesn’t make up for the fact that he’s a complete jerk.” She pauses. “Was he why you freaked out?”

“Kind of, I guess,” Will says. “I guess he’s getting tired of me. Because he wanted me to talk to someone else. And I freaked out.” Reyna nods. She doesn’t ask why he freaked out, but he has a feeling that she might already know. She knew how to calm him down.

“Wanna be friends?” Reyna asks. Will blinks. “I mean, you can think about it. And it’s completely okay if you say no. But I think you’re pretty cool.” Will blinks again. “I can give you a month’s free trial. See if I become too overbearing or whatnot,” she adds.

“Um, sure,” Will says. “The the friend thing. Not the free trial.” Reyna grins.

“Well, Will Solace. It’s nice to meet you.”  
-  
One thing Will is learning is that Reyna doesn’t do anything by halves. She reminds Will of that Yoda saying: “Do or do not. There is no try.” She sits next to him in class and invites him to lunch and dinner. She also introduces him to her friends, smiling a little when they all bump fists with him.

But she also understands that Will doesn’t like to be around a lot of people. So they mostly hang out in his room or in that secret courtyard behind the dining hall. There are benches out there, but they usually just roll out a blanket and sit in the grass.

“I don’t understand why people don’t know about this place,” she says. “It’s so nice, and it’s even got wifi.” Will smiles, shrugging. He’s just finished his English paper, so he’s laying back on the blanket. He feels more comfortable with Reyna than he’s felt with anyone in a long time. He guesses it’s probably because there’s no guesswork with Reyna.

“Probably because it smells a little like trash,” Will says. The dumpsters are back here, too, but the smell isn’t too bad since the wind is blowing and it’s not too warm. Will pulls his sleeves over his fingers, looking at Reyna. “I think Luke hates me.”

Reyna glances at him. “Really?” Will nods. “Well, he isn’t the nicest person in the world.” Will almost laughs.

Luke was becoming more of a problem each day. He kept talking down to Will or telling him to do things. He’d drag Will places he didn’t want to go or bring people over without telling Will. Will had tried to explain that he needed some heads up or that he didn’t like having strangers in the room, but Luke would just shrug him off.

“Everyone’s a stranger until you meet them, Will,” he’d says. Which was true, but it wasn’t like Luke ever introduced these people to Will. They’d just be there when Will got back from class or was trying to sleep. He didn’t understand Will’s anxiety either, calling his attacks tantrums and pushing him out into the hallway.

“I spent last night on Jake’s extra bed,” Will adds quietly. It’s not the first time he’s done it.

“Do you want me to do something?” Reyna had already given her spiel about what she thought about Jake, and Will agreed. While Jake was a nice person, he didn’t have much of a backbone when it came to settling roommate disagreements. When Will got kicked out of the room for freaking out, he’d just offer his extra bed.

Will shakes his head. “Nothing to do. I’ll just switch roommates next semester.” Reyna eyes him, and Will tries not to shy away.

“We’re only halfway through the semester,” Reyna says. Her expression softens a little as she looks at Will. “He’s not hurting you, is he?” Will shrugs. It hurts when Luke just kicks him out, that disgusted and slightly scared look on his face. Because Will knows he’s not a freak, but he also knows that he’s not getting better.

“I think I might drop out,” Will says. He’s been thinking about it, going back home. He can just go to community college like Michael, live at home. Then he can move and live by himself where he doesn’t have to worry about other people finding him freakish. “I miss my family, too.”

He hasn’t told his family about Luke. He just tells them that Luke’s busy with all of his classes and extracurriculars, so they don’t spend a lot of time together. He has told them about Reyna, and he cried when Mama told him how proud she was that he’d made a friend. (Luke had walked in at that moment, so Will had pretended that he was yawning.)

“Do you like it here?” Reyna asks. Will shrugs. California isn’t quite what he expected, but it’s nice. The weather is nice, and most of the people seem nice. There’s good food, too. “I think you should stay,” she says softly.  
“Why? There are schools back home, closer to home. And there are English degrees everywhere. It’s not like this school is the best.”

Reyna shrugs. “You haven’t been to the beach yet. And you haven’t seen the Golden Gate Bridge or gone to Tony’s. Those are things on your list, right?” Will nods. “So, stay. At least for the year. Finish your classes, transfer if you want. If you do, you have to promise to keep in touch, okay?”

Will looks at her. “Why? My life isn’t that exciting.” Reyna shrugs.

“Maybe not. But I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in you.” She smiles, patting Will’s hand. He’s told her how he feels about touching, so she’s taken to patting his hand or gently poking his shoulder. Sometimes she’ll lean against him, but that’s only if she’s tired.

“I don’t know why,” Will mumbles.

Reyna shakes her head. “One of these days, Will, I’m going to show you the best beach in this state.” Will nods, pulling out a textbook. He’s got a biology test coming up that he’s well prepared for, but he wants to study a little more. That and he’s getting a bit tired from all of the talking.

“What if you moved in with me?” Reyna asks softly. “I have an extra room. And we’re friends.” She smiles. “Think about it. You’ve got the rest of the semester.”

Will nods. He’s been to Reyna’s place before. She’d thrown a small party for one of her friends and had invited Will. Her place was relatively small, a bit crappy, but it was still nice. She had a balcony and a decent-sized bathroom and a functioning kitchen.

“Will you kill the spiders for me?” Will asks.

Reyna rolls her eyes. “Yes.” Will smiles.

“I’ll think about it.”  
-  
Will flinches when he feels something hard poke his side. He curls further under the covers, trying to hide the whine that’s crawling up his throat. He knows it’s the stress, but lately, he’s been having trouble sleeping and concentrating. Unlike at home, he can’t just go and take a bath. (Luke’s already complained about him moving around night.)

“You alive under there?” Luke asks. “I don’t think I’ve seen you for a few days.” There’s a short laugh. Will squeezes his eyes shut. “Seriously, though, if you’re dying, I need to report it to someone. So they don’t think it was me.”

Then Luke’s trying to peel the covers away from Will. Will tries to cling to them, but Luke’s stronger. “Go away, please,” Will croaks. He hasn’t spoken in two days, and now he just feels like crap. His face is puffy from crying, and his nose is running. He’d think he was sick if he didn’t already know what it was.

“I don’t even know how you got into this school, Will. All you ever do is sleep and mope and cry. No wonder no one but Reyna talks to you. And we all know she’s just doing that because she wants to help freaks like you when she graduates. Gives her good experience.” Luke laughs again like he’s made some kind of joke. Will feels too empty right now to let the words get to him.

He’d lied to his mom again last night, told her that everything was good, that he was eating well, going to all of his classes, hanging out with friends. He is only doing about one and a half of those things. Finals are in a week, and he’s supposed to be studying and stressing and begging for extra credit. But all he can do is cry and think about dropping out (the papers are in his desk) and Nico.

He hugs the stuffed dog to his chest, glad Luke didn’t see it this time. It still smells vaguely like the scented marker that’s on its right ear. Mama’s had to sew its tail back and part of its stomach back together. Will knows it’s a bit stupid to cling to a stuffed animal, but right now it feels like the realest thing. The only thing that will just love him as he is and not be disappointed.

Will hears a phone ding, and he shifts a little to see his phone light up. He thinks it might be his parents so he ignores it for now. He focuses back on the dog, thinking it’s funny how he never named it. He tries to think of a name, but it seems silly now. He’ll always refer to it as the stuffed dog.

He must fall asleep at some point because he wakes up to a knock on his door. Part of him is relieved because he knows it’s not Luke or one of his friends. But the other part of him is worried. Because what if Luke told someone about him and now they’re coming to force him outside?

“Hey, Will?” Reyna calls. “Is it okay if I come in?” Will makes a noise, trying to get his voice to work again. He doesn’t have the energy to talk to Reyna or even really listen to her. He just wants to lay in bed and sleep. Even crying seems like a lot of work right now. “I’m coming in, Will.” She waits a moment or two, and then the door is squeaking open. Will doesn’t move.

He watches as Reyna sets something on his desk, giving him a soft smile. “Basil plant. I saw you eyeing it the other day.” Will just nods. He knows he should be happy or touched right now, but all he can muster is a nod. “Do you want food? Or we can just watch a movie?”

Will holds up two fingers. He knows he should scoot over, but he can’t motivate himself to. So Reyna crawls over his legs, squishing herself along the wall. She brings his laptop over, keeping the power cord plugged in. Without asking, she pulls up his Netflix account and pushes play on the first movie in his list. She tilts the screen so that he can see, laying down beside him.

“Just tell me if you need me to leave or whatnot,” she whispers. Will nods again. He zones in and out of consciousness, falling asleep during the action scenes, feeling nothing during the emotional scenes. His head is now laying on Reyna’s shoulder. He can’t tell if she’s asleep or not. Luckily, Netflix continues to play even if no one tells it to.

After the third movie, Reyna leaves for a few minutes to use the bathroom. She comes back with a bowl of popcorn. “I figured you weren’t too hungry.” Will shrugs. He is hungry, but he doesn’t feel like eating. Reyna drops a piece of popcorn into his mouth. He chews and swallows.

“I was thinking,” she says as she starts another movie. “Maybe you could get a cat. Like a therapy animal.” She nods towards the stuffed dog. “I’m thinking cat because they’re less work to take care of for when you’re like this. But they’re also cute and fun to play with.”

Will’s always wanted a cat. But Kayla’s mildly allergic to them, so he’s never been able to get one. And a dog was always too much for their busy family. Will wants to ask Reyna if she’d want a cat, too, but he decides he’ll ask her tomorrow. He still hasn’t told her that he’s thinking of living with her.

Reyna pats Will’s hand, handing him a tissue. “I know I’m a bit pushy and bossy, so just tell me to stop, okay?” Will nods. He thinks he needs someone like Reyna in his life. Someone who knows when to push him and when to just let him be. Nico used to be like that, Will thinks. (Nico used to know everything about Will.)

“I wish Nico were here,” Will whispers. Reyna gives him a curious look, but she doesn’t ask. She doesn’t ask when he starts crying, snot dripping from his nose. She just holds him and rubs his back, hands him tissues. Eventually, she has to tell him to breathe. Will thinks he might hear a door open during this, but Reyna’s still talking to him.

“There we are, Will,” she says when he’s calming down. “You’re okay.” Will wipes his eyes, sagging against Reyna’s side. He’s exhausted, and he kind of wishes it would all end right now.


	11. new beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico enters college.
> 
> (Nico's POV)

Looking back on it, Nico realizes that life was constantly trying to fix itself, give Nico second and third and fourth chances. If only he knew enough to actually pay attention to them, he could have gotten himself (and Will) out of this mess sooner.

Nico’s roommate is a man by the name of Jason Grace. At first, Nico almost had a heart attack thinking that it was Will come back to get him. But Will didn’t have glasses or close-cut hair or a slightly crooked nose. Will isn’t here. And, surprisingly, Jason’s a pretty good friend. Nico’s still wary, Theo’s voice in the back of his mind, as to what makes a good friend and what doesn’t. The last thing Nico wants to do is find someone like Will all the way out here in California.

“Dude, I loved high school,” Jason is saying. He’s attempting to hook up his computer to the school wifi, but the wifi is a bit touchy, and Jason’s laptop is ancient. “I mean, it wasn’t all that great, but it was still fun. No one really cared, so it didn’t matter. Here, it’s like everything is recorded in the history books and can’t be changed. That’s the scary part.”

Nico just shrugs. He wonders what kind of school Jason went to. “High school isn’t that much different from prison,” he says.

Jason shrugs in response. “Depends on how you look at it. It can’t be all that bad. I did meet my girlfriend there. And a few of my close friends. So there’s that.”

Jason, Nico is realizing, is a lot like Will. And he almost doesn’t mind. It’s been two weeks so far, and they haven’t run into any major issues. They hang out together, eat together, attempt to study together. Jason’s quieter than Will, more still. He doesn’t exude sunshine and love, but he’s still quick to call Nico out on things he doesn’t think are right.

It’s the beginning of the second week when Jason drops the bomb.

“So, that boyfriend of yours. Why do you never tell him stuff? I mean, I know you aren’t exactly the kind of person to share everything, but it seems like you two are pretty serious.” Nico shrugs. He feels a bit defensive about his and Theo’s relationship now. Has Jason been listening to his phone conversations?

Since moving to California, Theo has become a bit more distant. Which Nico expected. It’s not like they can hang out all the time, and they’re in different time zones now. Also, Theo doesn’t really like chatting on the phone, but Nico kind of misses hearing his voice. (So far, he’s called Theo three times.)

“And you never tell me about him,” Jason adds. Like Will, Jason also feels the need to share random things about his life. Like the fact that his and Piper’s first date was to the movies because Jason was too nervous to look her straight in the eye.

“He doesn’t like hearing all of it,” Nico says. “And most of it isn’t important. He’s also in college, so he knows most of the stuff.” He can’t help but think, though, that if he and Will were roommates, they’d still tell each other every little detail, every mundane thing.

“Yeah, but he’s your boyfriend. He’s supposed to care about this stuff. It’s like an unwritten rule.” He pauses. “I tell Piper everything. Even when I trim my toenails.” Nico makes a face. “You don’t have to tell him that much, but you didn’t even tell him about the party you went to this weekend. Or anything about me.”

“He’s been to parties,” Nico says, shrugging. He assumes that college parties have the same basic formula nationwide. He doesn’t tell Jason that Theo would hate the idea of Nico going to a party by himself, that he would jump at the chance to protect Nico, to make sure no one tried anything, that no one pressured Nico to drink. “He’s coming to visit in a few weeks, though. I’ll catch him up, then.”Jason nods like his work is done. Nico knows Jason’s a good friend, if not slightly overprotective. But Nico likes Jason. They get along pretty well, and Nico wonders if this is what Theo meant by college being the beginning of their lives.  
-  
Nico’s not sure how he ended up here, but he curses Jason for knowing his weaknesses. As promised, he’s handed a large coffee and a McDonald’s sausage biscuit. Jason rolls his eyes, and Nico already knows how Jason feels about fast food.

“This’ll be fun,” Jason says. It’s Labor Day weekend, and Jason’s dragging Nico to the beach. Theo was supposed to be visiting this weekend, but apparently, other plans came up, and he couldn’t get away. (Nico wonders how someone just throws a plane ticket away.)

“I don’t like the beach all that much,” Nico says. He’s been before, when he was younger. Will’s family loved going to the beach, and he was always invited. “I don’t like all of the sand.”

Jason rolls his eyes again. “You’re such a stick in the mud sometimes,” he says. Nico huffs. “Just one day. And if you don’t like it, I won’t bring you back.” Nico nods. He sips at his coffee, yawning. It’s way too early to be up, but Jason wanted to beat the long weekend rush.

Nico watches the scenery pass by. He hasn’t really gotten a chance to explore California yet. Partly because he doesn’t have a car, and he hasn’t figured out the public transportation. Partly because he doesn’t know where he wants to go. (Honestly, he’d been waiting for Theo to explore, but then Theo hadn’t shown up.)

“So, you’re a sophomore,” Nico says. Jason nods. He waits while Nico tries to figure out where he’s going with that. They’ve already done the usual Q&A at their hall meeting. Nico learned that Jason is from California, is an engineering major, loves cats. In turn, Nico had told him that he has an older sister, that he also loves cats, and that he moved to California for something new.

“Do you ever feel like you missed out on something in high school?” He’s not sure why he’s still so hung up on that question.

Jason shrugs. “Not really. I mean, I pretty much did everything I wanted to do. And I also did some things I didn’t want to do. Like, go to homecoming.” He laughs. “But I guess that’s life. Figuring out what you want to do and doing it.” Jason strikes Nico as someone who knows what they’re doing. Nico is definitely not that kind of person. He still has no idea what he wants to study. But anthropology is looking pretty cool right now.

“When did you figure your life out?” Nico asks.

Jason laughs. “Never. I’m still doing it.” He glances over at Nico. “You know college is about experimenting. Not like that,” he adds, looking at Nico’s face. “Like figuring out what you like. What you don’t. What makes you happy, what makes you never want to go to class. I know college is school, but it’s also just another phase of life. No one has anything figured out, trust me.”

Nico shrugs. “You seem like you do.”

Jason smiles. “Well, I’m glad I seem so well put together. You should ask Piper, though. She’ll tell you I’m a mess.” Nico laughs. He can’t imagine Jason being a mess. Jason who always seems to have the answers, who always seems to know what he’s doing. He supposes part of that could just be confidence, but Nico’s not sure.

Even though they left early, the beach is still pretty crowded. People have set up their chairs and umbrellas and are sunbathing even though it’s only nine in the morning. Nico yawns again. He hates getting up so early, especially since he worked so hard to make sure his classes weren’t at eight in the morning.

“Oh, I think I see Annabeth over there!” Jason says. Nico has no idea how he manages to spot the correct blond. Blond seems to be very trendy in California. But, sure enough, Jason tackles Percy to the ground, spraying sand everywhere. They get a few rude looks, but Jason shrugs them off.

“Hey, guys,” Annabeth says. She slaps Percy’s hand away from the picnic basket. “It’s only nine. At least wait until ten thirty or something.” Percy pouts. “Where’s Piper?”

“She had a paper she needed to finish, so she’s arriving later.” Annabeth nods. She turns to Nico, smiling.

“I see we got the prince of darkness out of his vampire cave,” Percy says.

“That doesn’t even make sense, Perce,” Jason says. Nico just rolls his eyes. He gets out plenty. He’s just more of a night person, preferring to chill out on the quad after dark instead of during the day.

Nico lays out his towel, plopping down. He stays underneath the umbrella, knowing that while he inherited olive skin, he hasn’t really been out in the sun in a while. Laughing, Jason slaps a hat over Nico’s head. They beg him to go into the water with them, but Nico just shakes his head.

He doesn’t know how long he stays there, but soon Piper’s shadow is falling over him. “Fall asleep?” she asks. Nico sits up, stretching out. He hadn’t planned on falling asleep, but the sound of the waves put him right to sleep. He dusts sand off of his arms and legs. “Have we eaten yet?”

Nico shakes his head. Piper grins, opening up the cooler. She pulls out some lunch meat and bread. Nico leans over her shoulder, grabbing some cheese and a juice box. He makes his sandwich as Piper starts telling him a story about one of her professors. He’s only half listening because he’s just caught sight of Percy exiting the ocean. He’s never noticed how athletic Jason’s friends (his friends now) are.

Percy’s got the beginnings of a six-pack, and his arms are toned. Not to mention the sight of the water flying from his hair as Percy shakes his head like a dog. Nico rolls his eyes.

“Drool check,” Piper says, startling Nico. “And I thought you have a boyfriend.”

Nico nods. “I do. And I was just looking for them. Since I fell asleep.” Piper just nods.

“Well, don’t even think about it. That boy is serious about Annabeth.” Nico huffs.

“I know, Piper. Can’t a man just admire another man?” Piper hums, shrugging.

Jason kisses Piper’s cheek. They all sit down to eat their lunch. Percy’s rambling about jellyfish, and Annabeth is arguing his points.

“I don’t think a jellyfish wants to sting you,” Annabeth is saying. “And it’s not like I’m going to just let you brush up against a jellyfish.”

Percy pouts as he takes a giant bite of his sandwich. “I have to head back soon,” he says. “Got a group project meeting later. And I don’t want to smell like salt.”

Nico jumps at his chance. In just an hour, he ends up in the passenger seat of Annabeth’s car, Percy driving. Nico’s still not completely comfortable with Jason’s friends. It’s not that he doesn’t like them, he just doesn’t know them well enough yet.

“So, how’s your boyfriend?” Percy asks.

“He’s good,” Nico says. He doesn’t go into detail. He’s not really sure how Theo’s doing, but Theo keeps saying he’s good. He wishes he knew what Theo was doing, who he’d met, how his classes were. But Theo would just say that everything’s good and that he’s enjoying college.

“When do we get to meet him?” Nico shrugs. He doesn’t want to sound needy and ask Theo to reschedule, but he is worried that Theo might forget him or find someone better. He’s worried that when Theo talked about high school being temporary that he was also talking about Nico.

“Why is everyone so interested in Theo?” Nico asks.

Percy shrugs. “He’s your boyfriend. And we’re your friends. It’s natural to be interested in your friend’s life. Speaking of, any friends from high school?”

Nico shrugs. “Not really. I wasn’t really that popular.” He doesn’t mention that he wasn’t very interested in making new friends or keeping in contact with anyone. “High school wasn’t all that great.”

Percy hums. “I liked high school. Of course, I was also the star swimmer. And a pretty cool guy. So I guess that makes things a bit different.” Nico shrugs. He can imagine Percy being the popular guy. He bets that he how attracted someone as amazing as Annabeth.

They fall into silence as Nico runs out of things to say. They get back mid-afternoon, and Nico has no idea what to do. So he flops onto his bed and tries to call Theo. After the third voicemail, he shuts off his phone and heads to the dining hall. It’s hard not to be needy when it feels like his boyfriend is ignoring him.  
-  
Theo shakes Jason’s hand before whisking Nico out of the room. He’s got Nico against the door, covering him in kisses before Nico can even process it’s happening. “I’ve missed you so much, baby,” Theo says. “So much. If your roommate weren’t in, I’d have you naked in that bed already.”

Nico shivers, but it’s not from arousal. He’s never seen Theo this hungry before, almost growling. He peels himself away, suggesting that they go eat somewhere. He thought that maybe he’d be flattered that Theo’s all over him, but he’s not. It doesn’t scare him, but it makes him feel crowded. He’s not used to having someone attached to him at all times.

“Where have you been?” Theo asks. “Have you been to the beach?” Nico nods. He tells them about their beach trip a few weeks ago, making it sound like he was more involved than he was. Theo nods, commenting that the beaches must be pretty.

They end up in a Chinese restaurant, though neither of them really like Chinese food. Nico just needs to stop walking and talking. He feels tired, although he got over ten hours of sleep last night and he was perfectly fine just an hour ago.

While they wait for their food, they have a chopstick competition. Then they talk about the people who pass by their window. Theo points out their clothing or their hair or how they walk. Nico’s not in the mood for it, so he just nods and makes a comment when it looks like Theo’s getting bored.

He doesn’t remember hanging out with Theo being so much work.

They walk around town, seeing sights that Nico hasn’t seen before. He pretends to know stuff about them, pulling out phrases he’s read in travel books and on signs. Theo seems impressed enough, and Nico’s starting to feel better about their relationship.

He’s feeling even better when they find his room empty, and then Theo’s shoving Nico into the bed and nipping at his neck. They’re heavily into making out when Jason walks in. His cheeks are red as he apologizes. Theo backs off, not quite cuddling with Nico. He more like leans into Nico’s side as he listens to Jason talk.

Nico thinks that their relationship feels so different. Like what they had only fit back home. Not here in California. He wonders if he should have gone back home instead of asking Theo to come out. But he also wanted Theo to see how nice California was. He wanted to share his new life with Theo. He thinks that maybe they’ve just fallen out of their groove.

So they go out to movies and eat out at restaurants. They sort of cuddle in Nico’s bed and hang out with Jason’s friends. But Nico can tell that Theo likes it better when it’s just the two of them.

“Do you like it out here?” Theo asks.

Nico nods. “Yeah, it’s growing on me.” Theo smiles, kissing his cheek.

“I think I’m not going to transfer next year,” he says. “It’s nice here, but I’ve made new friends and know people there.” Nico nods slowly. He’d completely forgotten about their idea of transferring. “If you wanted, you could transfer back home.”

Nico shrugs. Maybe last year he would have wanted to, but now he doesn’t want to. He likes it here with Jason and Percy and Piper and Annabeth.

“I don’t know,” Nico says. Theo nods. His hand snakes under Nico’s shirt as he pulls Nico closer. “I’m starting to like it here.”

Theo nibbles at his neck. “Think about it, okay?” Nico makes a noncommittal sound.

He’s almost relieved when Theo boards the plane back home.

“So, that’s the boyfriend?” Jason asks. Nico nods, expecting Jason to nod back. “He’s not what I was imagining.”

“What do you mean?” Nico asks. He knows he hasn’t told Jason much about Theo, but he didn’t think Jason was that invested in his love life. He just wants one person to approve of his boyfriend. Is that too much to ask?

“I just mean you’re so weird around him. Like he stomps on your vibe or something.” Jason pauses which means he’s thinking of some fancy way of explaining what he’s trying to say. “It just feels like you’re holding your breath around him.” Nico scoffs.

“He takes my breath away,” he shoots back. Jason just shrugs.

“Personally, I like breathing. But it’s your life. Suit yourself, man.”

Nico doesn’t understand what Jason means until just before Christmas break. The semester has gone well, and he and Jason are planning on moving into an apartment near campus together. (He’s so ready to leave these dorms.) Nico’s only got one more exam left. Theo calls him when he’s studying for his last final.

Looking back, he should have known it wasn’t good. Theo hated calling people.

“Hey, baby,” Theo says. Nico smiles. Studying for finals is stressful. He’s glad for this break. “Hey, um, I’m just calling to say that I think we should break up. You know, you’re great, Nico. Super great.” There’s a pause. “But I’ve been kind of seeing this guy, and I think he’s really the one. The one, you know? Nico?”

Nico feels like he can’t breathe. “You’re cheating on me?” is all Nico can get out.

“Not really. That’s kind of why we’re breaking up,” Theo says. His voice is even, like he’s thought about this for a while. Like it doesn’t really bother him at all. Nico wonders if he was seeing this guy over Thanksgiving break when he claimed to have a cold and could only see Nico for a few hours at a time. Nico should have known something was happening.

“We’re over, then,” he says slowly. He doesn’t wait for Theo’s answer. He just hangs up. He thinks he should cry, but he can’t bring himself to. He doesn’t seem to care enough. More like relief, like he’s been waiting for this for a while, and it’s just finally happened.

Nico glances over at Jason who is pretending to be hunched over a book. He doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath until he’s let it out. He doesn’t realize how good it feels to be breathing.

“Want to order some pizza?” Jason asks. Nico nods, smiling.


	12. getting better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting better.
> 
> (Will's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: implied/mention of past self-harm
> 
> ESA - emotional support animal

“I think that’s the last of it,” Reyna says. She sets a box down on what is now Will’s bed, smiling. “Want to unpack it now or get some dinner?”

Will kind of wants to unpack right now, but he knows that Reyna’s probably hungry. They’ve spent the better part of their weekend moving all of his stuff into her - their - apartment, and Will feels so relieved to be away from Luke. While Reyna was bringing up the last box, he was making his bed and setting out a family photo on his nightstand.

“You’re all so freaking handsome,” Reyna had said when she first saw it. “Seriously, what kind of family has genes this good?” Will had only shrugged.

“There’s a good pizza place down the street, right?” Will asks, trying to remember all of the places Reyna’s told him about. Her apartment was within walking distance to campus, so that was nice. But it was also close to a bus stop if he wanted to go downtown.

“Yup. We can pick up your mom and eat. I’m starving.” Will smiles, glad he guessed right. Not that there was much guesswork with Reyna. If she was hungry, she’d tell you. And if she didn’t like it, everyone knew.

Mama had come to help Will move his stuff in and make sure that Reyna was a suitable roommate. Will knew she already approved of Reyna, but she felt guilty for leaving him in Luke’s hands last semester. And, luckily, Reyna seemed to like Will’s mom.

She’s waiting with the car (so it doesn’t get towed), and they go get pizza. Will’s glad for a circular table so he doesn’t have to decide who he sits next to. He’s never been to this restaurant before, and he’s a little nervous that he might run into someone he knows since it’s so close to campus. But they’re also early enough that it’s mostly elderly people and people with kids.

“Want to split a pizza?” Reyna asks. “We could get an appetizer to split.” Will nods. He hates having to give his order. He knows that that’s how some types of restaurants work, but he still feels a bit weird about the whole dynamic.

“So, you’re studying social services?” Mama asks. Reyna nods, launching into a brief explanation about what she wants to do with her life. While it sounds like she’s got it all figured out, Reyna’s confessed to Will that while the path she’s laid out is the most traveled, she’s not sure she wants to follow it. “And you two met in your English class?”

Will nods. He hasn’t told her about the anxiety attack in the cafeteria, but he’s since confessed to everything else. He knows however embarrassing and weak it sounds, his mom would never judge him for it. He feels better now, too, knowing that he’s not intentionally lying to his family. And he’s also relieved that they didn’t force him to go back to therapy, but Mama did make a point that Will needed to be honest with his bi-monthly check-ins. (She specified that he didn’t have to tell her right away, but she wanted to make sure he wasn’t bottling things up.)

“I think your son is going to be a writer,” Reyna’s saying now. “Seriously, he wrote his essay in two hours and got an A. I could definitely never do that.” Mama smiles as Will blushes. He’s unused to praise even though his family is sometimes over the top about encouragement and support.

“Practice from all of those letters,” Will says slowly. He tries to say it lightly, but it falls a little short. He’s still working on how to make good small talk. “And the professors here are really good at helping their students.” Reyna nods at this.

She and Mama continue talking while Will just listens. He doesn’t know how he’s gotten so lucky to have found a friend like Reyna. After he broke down last semester, they had a long talk about their friendship and where they were both coming from. Since then, Will’s been opening up about Nico. It also feels good to get that off his chest. Because Reyna’s someone who’s never met Nico, so it gives Will a chance to look at his and Nico’s friendship through a fresh pair of eyes.

“Hey, Will,” Mama says softly. Will blinks, focusing back on the conversation. “Food’s here.” Will smiles as the pizza is set down between them. The breadsticks are long gone, and Will’s appetite is back. They each grab a slice, silent now that they’re eating.

“I’m going to get a cat, Mama,” Will says softly. He and Reyna have been discussing it, but he hasn’t told his mom yet. She looks surprised for a moment before smiling.

“You’ve always wanted a cat.” Will nods.

“I’ve been doing some research, and I think it could help me, too, you know. Being able to take care of a pet and whatnot.” Mama smiles at him.

“I think a cat would be wonderful.” She looks at Reyna. “You’re not allergic, are. You?”

Reyna shakes her head. “Nope. I’ve wanted a cat, too, but my mom always moved around too much for us to have a pet.” Mama nods.

“You’ll have to send us pictures when you get them,” Mama says. “I know your siblings will be jealous.” Will laughs. He knows that they all used to beg their parents for a dog or a bird when they were younger. But Will was the one who wanted a cat.

“I want to take you two out for dessert,” Mama says when they finish up their meal. Reyna insists on paying, and neither Will or Naomi can convince her otherwise.

“Ice cream!” Will says. Reyna rolls her eyes. They already have two tubs of ice cream in the freezer along with several cases of juice boxes and a box of popcorn. Both of them have confessed that they aren’t really good at cooking, but they promised each other that they’d start learning. So far, Will’s perfect scrambled eggs, and Reyna can make good pancakes.

They walk to Will’s favorite ice cream place, a local shop that has a cow painted on the door. Reyna leads them to a quiet courtyard after they get their scoops to eat. Will leans against his mom’s side, not embarrassed in front of Reyna. She’s seen him at much worse in the span of their short friendship. (And they’ve established many times over that it’s not being clingy or needy to need help and comfort.)

“I’m glad you took the leap of faith,” Mama says, kissing his forehead. She steals a bite from Will’s ice cream, and Will pretends to glare at her. “It was a little bumpy at first, but you’re making new friends and getting out. I trust you’re staying away from the frat parties?”

Reyna snorts at this. “Oh, you know Will. I’m always having to drag him away from the parties.” Will rolls his eyes. It’s nice to be joking around again, to know that he doesn’t have to be perfect or careful.

“Don’t trust her, Mama,” Will says grinning. “She’s the one that goes to parties.”

Reyna laughs. “Oh, yes. Because the Honors Society throws such wild parties.” Will shrugs. He knows no one there drinks anything stronger than club soda while they’re at the party, but he has heard a few wild stories. “They’re pretty boring, really. The games always become some kind of academic debate.” She shivers.  
Mama smiles, patting Will’s hand. “I’m really happy for you, Will. Are you happy?”

Will shrugs. “I think I’m getting there.”  
-  
Will’s visibly excited as Reyna parks the car. He can see her smiling as he carefully takes the cat crate from the backseat. “Go on inside,” she says, laughing. “I’ll get the stuff.” Will wants to protest, but he’s so excited he can hardly stand it. Because after a little bit of paperwork and some searching, he’s finally found a cat.

“This is your new home, Poppy,” Will announces proudly to the cat. She looks at him and meows, stretching out her paws. Will smiles at her. He knows she might be a little shy at first, but he doesn’t mind. She’s an orange tabby, a bit on the fluffier side, and Will adores her already. He picks her up, carrying her around the apartment as he gives her a tour. Once he lets her down, she curls up on his bed and meows again.

“Like it?” Will asks. “Reyna’s getting your things.”

As if on cue, Reyna drops the cat bed and litter box outside the doorway. Will moves to help her, arranging the litter box in the corner of the living room where they agreed it should go. He carries the bed into his room, leaving space for her food and water bowls and cat perch.

“She liking it here?” Reyna asks.

“Yup,” Will says. Once everything’s moved in, Poppy goes on another tour by herself. Will sits on the couch, watching as she makes herself at home. Her little bell jingles as she moves, and her tail swishes at his plants. “No touching my plants, though, Poppy.”

She meows at him, and Will hopes she understands. Reyna plops down on the couch beside Will. “I think she’ll be a great addition to our family. Have you sent your mom a picture?” Will sits up. He’s completely forgotten in his excitement. He grabs his phone from the coffee table and snaps a few quick pictures of Poppy sniffing at the fridge. He sends it in the family group chat.

Reyna leans against Will’s shoulder, smiling. “She really makes herself at home, doesn’t she?” Will laughs. Poppy’s now nestled in their empty fruit basket on the table. “I don’t know why we got her a bed. We already had one, clearly.” Will just shrugs. He doesn’t care as long as Poppy feels comfortable and safe.

As it turns out, Poppy is also good at helping Will feel comfortable and safe. Despite the night light in his room, he still has nightmares about being trapped in the closet, about Peter’s hands roaming his body, about things that never happened but could have happened.

He’s familiar with waking up in a cold sweat, his body shaking as he tries to pull himself out of the nightmare. Tonight, he’d dreamt that he and Peter were locked in that closet together. He can still feel the ghostly touch of Peter’s hands on him, traveling down, down, down. Will sits up, turning the lamp. He feels the warm lump by his legs moving.

Poppy climbs onto his chest, sticking her face really close to his face. Will reaches up slowly to pet her, smiling. “Hey,” he whispers. She nudges him with her nose before settling onto his chest. Will goes through the breathing exercises that Dr. Friedman taught him, counting softly out loud. He scratches Poppy’s ear, kneading it softly between his fingers. She butts him with her nose again.

“Thanks,” he whispers. Poppy doesn’t respond because she’s already fallen asleep. Will almost laughs. He settles back down, deciding to keep his lamp on. He closes his eyes, and then he’s asleep again.

The only bad thing about Poppy being an emotional support animal and not a service animal was that he wasn’t allowed to bring her to classes or to restaurants. The only public place she could go was on flights. But that was okay. When he was out, he had Reyna and some of Reyna’s friends. And he was getting better at calming himself down. (He’d managed to bring himself out of an anxiety attack the other day, and he’d been so proud of himself, he’d gotten himself ice cream.)

Poppy was also good to Reyna, helping her finish up a paper that was stressing her out. Will came home from his job at the library to find Reyna sleeping on the couch, Poppy curled up in her lap. Her laptop had fallen onto the couch. He moves it to the table, pulling a blanket over her legs. (He knows Reyna hates being cold.) Poppy opens her eyes to watch him as he gets some yogurt from the fridge.

“Poppy’s a lifesaver,” Reyna mumbles when Will sits down. She stretches, and Poppy moves to sit between them. “She totally just helped me finish my paper.”

Will smiles. “I didn’t know she was a scientist.” Reyna nudges him, snorting. Will knows Reyna’s paper is on something about microbes and bacteria, and while Reyna was smart, she absolutely hated writing papers.

“Seriously, I think this cat is the best idea I’ve ever had.” She reaches over to pat Poppy’s head. Will smiles. The internet had assured them that the ESAs could help multiple people, but Will hadn’t been so sure. And he didn’t want to be selfish and have Poppy only for himself since he knew how much Reyna loved cats.

“Well, you are super smart.” Reyna smiles at this.

“Yes, but even super smart people need best friends. And I’m pretty sure Poppy just replaced Leo.” Will rolls his eyes.

“Leo will be pretty upset by that.” Reyna shrugs.

“He’s got that lizard of his, so he should understand.” Will nods. They both knew how serious Leo was about his pet lizard, Festus. Will was pretty sure that Leo would want to be buried by Festus when he died. Reyna shifts so she can look at Will. “Want to try making that chicken whatever or just order Chinese?”

Will grins. “Chinese.” Reyna smiles back.  
-  
You know what we haven’t done yet?” Reyna asks one morning. It’s one of those rare days when both of them have the day free. So far, they’ve had a lazy morning of eating cereal on the couch and attempting to play video games (Reyna’s not very good).

“Gone skydiving?” Will says. “But I don’t want to do that.”

Reyna rolls her eyes. “Gone to the beach.” Will nods slowly. It’s on his bucket list (and so far he hasn’t really crossed off too much). But he’s feverous about the crowds. Especially now that it’s better weather for going to the beach. It’s sunny and not too hot.

“Nope,” Will says. He’d been planning on reading and getting ahead on some of his homework today. And cuddle with Poppy.

“Wanna go? I know the best one,” Reyna says. She’s already standing up, tying her hair back in a braid. Will still has no idea how she does it so fast and without looking. He’d probably tie her hair in a knot (the bad kind). She takes their bowls to the sink, rinsing them out. He hears the click of the dishwasher opening. “We might not have another chance until spring break,” she adds.

“I’m going home for spring break.” Reyna nods. He already has his ticket. He’s both excited and nervous. It’s been so long since he’s seen all of his family in one place. (Okay, he saw them over Christmas break, but that was a few weeks ago.)

“Even more reason why we should go now.” She pauses. “Trust me. You’ll like this beach.”

Will sighs, nodding. He trusts Reyna, so he gets up. She calls out stuff he should get while she riffles through her drawers to find a bathing suit. Will finds a bathing suit from two years ago, wincing as he tries it on. Because he’s actually lost weight at college, it still fits. Although, he’d rather not make his beach debut in sunshine swim trunks, but he supposes it’s okay.

Reyna smiles. “Nice shorts. And it sort of matches with my swimsuit.” Will raises his eyebrows. The only thing that matches is the yellow of the sunshines and the occasional yellow stripe on Reyna’s swimsuit. But Will just shrugs. She hands him a tube of sunscreen, and he spreads it over his skin.

“See you later, Poppy.” He checks her food and water bowls to make sure she’s got enough to last her the day. Then he scoops out her litter box and kisses her head. “We’ll be back later. Be good.”

Reyna blows her a kiss, and they’re gone.

He hums along to the radio as they drive. None of the street signs look familiar, but it’s not like he’s really been out and about. His daily paths are pretty routine, and he hardly ever mixes it up. Lulled by the motion of the car, he falls asleep with his head against the window.

When he wakes up, Reyna’s announcing that they’ve made it. Will’s pretty sure they’ve made a wrong turn. Because they’re parked outside some grand house that looks empty. The beach stretches out behind it, warm and inviting. Will thinks for a moment that Reyna must live here, but the house is definitely empty. No furniture in sight.

“Where are we? You’re not kidnapping me, are you?”

Reyna rolls her eyes. “No. My mom’s a realtor. This is one of her houses that she’s supposed to be selling. Only, she doesn’t really want to sell it. And she technically owns it right now.” Reyna smiles. “It’s a great house and all, but the beach is the best part of it.”

Will follows her around the house. He can’t imagine living in something so big and grand. Living next to something so big and grand. The ocean is a deep blue, and the sand looks like it’s hardly been touched. He takes off his shoes, smiling at the rough feeling of the sand between his toes. This is so much better than those lake beaches. He laughs, throwing his stuff down and stepping into the water. He can feel Reyna watching him, but he doesn’t care.

“Nice?” Will can just nod. There are little pieces of seashells lining the edge of the water, and Will sifts through them, trying to find a whole one. He gives up after a moment, deciding just to build a sandcastle instead. “It’s hard to believe that you’ve never been to the beach,” Reyna says.

“I don’t live near one,” Will says. Reyna shrugs.

“I know, but you guys drive to the lake and call it the beach. It’s just weird to me.” After being here, Will can’t help but agree. “I mean, I know not everyone can make it to the beach. But I pretty much grew up here.”

She pulls off her shirt, laying down on a towel. She dumps out her bag, tossing a shovel and bucket towards Will. He grins, adding onto his sandcastle. It’s pretty obvious which part he made with his hands, so he tears it down and rebuilds it.

“Need some decor?” Reyna asks. She holds up a handful of seashell pieces and some sticks. Will nods, and she presses them gently into the sand.

“It’s magical here,” Will breathes. It smells like salt and freshness and a little like fish.

“There’s another beach that’s almost as good as this one,” Reyna says, “but it gets way more crowded.” Will nods, a little overwhelmed by how thoughtful Reyna is. Because he knows that there are probably many amazing beaches around.

They add a little town beside Will’s castle and make little shell people. Will giggles with the absurdity of it, but he’s never done this before. And better late than never. He reminds them to drink water and reapplies his sunscreen when he starts to feel hot.

“Lunch?” Reyna asks. She pulls out lunchmeat and cheese sticks and juice boxes, laying them out like a little picnic. Will digs in, not realizing how hungry he is. He stands by his theory that the sun absorbs his energy just to shine brighter. He sits back, letting his stomach rest before he goes out into the water.

“Nico and I were going to go to the beach,” Will says softly. He’s not sure why he’s bringing it up. “We had planned a road trip, and the destination was the beach.” He shrugs.

Reyna takes her time answering. “What would you do if he came back into your life?” So far, Reyna’s stood by her decision that Nico was an inconsiderate jerk who had no more room in Will’s life. She’d said half as much.

“I don’t know,” Will says honestly. “I guess it depends on why he came back.”

“Would you give him another chance?” she asks.

Will nods after a moment. All he’s ever wanted was for he and Nico to be friends again. And Nico might not have been the best friend towards the end, but Will still believes in him. He knows part of that was Theo being a jerk and manipulating Nico. But that doesn’t make it hurt less that Nico ditched him.

“He’s still my friend,” Will says. “Whether or not he wants to be. I’ve forgiven him.”

Reyna nods, humming. “If he does come back, Will, just be careful, okay?” Will nods. He stands up, stretching.

“Race me to the water?” He’s already running that way, laughing as Reyna calls that it’s not fair. He splashes into the water, the coolness startling him a bit. Reyna splashes beside him. He lets the waves hit his calves as he stands there. Standing beside Reyna, it’s clear that he’s not as tan or as in shape as he used to be. He’s still thin only because he’s lost muscle, and his freckles stand out against his skin. (And his scars.)

“What would you do if a jellyfish stung me?” Reyna asks.

Will raises his eyebrows. “I’d rush you to the hospital,” he says. “Because I read somewhere that peeing on you isn’t really all that effective.”

Reyna laughs. “Well, I’m glad I’m in such good hands. I would’ve peed on you.” She shrugs. Will rolls his eyes. After a while, Will sits down in the water. He gets a mouthful when a particularly large wave comes his way, and Reyna laughs before getting him some fresh water to drink.

“That is disgusting,” Will says. Reyna just nods. “It tasted like super salty fish.”

“Could have been worse. Could have tasted like fish pee.” Will must look horrified because Reyna cackles.

It’s almost six when they decide to head home. Will’s having trouble keeping his eyes open, and he thinks he’s gotten a little sunburnt on the back of his neck. Reyna helps him apply some lotion before they get in the car. They drive through a Wendy’s on the way home, and Will munches on the fries.

“Thanks,” he whispers. He’s not sure why he whispers, but the evening feels quiet, and Reyna’s no longer singing along with the radio. “For being my friend. And for taking me to the beach.”

Reyna smiles. “I know it’s barely been a year,” she says, glancing at him, “but I think I love you.”

It takes Will a moment to see that she’s partially joking. “I think I love you, too,” he whispers back. Reyna winks at him. He pauses, taking in a few breaths. “Have you ever dated anyone before?”

Reyna shakes her head. “Never met anyone I wanted to,” she says. “But if I had to date someone, I’d pick you. Because you’d be the sweetest boyfriend a girl could have.”

“Or boy,” Will adds softly.

“Or boy,” Reyna agrees. Will smiles. He’s still struggling a little with the idea of being bisexual, even though he knows that’s what he is. This is one of the first times he’s said it out loud since he went back into the closet. He wonders if Reyna’s suspected. Though he hasn’t really had his eyes on anyone. He’s still trying to get over Nico.

“So, if I don’t find anyone in ten years, can I live with you?”

“Only if you bring Poppy,” Reyna shoots back. Will huffs, and Reyna giggles. “I’ll even let you pay rent.” Will rolls his eyes. They stop to get ice cream from McDonald’s, and Will can’t believe only a few months ago, he wanted to end it all.  
-  
Spring break brings Will home. He’s left Reyna with instructions on how to take care of his plants, but he’s brought Poppy with him. As soon as he walks through the door, his siblings are all over his cat. He’s partially glad because he’s not used to people swarming him. But he’s also a little offended.

“Hey,” he says. Mama comes over, kissing his forehead.

“We’ve missed you so much,” she says. “You’ve even got fresh sheets on your bed.” Will smiles. Dad comes over and ruffles his hair before pulling him into a hug.

“Need a haircut?” he asks. Will shrugs. Reyna’s commented on that, too, and Will does admit that he at least needs it trimmed. “I could do it for free. A nice buzz cut.”

Will shakes his head. “No buzzcut. I don’t want to look bald.” Dad laughs, shaking his head. They all gather in the living room, everyone talking at the same time. It stirs up Will’s anxiety a bit as he’s not used to it, but he soon relaxes with Poppy in his lap and the familiar voices around him.

He tells them about Reyna and going to the beach and his classes. His brothers fill him in on their college experiences. Lee’s got a girlfriend now, and Michael’s got his eye on someone. Kayla’s been accepted into the honors program at the high school, and Austin’s attempting to start a band.“Does that mean practice sessions?” Mama asks. “Because they will not be taking place at this house. It’s already loud enough here.”

Austin just shrugs. “Well, we can’t do it at Greg’s house, and Kevin lives in an apartment.” Mama waves away the rest of the conversation for later. With the timezone difference, Will finds himself wide awake when everyone else goes to bed. Austin’s music is still loud enough to hear, though, so Will contents himself with trying to guess what the song is.

Everyone seems to have their own plans for spring break, using home as a home base of sorts. So Will finds himself going into the bakery with his mom. He falls back into the rhythm of making cookies and pastries and brownies. He gets to choose the music, and he even manages to make some small talk with some of the customers.

“You seem happier,” Mama says, smiling. They’re taking a break, eating cookies and having hot chocolate even though it’s spring. “Do you feel happier?”

Will thinks back to the past few weeks, of going to the beach with Reyna, of playing cards with Leo, his phone calls home. He does feel lighter recently. Things aren’t perfect, and he’s definitely not the same person he was sophomore year of high school, but things are better.

“Yeah, I think so.” He smiles. Even though his birthday isn’t any time soon, he already knows what he wants. He wants to go to the beach for at least a weekend. A real beach.

“I take it you really liked the beach. You’re a little tanner since I last saw you,” Mama says. Will smiles, recounting again how amazing it was. “And how’s the food?”

“Pretty good. Not as amazing as your home-cooking, but it’s close.” Mama smiles.

“I trust you’re not eating ice cream every night for dinner.” Will laughs. He wishes he could, but then he’d have to start working out for real. He considers walking to and from classes as his daily exercise, even though Reyna’s been asking him to join her for yoga.

“I wish. But Reyna and I are trading off who has to make dinner. Right now, we’re eating a lot of breakfast stuff.” Mama rolls her eyes.

“Remind me to teach you how to make stir-fry while you’re here,” she says. Will nods. They’ve tried some easy dinners, but they always seem to fall back on eggs or pancakes or waffles or just going to the dining hall. “And if you want, you can take one of my cookbooks back.”

Which is how he finds himself over the stove with the rest of his family hovering around him. He doesn’t know why his cooking lesson has turned into a family gathering, but it has. Only Michael’s absent because he’s out with friends right now.

“Don’t you have homework to do?” Dad asks Austin and Kayla. They’re sitting at the kitchen table, pretty much staring at Will. He’s starting to get nervous that he’ll do something wrong or accidentally slice his finger. The last time he was home, all of the sharp objects had been hidden from him.

“Yeah, but aren’t life lessons the ones that need learning the most?” Austin asks.

Will finishes chopping up the peppers and carrots. He dumps them in with the rest of the vegetables. Earlier, he’d had to figure out what vegetables everyone in the family would eat without complaining. Since his cooking lesson doubled as their dinner for the night.

“Don’t burn anything,” Kayla calls, and Will glances at his mom. She just pats his hand, telling him to stir the vegetables a little. He tries to memorize the steps so that he can make this for Reyna when he gets back. She’s texted him a few times over the break, complete with pictures of her lounging on the beach and eating pizza. She also asks for pictures of Poppy.

With nothing special planned for spring break, Will just lets him go with his family whenever they go out. He goes to the movies and goes bowling. He turns down going to the mall for fear that he’ll see someone from high school. Kayla and Austin still have school, so he mostly hangs out with his older brothers.

All in all, spring break goes too quickly for him, and then he’s boarding a plane to go back to California. Reyna texts him with a countdown. First a picture of a couch. And then a picture of a blanket. Then a movie. A few juice boxes. A pizza. She picks Will up at the airport, catching him up on her spring break.

“Was it good?” she asks. Will nods, giving her the major points. He’d only had one attack when he thought he saw Peter at the movies. “And how’s Poppy?” Poppy doesn’t answer because she’s sleeping. Will laughs when Reyna tries to get Poppy’s attention, but the cat ignores her.

True to Reyna’s texts, a movie and pizza are waiting. They settle on the couch, Will exhausted from the flight and the time change. He eats two slices of pizza before leaning against Reyna’s shoulder. Poppy’s sleeping on the back of the couch, her tail resting against Will’s neck.

If he closes his eyes, he can almost imagine that it’s Nico next to him. But then he stops. Because Nico left him. And it’s not fair to Reyna who’s a great friend. And it’s not fair to Poppy who’s such a great cat. So Will tells himself to live in the moment. He hears a soft snore and laughs at the thought that Reyna’s fallen asleep before him. He’d tease her about it, but then he’s falling asleep, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last update on this before vacation :) at least this one is happier haha


	13. neighbors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico plant-sits and figures out who his neighbors are.
> 
> (Nico's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: mention of suicide, mention of self-harm, mention of bullying, kind of suicide letters? but not really
> 
> please let me know if I need to tag anything else :)
> 
> a bit of a shorter chapter, but most of this was written out beforehand, and I couldn't figure out how to make it too much longer without going on a tangent

It’s spring semester when he finally moves from a crappy dorm to a crappy apartment. Jason’s been saving up to get a place, and Nico agrees to pull his share of the load. He can’t help but think of how different from high school college is and maybe if Theo were right. (If only Theo were here. Not that Nico thinks he needs a boyfriend.)

“So, no boyfriend?” Jason asks when Nico comes home late one night. Nico just throws a pillow at Jason. He’s taking a small break from boys, deciding that maybe he just needs to figure out what he wants before he goes back into the dating game again. He has yet to cry over Theo, and he can tell it’s scaring Jason a bit. Jason pats the pillow Nico just threw at him. “Sit. Talk.”

Nico grabs a soda before sitting down, propping his feet up on the coffee table that doubles as a footrest. “What do you want to talk about?”

Jason shrugs. “Life. School. That party. Why your sister handed you a box of junk.” Nico groans and then laughs.

“Bianca thinks I’m going to make a scrapbook or something one day. And I’ll need all of that junk to put in it.” It secretly pleases him that Jason also thinks the box is junk. Bianca had mailed him a care package about two weeks into the spring semester. There were some cookies and candy and coupons, but there was also random junk from his room that he’d left behind. Action figures, old books, random pieces of mail, an award from third grade. Nico hasn’t really dug into it yet.

“Sounds useful. We could also use it to make a fire. Just in case, you know.” Nico rolls his eyes. They don’t have a fireplace and fires aren’t allowed outside of those. Safety regulations and all that. “I could see you making a scrapbook, though. You have that artist vibe.”

Nico rolls his eyes again. He’s majoring in business, and he doesn’t have a minor figured out yet. He’s thinking about English or psychology. He’s never really considered art before. Sighing, he stands up, grabbing the box from the kitchen table.

“I guess better now than never. Here, help me sort this stuff out.” He dumps it onto the floor, hoping nothing is breakable. The papers fan out, spilling a bit under the couch. Nico sighs again as he looks at all of the stuff. Jason drags over a trash bag. Everything worth keeping goes back in the box. Everything else goes in the trash.

“It’s like she just ransacked your room,” Jason says.

Nico rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe she sent me my elementary school projects. These things are awful. Look, I put the turkey’s face on the wrong finger.”

Jason laughs, holding up Nico’s messed up turkey. “It’s a unique turkey. I bet no one else would have thought of that.”

They fall into a comfortable silence as they sort through the things. Occasionally, Jason will make a plea for one of Nico’s art projects or a poster that he used to have hanging in his room. Nico’s a bit horrified how deep into his closet Bianca’s been. There are his academic medals from elementary school, a swimming certificate that says he’s allowed in the deep end of the pool, a Mythomagic action figure, a Pokémon card (even though Nico’s never played Pokémon).

“Hey, who’s this?” Jason asks. He’s holding a stack of photos, flipping through them while Nico wonders how he ever had time to make so many art projects. “The blond guy? It’s the same guy, right? You don’t just have a thing for blond guys.”

All Nico can think is that blond guys aren’t his type, but he doesn’t say that. Because Jason’s blond. He freezes when he looks at the pictures. He looks over Jason’s shoulders, not surprised at all to find Will’s face staring back at him. They’re from the years: him and Will blowing bubbles, him and Will dressed as cats for Halloween, the two of them at the county fair, the two of them on the first day of middle school, making popcorn, asleep on Nico’s bed, the two of them laughing, etc..

“That’s Will,” Nico says, managing to keep his voice even. Even after everything, it still hurts a little when he thinks of how messed up everything got in high school. Even if it wasn’t really his fault. Jason doesn’t push it, and Nico shoves the photos into an envelope. He wants to get rid of them, burn them, burn the evidence. But he can’t bring himself to. So he just slides them into the box, deciding he’ll deal with them later.

“Is this the same Will?” Jason asks softly. He’s holding an unopened envelope, one of those yellow ones that can hold a lot of paper. And it’s clear that it’s possibly holding a lot of paper from the bulge. On the front, in Will’s awful handwriting, is both of their names. Nico’s is front and center, a dark ‘I’m sorry’ written underneath. Like the pictures, Nico can’t seem to throw it away, so he shoves it into the box.

He finishes clearing out the box, packing everything back into it. He’s managed to get rid of at least half of it (he’d have thrown away more if Jason weren’t so sentimental). He knows Bianca will be disappointed, and he can’t help but feel a bit disappointed, too. Maybe his whole life so far has lacked meaning if it’s all ending up in a trash bag.

“Is that the last of it?” Jason asks as he tosses some certificates into the trash. Nico nods. He finishes his soda, standing up. Then he carries the box into his room, shoves it into the back of his closet, and forgets about it.  
-  
Nico can’t help thinking that spring semester is basically a rerun of fall semester. The only difference is that he lives in an apartment and has a job. So on a Saturday morning, the last thing he wants is to be woken up by someone knocking on the door. He wants to wait for Jason to get it when he remembers that Jason is spending the night at Piper’s and won’t be back until later. Grumbling, he pulls on some pants and answers the door.

A girl is standing outside, a bored look on her face. But even bored, she still looks like she could run a knife through Nico’s heart without even flinching.

“Can I help you?” Nico asks. He’d have better manners later in the day, but he can tell this girl wants something. “I don’t have any money.”

“Are you allergic to plants?” she asks ignoring his statement. Nico shakes his head. “Will you be around this weekend?” Nico nods slowly. He can feel that he’s getting himself into something, and he kind of wishes he’d lied. But he really doesn’t have anything else to do.

“I’m not buying any plants,” Nico adds. The girl huffs.

“I’m asking you to plant-sit. No money involved.” She pauses. “I’m your neighbor, and I’m leaving this afternoon. I would have asked my friend, but he’s also gone this weekend. So I’m a bit desperate.” Nico thinks she looks anything but desperate.

“It’s just the weekend, though,” Nico says. He doesn’t know much about plants, but he knows that they live outside where it doesn’t always rain every day. The girl sighs.

“I know, but he’s really attached to these plants. It’s either you take care of them, or I’m driving home with six plants in my backseat. Look, I just need you to water them. And maybe talk to them. It’ll take maybe thirty minutes a day. I’ll pay you.” She crosses her arms now.

“I’m Nico,” he says. The girl smiles, her grin sharp.

“Reyna.” Now that she’s said that, Nico thinks he’s seen her around. He didn’t know she lived next door, though. “So, is that a yes? Because I think he might kill me if I disturb his plants. And he’ll definitely kill me if they die.”

Nico wonders what kind of people he lives next to if they’re going to kill someone over a dead plant. He sure hopes these are the super expensive types of plants that basically eat gold. “How much?” He already knows he’ll do it, even if she pays him a quarter per plant.

“Twenty dollars.” Nico nods. “Great. Thanks. You can get dressed and come over and see them if you want. He’s got instructions. It’s pretty easy.” She shuts the door for him, and Nico has no idea what’s just happened. But how hard can it be to take care of plants? He gets dressed, making himself a cup of coffee before going over. It’s only once he’s in the hallway that he has no idea which neighbor Reyna is. He’s not sure she’s the type for a welcome mat, though, so he goes with the door without. Fortunately, she answers.

“Okay, so they’re all out here,” Reyna says. “And here are the instructions. The measuring cups are laid out on the counter, and you shouldn’t have to fertilize them this weekend. Just water and move them like it says. And talk to them. Nothing particular. Just something nice. They like classic rock if you’re into that, too.”

Nico looks at the plants. Most of them are green and leafy and clearly well-cared for. Some of them, he thinks, are herbs. He’s honestly not much of a plant expert, so he has no idea which plants are which. He also notices a litter box in the corner of the room, and he half expects a cat to come striding out of nowhere.

Nico thinks his neighbor might be crazy. “Yeah, okay, I got it. But which plants are which?”

“They’re labeled,” she says, pointing, and Nico feels a bit like an idiot. They all have handmade stickers in a sloping handwriting that Nico doesn’t recognize. Nico bends down so he can see the stickers better. Reyna’s pointing to an orchid. “Oh, and here’s the spare key. I’m trusting you, so don’t mess this up. If you need anything, call me.”

Nico’s pretty sure she might kill him if these plants so much as wilt. “Why’re they so important? I mean, is your friend a botanist?”

Reyna shakes her head. “He’s an English major. But he prefers plants to people. Come back over around one or two. I’ll be gone by then.” It’s not much of an answer, but Nico doesn’t push. Reyna dismisses him without so much as a word, and Nico realizes only when he’s back in his own apartment that he never got her number.

“What’s that?” Jason asks. He points to the paper in Nico’s hand.

“Plant instructions. I’m plant-sitting this weekend.” Jason grins.

“Are they cute plants?” Nico shrugs. He’s not sure what qualifies a plant as cute. He’s not even sure how plant instructions can cover an entire page, typed.

“You can come over with me. I’m supposed to go over this afternoon.” Part of him just wants to not do this alone, go into his crazy neighbor’s apartment and talk to her friend’s plants. He wonders how he’s never met Reyna before, but he realizes that he can’t pick out any of his neighbors in a lineup, even though they probably all go to the same school with him.

“I’d love to go see cute plants,” Jason says.  
-  
Jason does come over with him. And he spends the first ten minutes searching for the cat. “I don’t think he’s here, Jace. I mean, they didn’t ask me to watch a cat. Just the plants.” He’s just finished watering all of them, using the special water on the counter so as to not hurt the more delicate plants. Now he’s got to talk to them. “What do you think I’m supposed to say?”

Jason shrugs, sitting on the floor. “Tell them about your day. Introduce yourself. They might think you’re a stranger.”

Nico rolls his eyes. “I am a stranger. And these are plants. I kind of wish I got stuck with the cat.” He sighs, turning to look at the plants as a group. Is he supposed to shake their leaves like people shake hands? “Um, hi. I’m Nico. The plant-sitter, I guess.”

He feels absolutely ridiculous, but Jason is delighted. He shakes their leaves gently, waving to them as he introduces himself. “I can see why our neighbor might like this. It’s relaxing,” Jason says. Nico shrugs. It’s still weird to him. He’s not the type to name cars or kitchenware or anything. And he’s never had a pet. “Just pretend like they’re your best friend.”

“That’s really sad, Jason,” Nico says. “Besides, I have you.” Jason grins, moving to hug Nico. Nico rolls his eyes, finishing up his introduction by giving the plants a weather report. He thinks he might have to start planning what he’s going to say to these plants. He grabs Jason’s arm, dragging him away from the basil and mint, freezing when a familiar face catches his eye.

Will’s staring back at him from the coffee table. He’s got his arm looped around Reyna’s shoulders, a lopsided smile one his face. He looks almost the same as he had just two years ago, but there are small differences. Small but big enough to make him look so different at the same time. But Nico would recognize that seemingly random pattern of freckles almost anywhere.

“Maybe it’s just a coincidence,” Jason says, looking at the photo. “Like, maybe he and Reyna are friends.”

“This is his apartment,” Nico says. He’s sure of it now. “He lives here, and I’m taking care of his plants.” He wants to freak out, but all he can do is laugh. He marches into what he assumes is Will’s room, looking around.

“Didn’t you just yell at me for snooping?” Jason asks, looking both amused and concerned. Nico ignores him, spotting another picture on Will’s nightstand. It’s a family photo, all seven of them. Nico picks it up, examining it closely. He spots Kayla and Michael and Austin. Lee and Will always looked so similar, but now Nico can pick out startling differences.

Will’s paler, slumped, like life stomped on him. He’s not quite smiling, that smile Nico knows is fake even after all of these years. And suddenly, all of his pent-up anger at Will is gone. Like a balloon deflating. Because Theo is a liar, so it’s possible he lied about Will.

“Nico?” Jason asks, breaking Nico fro his stupor. “You should probably set that down. You look like you’re going to smash it.” Nico sets the photo down, blinking around him. There isn’t much in the room, just a made bed, twin-sized. A stuffed dog rests where the pillow should be, and Nico almost cries. Because it’s the dog that Nico gave to Will when he was sick with the flu. It’s ratty now, and it looks like it’s been sewed back together a few times, but it’s still here. Like every haunting memory of Will that floats around Nico’s mind.

“We need to leave,” Nico says.  
-  
Nico’s not sure what to do, so he just goes through the motions. He waters the plants, talks to them, plays music for them. He checks their leaves and rotates them so they don’t get too much or too little sun. He wants to ask them about Will, how he ended up in California, but he knows that he’s probably going crazy. Because plants can’t talk back.

“Nico, maybe you should talk to him?” Jason suggests. “If he was your best friend, he’d understand.” Nico flinches. He remembers saying something similar to Will so long ago. It’s been three years since he’s been any sort of friend to Will, three years since he actively wrote Will out of his life.

“I’m just going to ignore it,” Nico says. “Reyna’s our neighbor. And maybe Will’s her friend.” He tries to tell himself that Will has friends now, that he escaped the horrors of high school without a friend. But it isn’t convincing enough, and he can’t hide it from Jason who catches him looking through the few photos of he and Will that he has.

“Are you scrapbooking?” Jason asks. Nico flips him off without looking up. It’s been a week now since he’s taken care of the plants, and Reyna’s already stopped by to get the spare key. She’d smiled, giving him a thumbs up and a crisp twenty.

“Guess I’ll have to kill you another time,” she’d said. Nico wonders if she knows how much of an awful friend he is.

Nico shuffles through the photos again. There aren’t many recent ones. The most recent is from the first day of high school. They hadn’t had a chance to go to any of the dances together, even though that was one of the things Will was looking forward most to. Nico and Theo had gone to prom together. Nico’s not even sure if Will ever went, but he never saw him there.

“Maybe you should open his envelope,” Jason suggests. “They could be letters or something. More photos.” He sets a mug of coffee down on Nico’s nightstand before leaving. “I’ll be at Piper’s if you need anything. Call me. Ice cream and those pizza bagel things are in the freezer.”

Nico nods. For an hour after Jason leaves, he just sits on his bed and procrastinates. He’s just gotten back from work, so he gets up and takes a shower. He combs his hair. He pretends to figure out his schedule for the next day, even though it’s a Saturday, and he’s got nothing planned.

Then he digs the envelope out of the closet, looking at him. His coffee is gone now, and Nico makes himself some dinner. He can’t bring himself to open the envelope. And then he can’t bring himself to pull out the papers. Unfold the first one. And once he does, he feels sick, wishing he hadn’t just eaten ten of those bagel pizza things. Because they’re a collection of letters, all written to Nico from Will. About everything Will went through in high school.

‘My therapist said this would make me feel better,’ Will writes in the third letter, junior year. ‘So far it’s not working. I still hate myself. And knowing I’m writing these letters makes me hate myself more. Because you’ve always been my best friend. Even when we weren’t speaking.’

Nico wants to take a break from reading, even though he’s barely read anything, but he knows he won’t have the courage to keep reading if he stops now.

Spring, junior year: ’Mama’s pretty worried about me, about how I’ve stopped talking to everyone. Even my family on some days. It never felt like work talking to people before. Especially not with you. Even when we fought. Are we still fighting? I keep apologizing, and my therapist says I should stop. Because you haven’t answered. And some things aren’t meant to be. He meant us, I guess.’

There are so many letters, one every week it seems. Nico’s eyes start hurting from reading Will’s cramped handwriting, from reading in the dark. He has to flip on the lamp next to him, not able to pull himself from the bed. Nico’s still reading when Jason gets home. He’s gone through two tissue boxes, and Jason tries to pry the letters from his hand.

“He tried to kill himself,” Nico sobs when Jason turns on the overhead light. “I made him want to kill himself.”

Jason shakes his head. “No, Nico. It’s not all your fault.”

Nico thinks that’s the biggest lie he’s ever heard. Because he’s the one who shoved Will away, even as Will tried so hard to just talk to Nico.

“But I let it happen. I didn’t even know this was happening.” His hands shake as he rereads what Will wrote about the bullying, all of the horrible things they did to him, all of the awful things he never even knew happened. All of the things he’d turned his back on. He could have stopped all of this.

‘I guess this is goodbye,’ Will writes in the last letter. ‘I’m moving far away. Someplace where people don’t know my name. And maybe it’ll be better. Or maybe I’ll still hate myself and end up dead far away from everyone who ever cared about me. Sometimes I wonder if you still care about me. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.’

“Nico, you need to take a break from reading these,” Jason says. He tries to pry the letter out of Nico’s hands again. “They’ll still be here in the morning. Or maybe you should just stop reading them if they’re making you this upset.”

‘I hope you find happiness. I still believe it’s not with Theo, but who am I to say what’s right and wrong? I wish you the best always, Nico. You’ve always been my best friend, and maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. I don’t know when to let go. Maybe by the time you read these letters (if you ever read them), I’ll have let go. Of our friendship, of you, of life.’

Nico picks up the closest thing (a book) and throws it across the room. He knows he’s a mess right now. Who wouldn’t be? He throws more things, a pillow, the empty tissue boxes, the tissues. He hears Jason picking things up, folding the letters back up.

“He shouldn’t have sent those to you,” Jason says. Nico shrugs. In a weird way, he’s glad Will’s sent the letters, even if it is kind of sick and twisted. Maybe that means he’s sick and twisted. (Although the thought of Will being sick and twisted creates a sharp pain in his chest.) “It’s not letting go if he does this.”

Nico just shakes his head. Jason’s jamming the letters back into the envelope, ready to tear them to shreds. “No, please. I’m okay,” Nico says. He reaches out for the letters, needing them to ground him somehow, even as they tear him apart. Jason doesn’t believe him. “I mean, I’m going to be okay. Besides, you told me to read the letters.”

Jason sighs. “I didn’t know they were some kind of suicide letter.”

“But he’s not dead. He lives next door,” Nico says. He sits up. Will lives next door. He can make this right. He looks around for some paper before pulling out a stack from his printer. “Help me write an apology. Please, Jason.”

Jason looks skeptical.

“I don’t know, Nico. If he’s made his peace, I don’t think it’s right to step back into his life.” Nico wants to cry at that. Because he’s missed Will, so badly. He’s messed up so badly, and there has to be a way to fix this, right? He can’t imagine the rest of his life without Will. “I mean, he seemed like he was happy in those pictures. And that was probably after he sent those letters.”

“Do you think he knows I live here?” Nico asks. Jason shakes his head.

“I don’t think Reyna would have let you in if you had. If I were in her place, I’d never let you come near Will.” Nico wouldn’t either. But he’s not in Reyna’s place. He’s in his, and he has to make this right. “Tomorrow, Nico. You’ll be more rested in the morning, okay? Promise me.”

Nico wipes his face, nodding. It takes him a few minutes before he decides what he wants to do next. Jason watches him carefully. He goes to take another shower, feeling a little more refreshed. When he gets out, the letters and the tissues have all disappeared. Nico wants to ask where they went, but he knows Jason won’t tell him. Instead, he makes him a mug of hot tea and pops in a movie. He falls asleep on the couch, only halfway through a Harry Potter marathon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are happening now :)


	14. apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies are made.
> 
> (Will's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: anxiety/panic attacks

“Congratulations!” Reyna calls the moment Will walks through the door. He rolls his eyes. Reyna’s got a tub of ice cream waiting on the counter for him, and Will smiles. He lets out a dramatic sigh, setting his bag down on the ground. “I’m so proud of you.”

“You make it sound like I did something amazing,” Will says. He lets Reyna hug him before he goes for the ice cream scoop, making perfect scoops of ice cream.

“You did.” She smiles. “I want some, too. No skimming on the cookies.” Will laughs as he dishes out some ice cream for Reyna. “So, how was your first day?”

Will shrugs. “Pretty much the same as always. Except, it’s a lot larger than the university library. So I got lost about three times.” Reyna smiles, moving to the couch. Will joins her. With the start of summer, he’s had to find a new job. The university only hired manual labor during the summer months, and Will wasn’t about to do any remodeling.

“Well, you need to expand your reading horizons,” Reyna teases. Will huffs, glancing over at a stack of books on the coffee table. He’s gotten into a bad habit of leaving his books everywhere, so Reyna’s taken to stacking them everywhere. Even though he’s recently invested in a bookshelf to house them all.

Poppy meows, settling between the two of them. She nudges Will’s arm and then Reyna’s, seeking attention. Reyna pretends to tickle Poppy’s belly while Will scratches under her chin. She purrs, and Will thinks he’s definitely spoiled her. It’s hard to eat ice cream with only one hand, and yet, he’s doing it because of his cat.

“Any big summer plans?” Will asks. Reyna shrugs. He knows she’s moved out her of her mom’s house already, the apartment being her permanent home now. He’s decided to stay in California for the summer, too, hoping that it might help with getting internships later. That and his siblings are all over the country right now. (And going home still gives him anxiety.)

“Not anything like you,” Reyna says, laughing. Will rolls his eyes. His only plans are to work at the public library, care for his plants, and sleep in with Poppy. And whatever Reyna wants to do when she’s around. Because she also technically has a job, whether or not she’ll be around to do it. “And definitely not like your siblings.”

Will shrugs. Lee and Michael are on some grand road trip. (Will was actually invited, but he didn’t think Poppy would enjoy being subject to spending her summer in a car.) Kayla was spending the summer abroad on some kind of exchange program, and Austin was at camp. “Fresh air is key to living with a big family,” Will says.

Reyna smiles. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never lived with more than two people. Definitely a big reason I moved out of those dorms.” She pats Will’s arm. “That and you’re the best roommate I’ve ever had by far.” Will smiles. He gets up to wash out his bowl and refill Poppy’s water.

He’s glad Reyna’s in a good mood today. Lately, she’s taken to stomping around a bit and muttering to herself about the neighbors. Will’s never asked as he knew better than to try and pry something out of Reyna before she was ready to share. But he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the neighbors had done something while they were gone.

“We should go bowling or something,” Reyna says, standing up. Will blinks.

“Bowling?” he repeats. He doesn’t like bowling much, and he definitely doesn’t like the noise and the people.

“Or something.” She shrugs. “It’s summer, and we’ve barely done more than clean this place and then lounge on the couch.”

“And go to the beach,” Will adds. Reyna nods. Since that first time, it’s become a bit of a thing to go to the beach whenever they can.

“Mini golf?” Reyna asks. “I can pay.”

Will sighs, nodding. He doesn’t really feel like getting out, but he knows part of that is because he hasn’t really been out. Which he knows isn’t good. Because if he’s ever going to get better, he’s going to have to start getting more involved in society. Even if it’s just playing mini golf with Reyna.

Reyna drives, and Will fiddles with the radio station. He can’t remember the last time he’s been mini golfing, but he’s pretty sure it was with Nico. Even though Nico didn’t really like mini golf. Bianca did. He smiles a little at the thought, and Reyna glances over at him. He shakes his head, and she turns her eyes back to the road.

“I bet I can get a hole in one,” Reyna says as the stand in line for their clubs. Will chooses a yellow club and ball, rolling his eyes.

“How much?”

“One dollar,” Reyna says. “Per hole in one.”

“Deal.” He’s never mini golfed with Reyna, but he’s pretty sure she’s not that good. She’s athletic, sure, but mini golf requires patience that she doesn’t usually display when it comes to sports. (Will’s been woken up many times by her screaming at the television during games.)

The first several holes aren’t too hard, and they keep diligent score, Reyna checking over Will’s shoulder to make sure he doesn’t mark himself down or botch her score. The course is circus themed, so there are acrobats flying over their heads and tents to putt in. On one of them, he has to move the ball through a ring before he can putt for the hole.

Reyna’s started narrating the game. “And she’s lining up her shot,” she whispers. “Feet just shoulder distance apart. She checks the wind, assesses the green. She shuffles to get in the perfect position.” Will laughs, nudging Reyna’s shoulder. “Foul play!”

“Just go already.” Reyna rolls her eyes, hitting the ball. It rolls down the green, just missing the hole before coming to a stop.

“Could have been my hole in one,” she pouts.

Will grins. “Could have been. But it wasn’t.” Reyna sticks her tongue out. She narrates Will’s set-up, pretending to pout when Will makes a hole in one. “You owe me a dollar.”

“We’ll see,” she says, already moving on to the next hole. (Will just writes down par for her.) This time she does make a hole in one, by some incredulous shot. Will watches the ball ricochet off of the barriers before dropping into the hole. “Now, we’re even.”

In the end, Reyna somehow wins by one point. “Let’s get food. I’m hungry.” Will agrees. They pick up food from their favorite Chinese place, Will eating the wontons in the car as Reyna scolds him for getting crumbs in her car. They plop on the couch, Poppy on the back of the couch. Reyna slides the coffee table closer so they can prop their feet up (and put the food on it).

She flips on a movie, but Will can somehow tell that they won’t really be watching it. He’s halfway through his lo mein when she speaks.

“Do you think about Nico anymore?” she asks softly.

Will shrugs. “Yeah, sometimes.” He doesn’t look at her as she speaks, just focuses on eating one noodle at a time.

“Like just because you’re curious what he’s up to?” She pauses, and Will waits. “Would you ever want to be his friend again?” Will takes his time answering, finishing his dinner. He sets the box on the table, taking a long sip of his soda. “It’s okay if I’m intruding. You don’t have to answer,” Reyna adds.

“I guess I still consider him my friend,” Will says softly. He strokes Poppy’s head. “Even if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Sometimes I think I see him around, but I know it’s just because I want to. Maybe.” He doesn’t quite know how to explain it, why he still wants Nico in his life. Maybe because when Nico was his friend, everything seemed more bearable. Because it was.

“What would you do if he came back into your life?” Reyna asks slowly.

Will turns to look at her now, wondering where all of the questions were coming from. “I don’t know,” he answers honestly. It’s easier to sit here and pretend that he’d be able to forgive Nico to his face without actually having to look at Nico. It’s easier to pretend that he’d want to be Nico’s friend when he doesn’t have to listen to Nico apologize (if he would even apologize). It’s easier to say what he wants when it plays out as it does in his mind. But he knows life isn’t always like that.

“What would you do if your dad came back into your life?” Will asks. Reyna doesn’t talk much about her dad. And for the brave face she puts up when she does, Will can still tell it hurts her that he left.

“I’d punch him,” she says. “I’d scream and shout. Tell him to get out of my life.” She leans her head against Will’s shoulder. “But I’d also like to think that I’d hug him. Because he’s still my dad, you know? And for some crazy reason, I still love him.”

Will nods. That’s how he feels about Nico. Ever since the first day the met, to the day they first kissed (even if it didn’t mean anything to Nico), to the day Nico walked out of his life and kept shoving Will away, to now. He’s only admitted it to himself once before, but it’s hard to deny with how much Nico’s memory plagues him. Because even though Nico left him, left him alone to the tyranny of high school, he somehow still loves him.  
-  
It’s his birthday, and his family is here. In California. All of them. And Will’s crying because he never saw any of this coming. Mama’s holding him, rubbing his arms as he practically bawls like a baby. Because his family came all of the way out here to see him, to celebrate his birthday. And Reyna knew. (That smug smile on her face tells all.)

“You guys,” Will laughs. That’s all he can get out before he’s crying again, and Michael hands him another tissue. He blows his nose, laughing when a bird flies away from them. He’s so glad they all decided to come to the apartment first. Because he’s pretty sure he’s a giant mess.

“Deep breaths, Will,” Mama says. She kisses his forehead, hugging him close. He breathes in her scent, the smell of cinnamon and bread on her even after being on an airplane. He pulls back, breathing and sniffling. He has to blow his nose again. “Happy birthday, sweetie.”

Honestly, Will had kind of forgotten about his birthday. It wasn’t that birthdays weren’t big deals in his family, but he’d kind of shied away from them since Nico moved out of the picture. It just felt weird to be celebrating without Nico there to watch him blow out the candles.

“We have presents,” Kayla pipes up. “And ice cream.”

“And a present for Poppy, too,” Austin says. He rolls his eyes, like getting a present for a cat is a ridiculous idea.

“And for Reyna,” Apollo adds. He smiles, introducing himself and shaking Reyna’s hand.

“But, first, I propose we have lunch.” She smiles at Will. “We’ll let you wash up a bit.” Will laughs, nodding. There’s no way he’s going out looking like the mess he is. He disappears into the bathroom, listening to his family chatter in the living room. He can hear his dad laughing, his brothers arguing about something, Kayla asking about the road trip.

It’s overwhelming to know that they all put a pause on their summer plans to see him. That his brothers drove to California, that the rest of them called in absent wherever they were supposed to be. He knows they’d do anything for him, but them actually doing it is another thing. He’s surprised he’s even functioning right now.

Lunch is a collection of food trucks, conveniently located within several blocks of each other. Will gets tacos at one, a lemonade at another. He shares some chips with Kayla and tastes Austin’s milkshake. They get two funnel cakes to share and end up with powdered sugar all over.

“Your family is amazing,” Reyna says as they walk downtown. “A little chaotic but amazing.” She’s smiling more than she has the past week, and Will smiles back. He’s glad that she likes his family and that his family adores her. Michael comes up, looping an arm over Reyna’s shoulders.

“So, how’d you meet my little bro here? Everyone seems to know except for me.” Will rolls his eyes. He knows Michael knows. He also knows that Michael’s fishing for details.

“We had the same English class,” Reyna says, smoothly ducking out from under Michael’s arm. “And he’s just so darn good in the class. And I hate writing papers.”

Michael laughs. “Don’t I know it. I still have him proofread my stuff sometimes.”

They wander in and out of the shops for the better part of the afternoon, and Will gets a new journal. Mama gets a necklace. Kayla debates for about thirty minutes with herself whether or not she should buy a used violin. In the end, she doesn’t get it. And they all head back to the apartment for presents and ice cream.

Will helps himself to a bowl while they all set the presents out. There aren’t too many, but Will’s used to this. He knows that sometimes his siblings double up to buy gifts. He’s done it a few times, too. So he’s got four presents, and he’s surprised when Reyna produces one, too.

“What? You’re my best friend, Will,” she says when she catches his surprise. Will thinks he might cry again. He takes his time opening his presents, admiring the wrapping paper until Michael tells him to hurry up. Austin’s puts on some music, though Will has no idea when he hooked himself up to Reyna’s sound system.

“Guys,” Will says when he pulls out a photo album. He knows Mama makes one every year, but it never fails to make him cry. He flips through it, knowing he’s going to spend at least half the day tomorrow going through it. He hands it to Reyna to look at while he moves on. He gets a blanket from Lee and Michael, a playlist from Austin. Apollo gives him a book.

“Here,” Reyna says, handing him her gift. “It’s a bit last minute because you somehow never told me when your birthday was.” Will sees his family roll their eyes. “But I hope you like it.”

Will takes his time again. He’s not sure what he’s expecting, but it’s definitely not a painting. He feels tears prick his eyes as he pulls the last bit of tape off the canvas. It’s a painting of the beach at his favorite time of day. And he can tell exactly where Reyna’s thinking he’ll hang it. Because just looking at it, he knows it’ll fit perfectly right above his bed.

“This is amazing,” he breathes. He knows it’s got to be commissioned or something because it’s definitely the exact same beach as the one behind Reyna’s mom’s house.  
“My sister dabbles a bit in the arts. So I got her to paint it for you. She signed it, too.” Reyna points to the corner where there’s some artistic looking smudge that could also double as the waves.

“I love it,” Will says. He hugs everyone, laughing and crying as he goes around. He’s so happy right now that he doesn’t know what to do with all of his emotions. When he settles down, Austin sticks a candle into Will’s slightly melted ice cream.

“Happy birthday, dear Will,” everyone sings, and Will has to blow his nose again. He blows out the candles, making his wish. And, for once, he thinks, he doesn’t wish for Nico.  
-  
It’s three weeks after his birthday when Will has an anxiety attack. His family has gone their separate ways, and Reyna’s at work. Will’s just come back from work when he catches sight of someone struggling to carry a box up the stairs.

“Here,” he says softly, catching a bag that’s slipped from their grasp. In that moment, he catches sight of dark hair, olive skin. His heart race. He dashes for his door, barely noting that the stranger is heading in the same direction.

“Thanks,” comes a voice, and Will’s heart kicks up a notch. He practically falls through the door, struggling to pull off his jacket and shoes before he panics. He pulls out his phone, turning on some music to try and focus him. He’s pacing the living room, but he feels like he’ll hyperventilate if he sits down.

Then there’s a knock on the door. Will freezes, sure it’s just some random noise he’s somehow missed on his playlist. There’s another knock, and Will groans as he turns off his music. He answers the door, and he can’t breathe.

“Um.” Will can’t bring his eyes up to look at his childhood best friend as he just stands there. He can’t bring himself to do anything just stand there and try his best not to panic.

“Right, um, just a second,” Nico says. Because it’s definitely Nico. Not some cheap look-a-like. But Nico. And then Nico’s gone. Will hears a door open and shut. And then Nico’s back, holding what looks like a sunflower out to him. “I got you this. As an apology for everything I’ve ever done and said. Because I’m so sorry, Will. I really am. I just don’t know how to make it mean enough.”

Will blinks. HIs hands are definitely shaking, and he doesn’t trust himself to hold the flower. He thinks he might faint. “For everything?”

“Yeah,” Nico says softly. “Wait. Not the friendship part. But everything else. Everything that destroyed our friendship. I’m really sorry. If I could go back and do it all again, I would.”

Will takes a moment to process what’s just been said. Then he nods slowly. What would he do if Nico came back into his life? “I forgave you a long time ago,” he says. “But I can forgive you again.” He feels something brush against his leg, glad that Poppy’s here. She purrs, rubbing her head against his pants.

“Um,” Nico says. Will almost smiles. He was always the better one with words.

He blinks. “You can come in.” He notes that Nico hesitates just a bit before nodding. Somehow he’s taken the sunflower, so he sets it down by his other plants before dropping onto the couch. Poppy curls up on his lap, purring softly. Will pulls his legs up, making himself fit underneath Poppy’s weight.

“Anxiety,” Will says when he notices Nico watching. “This is Poppy.” Poppy doesn’t pay any attention to Nico, nudging Will’s hand with her cheek. Nico nods, moving around the couch to look at the plants. He’s so quiet, or maybe Will’s breathing too loud.

“I got your letters,” Nico says. “And maybe you shouldn’t have sent them, but I’m kind of glad you did. Because I didn’t know any of that stuff had happened. And maybe if I did, I could have saved you. Would have saved you. But I didn’t. And I didn’t realize how much I missed you until you were gone and Theo was gone.”

Will flinches a little at Theo’s name. “You’re the first person I’ve ever had over here,” he says after a moment. He doesn’t count his family since they came whether or not Will invited them. (Not that he minds.) “The second person I’ve talked to in weeks.” He pauses, thinking over Nico’s words. “I never sent my letters.”

Nico comes around to stand in front of him, looking awkward and guilty. “What can I do to make it better, Will? If I could go back, I would.” Will shrugs. He’s not sure if it’s just dawning on him or if it’s hearing Nico say his name for the first time in years, but he’s a mess.

He lays his head on the couch, feeling exhausted suddenly. His chest is tight, and he’s shaking so badly. “I just wish it never happened.”

With Nico’s face, every memory from high school floods his mind with startling clarity. It’s his first day of school, and Nico’s laughing as they walk into the building. There’s Will holding his breath as Nico tells him about his date with Theo. He’s watching Nico kiss Theo against the lockers, feels Peter’s lips against his, watches Nico turn his back to Will.

He feels the sob rising in his throat, even though he’s already crying so hard. He feels Poppy move, and he wonders if she’s giving up on him. And then arms around circling around him, and he flinches. But he’s too tired to pull away, too desperate for some sort of contact after so many years of nothing. Surprisingly, Nico still smells the same, and Will clings to him. Absently, he realizes that Nico’s rubbing his back like he used to every time Will broke down.

It’s all too much, and Will cries somehow harder. He thinks he’s going to make himself sick, if only he’d eaten lunch today. He starts coughing when it gets harder to breathe, and Nico starts patting his back gently, his voice low and quiet in Will’s ear. Will has no idea what he’s saying, but the familiar hum is comforting. He sags against Nico’s chest, wanting to smile when he feels Poppy wedge herself in the small space between them.

“Why don’t you shower?” Nico asks after a few moments. Will nods, making his way slowly to the bathroom. He’s so exhausted. He steps under the spray of water, wondering if Nico’s using this as a means of escape. He wonders if he’ll be greeted by an empty living room. He wonders if this is all just a bad (good?) dream.

Will pulls on a sweater and shorts, not caring how weird it might look. He feels a rush of relief at the sight of Nico trying to coax Poppy closer to him. There’s a large wet spot on Nico’s shoulder, and Will feels disappointed that he’s such a mess. He plops down on the couch, almost smiling when Poppy curls up against his stomach.

“Do you want me to leave?” Nico asks gently. Will doesn’t know what to say. He’s afraid that if Nico leaves, he’ll convince himself that it’s all a dream. Or that Nico won’t come back. That he’s scared Nico away again. He almost falls asleep before answering.

“Will you come back?” He shifts just a little so he can look at Nico. He hates himself for wanting to curl up in Nico’s arms again. Nico doesn’t answer right away, and Will curls back up around Poppy, pressing his face into her fur. He thinks maybe Nico says something after a moment, but he’s too tired to ask. Instead, he succumbs to sleep, not sure if his dreams will be any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think just a few more chapters, and it'll be complete :) (never meant for it to get this long haha but it's fun)
> 
> thanks for sticking with me this long!


	15. rekindling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Healing can be slow and awkward.
> 
> (Nico's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: just talk of anxiety and depression
> 
> short chapter, but the next one will probably be longer

August marks the next new beginning. It’s awkward and sometimes uncomfortable, but Nico wants to make it work. He goes over to Will’s apartment every now and then. They never do much. Sometimes, they don’t even talk. Will puts in a movie or they go for a walk. Sometimes they watch three movies in a row. Sometimes they end up walking five or seven miles that day, just aimlessly strolling around.

This is when Nico sees the most change in Will, on their walks. Before, Will would have waved to everyone, smiled at all of the dogs (even asked to pet them). He’d be skipping and laughing or rambling about something, trying to come up with games or something to talk about. If they passed a park, he’d want to go on the swings or race up the slides. He’d want to race Nico to the next stop sign.

Instead, he’s eerily quiet. He doesn’t make eye contact with anyone they pass. Whenever people do look their way, to smile or wave, Will seems like he’s trying to disappear. Sometimes people even seem to make a point to look away when they notice it’s Will. When they pass a young man walking his dog, Nico notices Will reaching into his pocket for a stress ball and rolling it in his palms. He hardly even talks to Nico except to say hi or ask how he’s doing (manners winning out).

Nico’s not sure what to do exactly. He’s done research, trying to figure out what’s going on with Will. He understands that it’s depression and anxiety, but he’s not sure how to help or even get through to Will. He wants to ask Will about high school, about the letters, about how he ended rooming with Reyna in California of all places. But he’s not sure how to. The first few times Nico’s come over, all Will could seem to muster was curling up on the couch while Nico sat there awkwardly.

“I want to be your friend,” Nico starts now. He’s practiced this in his head over and over even though it’s such a simple statement. They’re on the couch again, Will in a T-shirt and shorts. He honestly looks like he’s still in his pjs.

“Okay,” Will says, finally looking at him. “We’re friends now.” Nico breathes out a sigh of relief. Though the way Will said that makes Nico think that he’s always considered Nico a friend. Even when Nico was the worst friend ever.

They sit in silence for a little longer. There isn’t even a movie on. “Friends talk to each other and do stuff together,” Nico says quietly. He’s trying not to push Will too hard, but he feels like he needs to get the ball rolling. He can’t just watch movies and go on walks and consider their friendship rebuilt. But he knows it’ll take time. He also knows it probably won’t go back to where it was before, but he wants to salvage as much as he can. “Do you want to get ice cream?”

Will shakes his head. “No.” Nico droops a little. Will used to love ice cream, so much he declared he could eat it every day. He even wrote about it in his letters. “There’s some in the freezer,” he adds. Nico nods, getting up. He’s not surprised to find at least three tubs of ice cream in the freezer. He debates which one Will likes the most before scooping out the ice cream. They eat it on the couch, sitting about two feet from each other.

“What’s your favorite color?” Nico asks.

“Yellow.” Will looks at him. Nico waits patiently. Will’s never outright ignored him before, but he’s not sure if he’s going to start now. “Yours?”

Nico smiles. “Blue. Like always.” His favorite shade of blue is Will’s eyes when he’s happy. When he was dating Theo, he pretended he liked black. “Favorite food?”

Will has to think a minute. “Ice cream,” he says. He almost smiles. His lips twitch. “You?”

“Lasagne.” He lets the ice cream melt in his mouth as he thinks. “Favorite season?”

“Spring.” Nico nods.

“Mine is autumn.” He takes another bite. Poppy’s sitting between the two of them, her head on Will’s lap. He asks simple questions like that, feeling good that he’s getting some answers at least. After about an hour or so of this, Will’s voice starts getting scratchy, and Nico’s reminded again how much as changed. Will used to be able to talk for hours without a sign.

Nico smiles at Will, waves to Poppy. He excuses himself, and he notes that Will looks a bit relieved. Once back in his own apartment, he flops down on the couch. He’s exhausted. He wonders if that’s how it for Will when Nico comes over or just socializing in general. Nico didn’t talk much except around Will. And now Nico will go to parties on his own and hook up with people (used to) or ask people for directions without hesitation.

Jason’s on the couch with Piper. Nico notes how easily they sit together, watching a movie like nothing. “How’s Will?” Nico just shrugs. He misses the old Will, but he’d taken him for granted.

“Still super shy. Still hates to be touched.” Nico tries not to sound bitter. He knows it’s partially his fault that Will is this way, but it frustrates him a little. Because if this were the old Will, they’d be friends in no time.

“What kind of guy was this Theo who made everyone hate Will so much?” Piper asks. She doesn’t know very much of the story, and Nico doesn’t really feel like catching her up. Will was always the one who was more open with information. Bu now that he’s closed off, Nico feels like he needs to protect him.

“I guess it was mob mentality,” Nico says. He wishes he knew he was part of the mob when it was all happening. He knows he’s going to be making it up to Will and himself for a while. Even though Will says they’re friends. Even though Will wrote consistently through his letters that he still considered Nico a friend. Nico still doesn’t feel like a friend.

“Well, at this rate, you two will be good friends by the time you graduate.” Nico holds back a groan. He’s resorted to bringing over little gifts, even though he’s pretty sure Will couldn’t care less about them. He’s brought stickers and candy, a flower he saw lying on the sidewalk, a rock. He’s not sure what Will does with all of the stuff.

But Nico knows he’s doing something right the first time Will answers the door with a lopsided smile. Two years of trauma is a lot to forgive and work through. But they’ll get through it. Nico’s not leaving Will again.  
-  
Nico thinks Reyna is the most terrifying person he’s ever met. Most of it is because she’s highly protective over Will and will crush anyone who tries to hurt him. Or who has hurt him. Nico’s walking to lunch when he spots Reyna heading out of a building. She casually flips someone off before shoving her books into her bag.

“Nico!” she calls, and he literally freezes for a moment. “Wanna get some lunch?” It’s a question, but Nico’s pretty sure it’s a request. He nods. He follows her to the cafeteria, dragging his tray through the line. Reyna hardly glances at him as she makes herself a salad.

Nico waits for her to speak first, but she doesn’t talk to him until she’s halfway through her lunch. Then she fixes him with her sharp gaze. “How’re things between you and Will?”

Nico shrugs. “Okay, I guess.” He suspects that she already knows exactly how things are going. It’s not like she’s not there half the time Nico comes over. (He always catches her watching him out of the corner of her eyes.) “I mean, we’re working on it.”

Reyna nods. “He’s told me about you,” she starts, and Nico suddenly doesn’t feel hungry anymore. Since growing just a bit closer to Will, he’s reread the letters (cue about two more tissue boxes and a lecture from Jason). Because he doesn’t want to mess this up again. “When he talks about you, it’s like you two are still friends.”

Nico swallows his burger.

“He said he’s always considered us friends.”

Reyna gives a sharp nod. “Which is why I’m looking out for him.” She pauses. “He’s old enough to make his own decisions, but I’m not going to stand by and watch him break his heart again just because you’ve come back into his life. So you’d better not mess this up or there will definitely be repercussions.”

Nico nods. “I don’t want to mess this up either.”

Reyna’s gaze softens just a bit as she stabs a strawberry. “He’s scared, too. But he’ll come around.” She just barely smiles at him. “You’ve grown a bit on me, too, you know. You and your roommate.” Nico nods. Sometimes Will came over to his apartment if Reyna was having a study group or just needed some downtime away from everyone.

“Jason.” Reyna nods.

“But don’t you ever let him cook in my kitchen.” Nico laughs. The last time Will had come over, Reyna had been there, too. And Jason had tried to make them all hot chocolate. Half of the counters somehow ended up covered in cocoa powder, and there was a faint stench of burning milk. In the end, they’d used the hot chocolate packets.

“His girlfriend signed him up for a few basic cooking lessons,” Nico says. Reyna seems pleased to hear this. “I think she’s growing tired of him making messes, too.”

“Will and I need to go to one of those. Although, I think it’s less that we don’t know how and more so that we just don’t want to that’s stopping us.” Nico chances to roll his eyes, but Reyna doesn’t seem to notice. “The only things we seem motivated enough to make is breakfast food.”

“Cafeteria food is a pretty good motivator.”

Reyna shrugs. “Will and I eat just about anything.” Nico snorts, nodding.

“Tell me about it. I once saw Will eat a cricket. On purpose.” He shivers at the memory. They’d gone to some super fancy place where the restaurant used fried crickets as garnishes. Will had just looked at it, shrugged, and ate it. His reasoning was that it was only weird in America, other people ate crickets regularly.

“I’m not that adventurous,” Reyna says. “Mystery meat does me in.” She gestures to the lunch line, and Nico nods. He settles back into his chair, relaxing a bit. He’s starting to understand why Will chose Reyna to be his friend. (Or maybe just how it happened.)

“How did you and Will meet?” Nico asks. He’s never asked before.

“English class. That guy can write. And I hate the look of a blank page.” She shrugs, and Nico supposes that’s the end of that subject. “How’d you and Will meet?”

Nico smiles a bit at the memory. “He’s a wimp in the cold,” he says. Reyna grins. “I gave him my mittens, and things just happened.”

Reyna nods. “He has a way of growing on you,” she says. “He’s honestly the sweetest person I’ve ever met.”

Nico nods. Reyna gets up to search out some dessert, but Nico stays where he is. He isn’t quite out of the woods with Reyna yet, but he can tell that she’s not going to be glaring at him as much anymore. She comes back to their table with five cookies. She hands him one.

Nico makes a note to bake cookies the next time he comes over.  
-  
They’re three months into rebuilding their friendship when Will speaks to Nico first. Nico almost trips over himself walking in. Will’s not quite smiling, but he looks happier than he has in a while.

“Are you going home this weekend?” Will asks. Nico’s startled by the full question. No hello or how are you.

“No. Bianca’s staying with her boyfriend, and my parents are working.” It’s fall break, but there isn’t really any reason for Nico to go home. It’s just a long weekend, and he’s on the schedule to work. His life is pretty much in California at this point, and he’s okay with that.

Will nods at this before inviting Nico to sit down. There’s already a movie playing (the second Harry Potter), and Will’s got a bowl of popcorn on the table. Poppy’s curled up in her favorite spot by the window. Will gently pats the cushion beside him.

Nico sits down, jumping when Reyna bursts through the door. She hardly glances at Nico before addressing Will.

“Do you know where my phone is?” Reyna asks. “Leo swears he didn’t take it, but I can’t find it.” She mutters something under her breath that Nico’s pretty sure is in Spanish.

“Check the bathroom,” Will says, turning back to the movie. He’s in a light pink sweater, the sleeves hanging over his hands. He has to pull them back when he reaches for the popcorn so as to not get butter on them. “And then check your backpack,” he calls.

Reyna comes back into the room, phone in hand. “I’m not going to be back tonight. Mom’s throwing some annoying party that I’ve got to make an appearance at.” She scans the room, eyes landing on Nico. “You two behave. Will, I’ve got my cell if you need anything.”

“Do you know where my phone is?” Will asks. Reyna gives him a fond smile before grabbing something out of the kitchen cabinet and handing it to Will. “Thanks.” He gives Reyna a smile, and Reyna glances at Nico again. She doesn’t need to say anything; Nico gets the message.

“She’s kind of scary, I guess,” Will says once Reyna’s left. “But a good scary.” Nico just nods.

They don’t talk until the movie is over, the credits scrolling. Will hums along softly to the music, his lips shiny with butter. Nico looks away, standing up, ready to leave. He’s gotten used to not spending more than a few hours with Will before they’re both exhausted.

Will reaches out, bumping Nico’s hand. “Wait, stay?” He pauses. “For dinner, I mean. I’m hungry.” Nico nods. Will stands up, rummaging around in the kitchen. “Pasta or pancakes?”

“Pancakes,” Nico says, smiling. Will almost smiles again. He gets out a bag of chocolate chips, dumping them into the batter once it’s made. His phone buzzes when he’s hunched over the griddle, watching the pancakes cook intently.

“Can you check that?” Nico looks at Will’s phone, tapping it. There’s no lock, so he goes right to the messaging app.

“It’s Reyna. She wants to know how you’re doing.” Will shrugs.

“Say good. Tell her we’re making pancakes.” Nico types this out, frowning when he sees that Reyna and Will’s family are Will’s only contacts. If he scrolls down to the bottom, he finds his own name. In between, there are numerous unsaved numbers.

“How did you and Reyna meet?” Nico asks when they sit down. There’s a steaming pile of pancakes between them, and Will’s already got one in his mouth. He still has so many questions, but he figures this is one of the easier ones.

“We had an English class together,” Will says. “And then she had an open room. My roommate and I didn’t really get along too well, so it was either a stranger or some guy who hated me.” He shrugs again, but Nico knows that there’s a wound still healing there.

“But you seem like friends now.”Will nods. “She has a way of breaking down barriers,” he says. “And she’s studying social work, so she’s had practice in dealing with people like me.” He’s not quite looking at Nico again. “She’s the one who suggested I get a cat. Before, I was just kind of coping with plants.”

Nico eats another pancake. “I’m glad you met her.”

“I probably would have dropped out if it weren’t for her,” Will says softly. He rips up a pancake before continuing. “My social anxiety got pretty bad at the end of senior year, beginning of freshman year. That’s why my roommate hated me. Because I didn’t really hang out with people and kept panicking.” He sniffles.

This is the most honesty Nico’s heard from Will in a long time. He processes his words before he speaks. Will chugs his orange juice, burping quietly. “I want to help you, too,” Nico says. “That’s what friends are for.”

“Okay,” Will says, softly. He looks up, and Nico sees a bit of chocolate smeared on his cheek. Nico smiles. “I could use another friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost to the end - I estimate only one or two more chapters :) thanks for sticking around! (feels so weird to be at the end)


	16. falling together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy endings :)
> 
> (Will's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: depressive episode
> 
> please let me know if I need to tag anything!
> 
> I hope this doesn't feel extremely rushed, but I did make it to the end of my planning haha

It’s funny how when some things get better, other things get worse, Will thinks. Because while he and Nico are slowly rebuilding their friendship, his old fears are coming back. Like, what if he’s not good enough for Nico anymore? What if Nico suddenly gets tired of him, of just sitting around sometimes, of not going to parties anymore? What if his family doesn’t accept Nico anymore?

He still has his old nightmares. But now he’s having new ones. Ones where Nico walks away again. Where Will kisses Nico and it turns out Nico hates him. Or where Nico’s just befriending Will as a charity case. And sometimes where it’s Reyna who leaves Will in the dust.

That’s how he wakes up one Sunday morning, his head full of anxious thoughts, his guilt at being so needy weighing him down into the bed. He wants to roll over, get out of bed, see what Reyna’s fixing for breakfast. But he can’t bring himself to. Because what if she’s packed up her stuff to leave? What if she’s only made breakfast for herself?

Will tries to shoo the thoughts away, but they just keep coming until he’s crying. A sloppy mess of a human being he is, he thinks. There’s a soft knock on his door, and then the smell of garlic pretty much assaults him. He hears Reyna exhale something in quiet Spanish, and then she’s kneeling before him.

“Hey, Will,” she says softly. “One of those days?”

Will nods, squeezing his eyes shut and turning into the blankets. He’s such a mess, and she shouldn’t have to deal with him. Not when she has perfect friends like Leo and Thalia. He blinks his eyes open a little when he feels something soft touch his hand. His ratty dog with no name because he’s so lame he couldn’t even name a stuffed dog.

“Do you want to eat anything?” Will shakes his head. “Watch a movie?” Another shake. He isn’t sure what he wants. Other than for Reyna to just crawl into bed and hold him and tell him that he’s not a burden, that he isn’t less than enough.

She sits on his bed, running a soft hand through his hair. She hands him a tissue, not looking away when he blows his nose. “It’s okay, Will. You’re okay,” she whispers. He manages to scoot over a little, looking at her until she gets the message. He hates that he can’t get his voice to work properly.

Reyna lays down beside him, pulling the blanket up to his shoulders. He knows part of the foul mood is the weather. Another part is seeing how easy Jason and Nico were with each other yesterday. He’d gone over to their apartment to witness Jason cooking his first meal (hot dogs), and he watched how easily Jason and Nico teased each other. They didn’t look like they had to walk around each other’s feelings. Like if they stepped on someone’s foot, they didn’t have to coddle the other.

And Will knows he’s not like that. But he can’t help feeling like he is. He’s gotten so much better only for him to still be stuck in bed because he can’t bring himself to get out. Nico wouldn’t want a friend like this. Nico wants the old Will, the one who’s most likely gone and won’t ever return.

“Want some music?” Reyna’s voice floats softly through his thoughts. He nods. A few seconds later, he hears classical rock playing softly through the speakers in the living room. He closes his eyes, clutching his stuffed dog closer. Reyna’s body is warm against his stomach and legs, and he lets out a deep breath. He feels like he should be okay, but he isn’t.

There’s a knock on the door, and Will panics slightly. It’s most likely Nico. They always hang out on Sundays now. And before that hadn’t been an issue. Because Will hadn’t had a depressive episode this bad yet since Nico showed up.

“Do you want me to get that?” Reyna asks. She waits while Will thinks. He nods. Better to scare Nico away now before they get too deep into this. Reyna squeezes his hand before getting up. He stops himself from whining. He hears her answer the door, hears low voices talking. And then Nico’s in his doorway.

“Hi, Will,” he says softly. “May I come in?”

Will nods. He thinks he probably looks pathetic right now, all curled up like some sick child who’s scared of the dark. Nico walks in, stopping just in front of Will. “Is there anything I can do?” Nico asks. Will shrugs. The question is too vague for him right now. “Do you want me to leave?”

Will thinks about that for a moment. He shakes his head. Nico nods. He takes his time with the next question. “Do you want me here with you?” Will nods. He shifts a bit as Nico sits down on the bed. Will nudges the blankets on him, trying to send Nico a message.

“Like cuddling?” Nico asks. Will pauses before nodding. He doesn’t want to ruin their friendship so far, but he desperately needs someone to hold him. Slowly, hesitantly, Nico crawls underneath the covers. Will scoots so that he’s eye level with Nico’s neck, curling into him. Nico’s warm, and he smells like cinnamon (probably from those cookies he was baking yesterday). “Is this okay?”

Will nods. It’s more than okay. He buries his face in Nico’s chest, something he hasn’t done in years, and it almost feels like coming home. He’s crying again, and he hopes Nico’s okay with it. He feels Will’s hands rub down his back, smooth through his hair. There’s a lump by his feet that he’s sure is Poppy.

“You’re okay, Will,” Nico whispers. “I’ve got you. I’m not leaving again.” Nico’s rambling on, but Will doesn’t mind. He needs the reassurances as many times as Nico’s willing to give them. He thinks of how they finally went to a cafe the other day, all four of them, and Will ordered his own food. And now he’s moping in bed.

But Nico just holds him and keeps saying nice things. Even as Will pretty much soaks his shirt and probably smells like morning breath. Occasionally, there will be a question, but the answer is mostly no. He doesn’t want to eat. He doesn’t want Nico to leave. He doesn’t want Reyna right now.

He wishes Nico would kiss him. But, of course, Nico doesn’t ask that question. So Will takes every small and gentle touch he can get, Nico’s lips whispering reassurances so close to his ear. He can hear Nico’s heart beating, now relaxed as they’ve probably been laying here for hours. He hears Nico’s stomach grumble. He’s not hungry, but Nico probably is. Is it selfish to want to hold Nico longer?

Will leans away, and Nico seems confused. “Do you want to take a shower?” Will sniffles. He’s not sure he wants to, but he can’t help but feel selfish for monopolizing Nico’s time like this. He’s so greedy and needy, and Nico’s hungry. And he didn’t come over to hold and reassure Will.

“Stay?” Will manages. Because he needs to know if Nico’s going to ditch him after this.

“If you want, I will,” Nico says. “I told you, Will, I’m not leaving you.” He pauses. “But if you need to be alone right now, I respect that.”

Will shakes his head, and Nico smiles at him. “I’m right here, Will.” He leans forward, and Will thinks Nico’s going to kiss him. Instead, he just brushes the hair out of Will’s face, smiling still. “If you want to take a shower, I’ll be right here.”

Nico helps Will out of bed, keeping the room from spinning for sitting so long. Will ends up taking a bath. His legs feel weak, and the last thing he wants to do is pass out naked. He knows he should probably be taking a shower (he read somewhere that they were better for him), but he can’t quite bring himself to do it right now. So he takes a bath until his fingers get all pruny, and he wants to cry again.

He sort of dries himself off, even though he just really sat in warm water for about thirty minutes instead of shampooing or anything. He stumbles into the living room and almost face-plants into the couch. Reyna’s sitting there, and Will curls up against her side. He steals a piece of popcorn, trying to assuage his grumbling stomach. It’s a little annoying that he’s hungry even though he doesn’t feel like eating.

He’s drawn away from the television by a soft noise. He doesn’t turn to see what it is. Nico sits down by his feet, pulling a blanket over him. Poppy’s curled up against his stomach now. Will thinks he dozes off somewhere in there. When he wakes up, it’s darker. He almost panics, thinking he’s back in that dark closet again. He hears muffled voices around him.

“You’re okay, Will,” comes Reyna’s voice. She flips on a lamp, and Will blinks. Will wants to know if Nico’s still here, but he can’t bring himself to ask. So he just curls up more, breathing in whatever Reyna smells like (he has yet to identify the blend of spices). He almost jumps when he feels something shift near his feet.

Reyna must have been talking to Nico while he was asleep. Someone’s stroking his back, and his toes are cold. He sighs and closes his eyes again. He feels so tired even though he just woke up. It’s probably his lack of food intake today, but he doesn’t want to eat still.

“Can you drink some water for me, Will?” Reyna asks gently. She helps Will sit up a little, guiding a straw into his mouth. He takes a few sits before sagging against her. Staying awake is taking too much energy today. He slowly turns to look at Nico.

“Hi,” Nico says. He gives Will a smile, reaching out to hold his hand. Will lets him. Nico squeezes it slightly. Will wants to squeeze back. He wants to apologize for being such a downer today, for always being a bit of a downer. No one wants to be friends with a loser like him, someone who’s always going to need attention like he does, someone you can’t just simply be friends with.

There’s a movie on, but Will’s more interested in the soundtrack. He sniffles. He supposes it’s an improvement that he doesn’t want his life to end, that he just wishes he weren’t so much a burden. Nico and Reyna are talking again, and Will tries to catch snatches of the conversation. But mostly he just wants to listen to them talk.

“We’re here, Will,” the voices say, even if not through those words. “We won’t leave you. Friends stick together no matter what.”

Because, maybe, even though Will’s not having a good day now, his friends will stick around for the good ones. So maybe it’s just enough to want the good days, suffer through the bad ones. His friends will be there, Will thinks. He reaches out to stroke Poppy’s head, and she purrs. He remembers the last time he felt like this. Things got better, right? He thinks so.

Reyna’s startling laugh rings out in the quiet night, and Will almost smiles.  
-  
Both of them are going home, so it only makes sense that they go together. They get tickets for the same flight, and Nico has to drag Will through the airport. He can feel that sense of dread sinking into him at the thought of heading home. On the plane, they play cards until Will must have fallen asleep because he wakes up with his head on Nico’s shoulder.

Will’s family is surprisingly receptive to Nico’s reappearance in Will’s life. They’ve invited him over for the day after Thanksgiving. Will can tell that Nico’s nervous about walking into the house, and Will is, too. He’s talked about Nico’s presence in his life with his parents, but they were understandingly wary of what this might bring.

Will answers the door, smiling. He’s in his favorite blue sweater with cats printed across it, a gift from his mom. He grabs Nico’s hand, trying to move too fast to be nervous. “It’s chaos,” he says. He tugs Nico inside to a silly string fight. He’s not exactly sure how it started, but he’s betting it was Michael’s idea.

He takes in Nico’s wide eyes, tossing him a can. And then he’s ducking behind one of his brothers as Kayla squirts purple string at him. Eventually, they all crash in a heap in the living room, silly string stuck in their hair and on their clothes. Will pulls his sweater back on, glad that it’s somehow survived the silly string war.

“Is that Nico?” Austin asks, groaning from where Kayla tackled him.

“Um, hi,” Nico says. He waves to everyone.

“Dude, I haven’t seen you in forever. Is that a mustache?”

Nico covers his face, groaning. “No. I just forgot to shave this morning.” This earns a laugh, and Will can feel the tension lessening. His siblings somehow get into an argument about who won the silly string fight and who was it that put the green string in Kayla’s hair. Will drags Nico into the kitchen for some quiet.

“Cookie?” Will asks. Nico nods. Will remembers him loving Mama’s cookies.

“Where are your parents?” Nico asks. He’s glancing around like he expects them to appear out of nowhere.

“They went to the creek,” Will says. Sometimes his parents needed some space or else they’d probably go crazy. Will definitely understands. He peels some silly string from the counter and leans against it. They eat cookies in silence until Will’s dad makes an entrance by somehow stubbing his toe on the sliding door and falling into the house.

“Nico!” he shouts, and then he’s shaking Nico’s hand. “Be good to my boy,” he says. “Or else you’ll be swimming with the fishes.”

“Lester, give the boy some space.” Mama smiles at Nico, giving him a hug. “It’s nice to see you again. Despite what you may think, we’ve missed you.”

“Nice to see you, too, Mrs. Solace.”

Mama smiles. “It’s still Naomi, sweetie.” Will beams, moving to hug his mom. He can finally feel the knots in his stomach give. “And I hope you boys haven’t been eating all of my cookies.”

“No, Mama. Just the chocolate chip ones.” Mama swats lightly at him, laughing.

“I guess it is lunchtime.” She starts getting out the leftovers, and suddenly, Will’s siblings are back. Elbows are bumping hips, and arms are in faces. And it all feels familiar, especially with Nico here now. Will makes himself a turkey sandwich, carrying it to the living room.

Dad’s got Charlie Brown turned on, and everyone gathers around the television. He rolls his eyes as his siblings start arguing over the historical accuracy of the movie, though neither of them are history majors or really have an interest in the subject.

“I just want some justice for the Native Americans,” Lee says when Will points this out. “It’s not exactly fair what we did. And it’s not like Charlie Brown’s tale is all that true.”

“Well, that’s America for you,” Kayla grumbles. “I mean, Thanksgiving is just a meal for us all to gorge ourselves. But it’s not like some of us don’t do that every day.” This last part is directed at Austin.

He shrugs. “Can’t help if I’m always hungry.” Kayla sticks her tongue out at him.

“Can we all just watch the movie?” Dad asks. This earns a series of no’s, and Will smiles. Nico’s pressed carefully into his side, not too close, not too far apart. This is the new distance, the distance that keeps Will from thinking about Nico’s lips, his hands, how he’d feel cuddled up next to him (when he wasn’t in a depressive episode). He’s not even sure if Nico thinks about him that way.

Will knows he should have seen something coming when Michael just gets up and walks out of the room. An innocent part of his brain tells him that he’s just using the bathroom or getting more food. The other part of him says that Michael’s up to no good. Which proves true when Lee suddenly whips around, a death glare on his face.

“Who just sprayed me with water?” Will looks back to find Michael holding a water gun. “Oh, you’re going to pay for that!” Lee shouts. He jumps up faster than Will’s seen in a while, practically vaulting over the couch. Kayla groans, but she gets hit, too. And then she’s in. It’s a mad scramble for the water guns (which have been hidden for this exact reason), and Will’s just trying not to get involved.

Mama shoves them all outside, scolding them for being inside. “Sometimes I just don’t understand you kids.”

Will nods. “It’s way too cold to be shooting each other with water.” He and Nico head to his bedroom, locking the door more for safety than for privacy. They watch the fight from the window. It seems like Kayla’s got the upper hand, hiding behind a sled for a shield. Though Lee’s scaling a tree, and Michael’s found the water balloons. One hits Will’s window, and they both jump.

Will startles, falling back onto Nico, their legs slightly tangled together from the awkward angle. Will’s caught himself on Nico’s chest, his palms pressing against Nico’s shirt. Will can feel Nico’s heart beating. He’s sure his is beating just as fast. Because he’s thought about this moment ever since he kissed Nico that first time. He’s thought about them doing it for real, not just to see if Nico liked guys. But because Nico liked Will.

Nico lets out a slow breath, and Will feels like he should have moved off of Nico a few seconds ago. “Can I kiss you?” He asks so softly that Will almost thinks it’s a dream. But then Nico looks right into his eyes. Will nods slowly, hoping that he didn’t mishear. He can feel his breath hitching when Nico leans up to press their lips together. He tangles his fingers in Will’s hair in a way that tells Will he knows what he’s doing. His other hand spreads down Will’s back.

Will pushes away the thought of other lips touching Nico’s.

“Is this real?” Will asks. He feels a little stupid for asking, but he needs to know. He can feel his lips, a little swollen, a little tingly. “Nico,” he breathes.

Nico smiles at him like a day hasn’t gone by since they became friends. He traces Will’s cheekbones, and Will thinks his arms are going to give out. “It’s real, Will.” He pauses, reaching up to press a small kiss to the corner of Will’s mouth. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

It’s something Will never thought he was going to hear from Nico (and then from anyone). But here he is, hearing those words. He moves to hug Nico, forgetting that he’s literally supporting his own weight. Elbows and ribs crash into each other, and Will hears them both make soft ‘oof’ noises. Nico’s laughing, and Will’s pretty sure he’s crying. Nico kisses away Will’s tears, and it feels like a dream.

Nico pulls back after a bit, rolling them over so he can properly pull Will into his chest. “I’m here, sunshine,” he whispers, the old childhood nickname blanketing over Will. “I’m so sorry I ever let go.”

All Will can do is hiccup, mouthing at Nico’s neck in an attempt to kiss him. “I feel like I’m dreaming,” he whispers back.

“Me, too.”

It’s later that they pull themselves together a bit, when the shrieking and screaming from outside has died down, to talk. They sit on Will’s bed, a blush high on both of their cheeks. Nico’s tracing patterns into Will’s palm.

“This won’t fix everything,” Will says. “I’ll still hate myself sometimes. And cry a lot. And be needy.” He feels a little guilty that he’s saddling Nico with his problems. Nico deserves so much more than Will could give him, right? “And sometimes I won’t want to talk. Or even be with you.”

Nico gently quiets him as he continues rambling, leaning against his shoulder. He’s thought about this a lot. “I know,” Nico says. “That’s what friends are for. To be there for you through all of that. Even if we’re not physically together, in the same room. I’m not leaving you again, Will. I promise.” He tilts Will’s chin, lifting his head, so that Will’s looking right at him.

“But I may not be a good boyfriend,” Will says. He wants to work out so badly, even if he doesn’t sound like he does.

“And I haven’t been the best friend. But we’ll get there. Together, right? Taking things slow.”

Will nods slowly. “So, what do boyfriends do?”

At this, Nico grins. He leans forward, kissing Will’s lips softly. “They do that. On top of all of their best friend duties.” He pauses. “I’m not expecting you to be perfect, Will. I’m just asking that we do this together.”

“Do what?” Will asks.

“Life. Whatever comes.”

Will nods. He leans back against his pillow, smiling when Nico lays down beside him. He can hear the voices of his family, the soft murmur of the television. If he closes his eyes, it’s almost like they’re back in middle school, having sleepovers. But Will’s okay with it not being middle school anymore. Because right now is starting to feel just as nice.  
-  
Will’s not surprised to see that Reyna’s back on the offensive after he announces that he and Nico are technically dating. But he is surprised by her early Christmas present of a date.

“For real?” Will asks when he sees the paper. “Like, you planned this?”Reyna rolls her eyes. “He’s growing on me,” she says. “But one wrong move, and he’ll never see you again.” Will just shrugs. He trusts Nico, probably more than he should. “But, yeah, I thought it’d be nice. Originally, it was going to be the two of us. But I think that you should take Nico instead.”

Will blinks at her. “Really?”

Reyna sighs. “Yes, Will. You two haven’t really gone on a date, right? This could be perfect. There are only six in the entire class plus the teacher. And it’s not really a class. More like a workshop. So you two can be all cute and cuddly somewhere besides this apartment building.”

Will laughs. However much Reyna groans about Nico and Will being too cute all over the place, there really isn’t that much difference from them being friends to them dating. Will’s still nervous about PDA, and Nico respects that, so there isn’t usually any kissing when others are in the room. And they’re going slow. So it’s only a few kisses at a time, handholding, and sometimes cuddling.

“It starts in two hours,” Reyna says. Will blinks before the words sink in. He rushes across the hall, barging in on a conversation about Jason’s white elephant idea.

“Tell Nico it’d be an amazing idea to have ceramic elephants at a white elephant party,” Jason says.

Will just raises his eyebrows. “Um, actually, Nico and I are going on a date,” he blurts out. He watches Nico’s eyes widen before he breaks into a smile.

The drive there isn’t too long, and Nico reads aloud from the brochure on the way there. “So we each get a Christmas tree? That’s probably as good as Jason doesn’t seem like the trustiest guy to get us a tree this year.” Will laughs at that. He’s heard some of Jason’s ideas for the Christmas party he’s planning. He and Nico have had to veto quite a few ideas. (Jason called them party poopers.)

“It’s a mini-Christmas tree,” Nico says as they pull into the parking lot. “Like, nice-looking Charlie Brown Christmas trees.”

They sign in and then spend about twenty minutes picking out the perfect tree. Luckily, someone chops it down for them, so they don’t have to do it themselves. They can even prune their tree a bit and coat it in some kind of tree protectant before they begin. Then they dive into the decorations.

Will tediously strings popcorn together before looping it around the tree like tinsel. Nico’s going a more modern route, covering the thing in ornaments. “Is there a tree under there?” Will jokes. Nico rolls his eyes. Will pauses to watch some of the other people decorating their trees. There’s a girl who is spray painting hers. Another person is trimming theirs to look like a star in the middle (or, at least, that’s what Will thinks it’s supposed to be). Someone else is just eating all of the popcorn.

“Yours looks like a disco ball,” Will says. Nico’s added some tinsel. “Or an alien.”

“Never said I was good at this,” Nico says. “You know my mom and sister pretty much hog decorating the trees.”

“And I can see why,” Will says, laughing. The tree doesn’t look awful, but it does look a bit droopy.” He removes a few of the ornaments so the branches aren’t so weighed down. “There. Now it looks perfect.”

Nico snaps a picture of the tree, sending it to Jason. Will sends his tree to Reyna. On the way back, they stop for some hot chocolate at a cafe. They also try to split a muffin, but they end up having to get another one. Then they head back to show off their trees in person.

“Lovely,” Reyna says. “It’s the perfect height for Poppy to play with.” Will just shrugs. He places Poppy’s bed by the tree, turning on the little lights. After a moment or two, Poppy bats at an ornament before curling up in her bed.

“I think she likes it,” Will says. He takes a picture of his cat, sending it in the family group chat. He gets replies almost immediately. Kayla sends back a picture of a cat bed now placed underneath the family Christmas tree. Will sends a thumbs up.

“When are you going back home?” Reyna asks.

“The 20th,” Will says. “Two days after the party.”

Reyna nods. “Speaking of which. We got our invitations today.” Will smiles when he sees the handwritten invitations to Jason’s Christmas party. He’s even drawn in a little snowman at the bottom. “I have no idea what to bring for the white elephant.”

“I know what I’m bringing,” Will says. 

“Well, could you help me?” Reyna asks. “I picked up some ice cream today. Even though it’s winter.” Will shrugs. It’s winter in California. That’s nothing compared to winter at home.

“Maybe. But I need your help picking out a sweater.”

Reyna smiles. “Deal.”  
-  
The party begins with Nico and Will in the kitchen. Somehow, they’d run out of cookies before the party (read: someone ate all of them), and now they had to make more. At this point, Will’s ready to volunteer to run out to the store and just buy cookies. Nico’s just whipped up their fourth batch, and Will’s apron is covered in flour. He’s pretty sure he’s got some in his hair, too.

“You smell like cinnamon,” Nico says, and Will blushes. He reaches up to kiss Will’s lips as Jason walks into the kitchen.

“Okay, everyone should be here in fifteen minutes. So no PDA,” he calls. He’s wearing a Santa hat and an ugly Christmas sweater that Nico swears was on the clearance rack. Will’s the kind of guy who thinks that ugly Christmas sweaters are kind of cute, though. But maybe not Jason’s. His own is adorable.

Poinsettias are on the table, and Nico’s mini-tree has been redecorated. A few presents are underneath its tiny branches. Poppy is curled up in Nico’s bed, avoiding the holiday festivities. Will tries not to think about how this will be the most people he’s hung out with in a long time (excluding his family). He doesn’t think he’ll have an anxiety attack because they’re all friends, but sometimes even socializing with friends got too much.

Reyna is the first to arrive. Will’s a bit disappointed that she’s not wearing a sweater, but she makes up for it by wearing a pair of reindeer antlers. She winks at him before trying to steal a cookie or two from the cooling rack. Will swats at her before grabbing a cookie himself.

“My cookies,” he says. “I helped bake them.”“We both know I can eat more cookies,” Reyna says. Will feels his face heat up a bit at this comment. For some reason, he and Reyna occasionally have mini-competitions with victories that go down in the history books. Their last competition was to see who could eat the most of the cookies Will’s mom had sent. Reyna had won by three. (Somehow, neither of them got sick.)

“There will be no food contests tonight,” Jason calls. “I don’t deal with vomit too well.” Reyna rolls her eyes, grabbing a cookie before opening the fridge. Will’s noted how familiar Reyna’s getting in Jason and Nico’s apartment. Over the last month or so, she’s made herself quite at home.

Piper arrives next with Percy and Annabeth. Will’s heartbeat quickens a bit to see the latter arriving. He doesn’t really know Percy and Annabeth too well. He feels Nico squeeze his hand, guiding him to the couch. Reyna sits next to Will, and he relaxes a bit. There are only seven people in the room, but it feels full.

“I’ll go first,” Piper says, eyeing the presents. She reaches for a nicely wrapped box. Pulling it open, she discovers a plethora of blue candies. “I’m guessing this was Percy’s idea,” she says. Will has no idea what that means, but he goes with it.

“Really, Percy? I told you no blue food,” Annabeth says. Percy just shrugs. “What happened to the ornament you were going to bring?”

“Gave it to Mom,” he says. Annabeth sighs. “Besides, everyone loves blue food.”

No one argues with him as he chooses the next gift. Percy gets a snow globe of New York City. Annabeth goes next, eyeing the gifs already chosen. She unwraps her gift, finding a simple mug with a cartoon cat on it. Will watches her face carefully to see if she likes it. Nico goes next, stealing the cat mug from Annabeth. Annabeth goes again, this time getting a smiley face pillow. Then it’s Will’s turn. He steals the cat mug from Nico.

“Hey,” Nico whines.

Will smiles, kissing Nico’s cheek. “Sorry, sweetheart,” he whispers. Nico feels himself blush, both from the endearment and the kiss. Will’s not sure where the pet name came from. Nico picks up the second to last gift, a leather journal.

“Guess I’ll go last,” Jason says. “Wonder what this could be.” He opens the last present to find an empty scrapbook. “I feel like Nico should have gotten this,” he says.

“I don’t scrapbook, Grace,” Nico says. He turns to Will as everyone’s looking at their gifts. “Which of these items was yours?”

Will blushes a bit, holding the mug close to him. “Guess,” he says. His breath is sweet from the five cookies he’d eaten earlier. Nico glances around at all of the gifts.

“You brought that mug, didn’t you?” He laughs, rolling his eyes. “I got the snow globe.” Will smiles, pecking Nico’s cheek again.

Piper cleans up the wrapping paper, and Annabeth puts in a movie. Reyna gets more cookies, bringing back the entire plate. Will’s thought about giving Nico his real Christmas present during the party, but he’s decided he’ll wait until they’re both back home with some privacy. He’s been anxious about it for weeks, but he’s sure Nico will like it.“If you’re thinking about that movie list, it’s okay if you fall asleep,” Nico whispers. Will nods. Apparently, both Jason and Annabeth took their Christmas movies seriously, so there was a list that was to be followed to make sure nothing was missed.

Will yawns, setting his head on Nico’s shoulder. Underneath the blanket, he finds Nico’s hand, squeezing. No one else can see them, but Nico knows it’s there. And that’s all Will cares about.

It’s halfway through Frosty when Will hears Reyna quietly over the movie. She must think he’s asleep. (He’s almost there.) “I’m glad you apologized,” she says. “I’ve never seen him so happy.”

“Thanks for giving me a second chance,” Nico whispers back. “I don’t think I’ve been happier, either.” Will feels his face flush a little at this. It’s nice to know that he’s just as special to Nico as Nico is to him. Maybe he would have found happiness without Nico. But he’s glad that he’s found it with Nico.

And to think. Five years ago, he thought everything fell apart. But maybe things were just falling into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end
> 
> (please let me know what you all think!)


	17. epilogue: mittens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people were asking about Will's gift to Nico, so I wrote this one-shot :)

Nico’s not sure where they’re headed, but Will’s driving. And he won’t tell Nico where they’re going. It doesn’t help that Nico’s blindfolded, and he’s under strict directions not to even try peeking. He’s starting to think that Will’s just driving them around in circles to confused him when he feels the car stop, the engine cut off. He tries to remove the blindfold (an honest to goodness sleeping mask), but Will shoves his hand away.

“No peeking, Nico,” he says. Nico just huffs.

He was told that he’d have to wait for his Christmas present. So now it’s the day after Christmas, and Nico’s freezing as he sits on what he think is concrete. He wishes he’d known they were doing something outside. He might have brought gloves and a scarf.

“When can I look?” Nico asks. He’s growing impatient now, but he can tell that Will’s secretly delighted in this. “I’m getting cold,” he adds. He knows Will hates the cold, so he isn’t sure why he’s subjecting Nico to this. He bets Will’s dressed in at least six layers right now. And he’s only got on about two.

“Do you want my mittens?” Will asks. His voice is a little funny now, not giddy with the promise of a surprise. There’s an expectant pause like Nico’s supposed to say something. He frowns, though Will can’t quite see it. 

“Won’t you be cold then?” Nico asks slowly. He’s not about to deal with a whiny Will just because he’d taken Will’s mittens. But then the blindfold is removed from his face, and he’s faced with Will standing before him, holding out a wrapped present. “What’s this?”

“Open it, silly,” Will says. He looks nervous, so Nico just opens the package instead of drawing things out. At first, he doesn’t quite understand. Because cat gloves aren’t really his thing. They’re more of Will’s thing. But then he gets it. He knows why he’s sitting on cold concrete because this is their old elementary school. And Will’s handing him gloves.

He pulls the gloves on, taking Will’s hands in his (even though Will already has gloves on). “Your hands are cold,” Nico says, smiling. He feels shy all of a sudden, like this is a lot to take in. Because it is. Will’s just brought him back to that first day they met, the day they became friends.

“Are we friends now?” Nico asks.

Will grins. “Yeah,” he says.

“Best friends,” Nico adds. He leans in to kiss Will’s mouth, both of their lips chapped with the cold.

“And boyfriends,” Nico pulls back laughing as he pulls Will in for a hug.

“How are you so perfect, sunshine?” Nico asks. He feels like he’s about to cry, the tears just barely being held back. Because Will’s always been so thoughtful, so caring, and patient. While Nico just kind of barreled through life.

Will doesn’t answer him, just brings Nico in for a soft kiss. “What I am is freezing, Nico. Like I hope you liked your gift, but can we please go someplace that has heat?”

Nico laughs again, grabbing Will’s hand, and dashing to the car. It’s a little hard to drink hot chocolate from a mug wearing gloves, but he manages it. “I love my gift,” Nico says as they sit on the couch, and Will beams. Poppy is curled up around Will’s shoulders, and Bianca’s rattling on about something or other to their parents.

But Will’s hands are in his, and he’s never letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is officially the last chapter :)

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated :)


End file.
